Lethal Pact
by SparkleInTheSun
Summary: Chad Dylan Cooper loves Sonny Munroe more than he thought possible, but will he be able to save her? Can anyone save Tawni before it's too late? What will their friends do when they realize that the girls helped each other to become sick? Anorexia/Bulimia
1. Prologue

**~ Prologue ~**

"**Saying Goodbye" **

"I am sorry for your loss." The doctor put his hand on the woman's shoulder and she started to shake her head,

"How could this have happened?" She muttered,

"It appears your daughter went into Cardiac Arrest." The doctor looked at the two parents in front of him.

"Did your daughter have an Eating Disorder?"

"What! No! I would have noticed something like that." The woman started to cry and her husband wrapped his arms around her. He shook his head,

"She was a beautiful and healthy girl. She was a healthy weight, she didn't show any signs..." He trailed off and looked down, a small tear falling down his pale face.

"I am so sorry to tell you this but it does appear that your daughter suffered from Bulimia."

"How do we know?"

"We are going to check the electrolytes to see if there is any imbalance."

"What happens if there is?"

"Then we will know exactly how your Daughter died." The doctor looked at them both,

"They are very secretive, you weren't to know." He tried to smile at them, and patted the man on the back as he passed them,

"As soon as we know more we will tell you." The man started to cry as he held his wife in his arms, she cried with him.

"How could we let her down?" She whispered to him, he shook his head,

"I had no idea what she was doing, we've never had secrets before."

"I can't believe something like this could happen." He hugged his wife as tight as he could, just to let her know they were going to be alright. Then he looked outside the double doors to all his daughter's friends, they were waiting for news.

"Come on, we have to tell them." He nodded towards them and she nodded,

"Do you think it has anything to do with her?" She nodded at a particularly close friend of their Daughter's.

"I hope not." He muttered,

"It doesn't seem right that both of them would have an eating disorder at the same time. One of them must have helped the other." She looked up at him,

"I don't know what I would do if she was responsible for my beautiful baby's death."

"Me neither. But they may not have known about each other."

"Maybe." She held her husbands hand as they walked through the doors, trying to hold back their tears as they told them the bad news. She watched as her daughter's best friend collapsed, crying into her boyfriend's arms.

"I should have told them " She whispered to him but he just shook his head,

"She didn't want you to, there was nothing you could have done." He kissed the top of her head and then looked up at their friends, he shook his head,

"I am really sorry for your loss." The parents smiled at him through their tears and then looked at the tiny girl crying in his arms.

"Did you all know?"

"Yes, we were going to tell you but she wouldn't let us. She promised us she would stop, we didn't know what to do". A dark haired girl stepped forward and went up to her best friends parents and hugged them,

"If I could turn back time, I would have told you. I really wish I hadn't believed her."

"It's not your fault. What we really want to know is if you made her like this..?" She looked at the tiny girl who was still crying, she seemed to know the question was aimed at her as she looked up at them and shook her head,

"What do you mean?" She sniffed, her boyfriend standing up and walking over to them,

"If you are implying that she caused your daughter's Eating Disorder then I would take it back if I was you."

"Just leave it." One of the other boys went up behind him and shook his head,

"We have to know." Her husband spoke up this time,

"We have a right to know." This only angered the boy as he stepped forward and then shook his head, pointing towards his girlfriend.

"She didn't do anything, it was the other way around. The constant looks at her food, the comments about her weight and then telling her all about how she 'got rid' of her own food. Your daughter was to blame for her Eating Disorder, but we didn't blame her because she was ill! She was our friend as well, we knew she couldn't help it, we knew she needed to tell someone about it and she chose my girlfriend, our best friend. She may not have forced her to be like this but she sure as hell didn't help. So don't go around pointing the finger at her, take a look at your own daughter first." He took a deep breathe and looked at them, they stared back surprised and shook their heads,

"She wouldn't do that."

"Oh and she would?" He pointed back to the the brown haired girl who was now standing up and leaning on a dark coloured boy,

"They were best friends, they both knew about each other and this helped them along. It didn't help them but it didn't make anything different. They would have done it on their own anyway." He said and then he looked down at the floor,

"I am so sorry. I didn't mean to place the blame on anyone." The older woman shook her head and then let go of her husbands hand, moving towards the girl, she smiled at her and then pulled her into a tight embrace,

"It will be okay, she loved you so much. You need to carry on with recovery." She whispered to her and the girl nodded, tears falling from her large, brown eyes,

"Thank you."

**A/N: I bet it's obvious who it is ;) Tell me what you think in a review! The next chapter will be like before all of this happened :) Just let me know if it's worth carrying on, please! **


	2. Chapter One

**Disclaimer: See last chapter**

**~ Chapter One ~ **

"**Mirror, mirror on the wall." **

"Mum, do you think I have gained weight?" Tawni looked at the mirror in front of her as her mother walked into her bedroom and laughed at her daughter,

"Oh Tawni, everyone gains a little weight sometimes."

"So you think I am fat?" Tawni stared at her and pulled her top down,

"No, I did not say that, you have gained a few pounds. Just a little more exercise and it will all drop off." Tawni nodded at her, smiling a little,

"I should start going for runs again." She grinned as her mum nodded in agreement,

"Good idea, I may even join you sometimes." Her mother smiled as Tawni laughed,

"Sure mum." She closed the bedroom door as Tawni looked back into the mirror, and sighed, her mother didn't understand, she never would. Tawni just wanted to be thin, but she just kept getting fatter. After two whole months of dieting she had only lost eight pounds, and all because she couldn't even go one day with no food. She would get to the evening and she would eat enough food to last anyone else a whole week. Of course, she would always get rid of it afterwards. She would never be able to leave all of that stuff inside of her, she may not be able to go without food for a day but she wasn't that disgusting.

Sighing, she dropped to the floor quickly and lay there for a minute before doing her usual three hundred sit ups and then a hundred push ups. She was determined to lose a stone before their very own prom – which Sonny and herself had begged Marshall for. She thought about it, it wouldn't be fair if she didn't lose it before then. She had bought this beautiful dress that she could almost squeeze into, and she wanted it to be loose on the night, she wanted people to look at her and take photographs, saying 'Oh my God Tawni has lost so much weight. Doesn't she look amazing?' She was going to do it as well, she had little over a month to lose it all and she was going to make sure that she didn't binge that night, she was going to control herself, she had to lose weight.

"Tawni! Sonny and Chad are here!" Tawni sighed as she heard her mum shout up the stairs, she groaned – she loved the fact that Sonny and Chad had finally admitted their feelings for each other, but she hated the fact that it meant every moment she spent with Sonny also meant time to spend with Chad Dylan Cooper.

"Tell them to come up!" She shouted back, and then lay back down on her bed, she didn't feel like going out with them tonight, she wanted to stay in with Sonny and moan about everything that was wrong in her life right then,

"Hello blondie." Chad winked as he walked in and sat on her bed next to her, Tawni rolled her eyes and glared at him, Sonny wasn't too far behind him, smiling at Tawni as she walked in and sitting down on a chair in the corner of the room, picking up a magazine that was on top of her dressing table.

"What are you two doing here?" Tawni looked at Sonny, doing her best to ignore the actor who was so full of himself sitting next to her,

"Studying! Remember?" Chad rolled his eyes and looked around the bright pink room, wrinkling his nose in disgust, as he tutted loudly. Tawni sighed, getting up to get her books, she hated to study, but it distracted her from weight and food, so she had taken it up a lot lately.

"You're joking? We are actually going to study?" Sonny looked at Tawni and put down the magazine,

"I thought you were joking about when you both mentioned that. I think we should go to the movies or something..." Sonny grinned widely at Tawni, who just shook her head, trying to suppress a laugh – Sonny would do anything or say anything just to avoid studying.

"We have exams coming up soon Sonny, we have to start studying soon or none of us will pass and all of us will be out of rehearsal and into school." Sonny sighed, picking up the magazine again,

"Fine. Stupid exams, just ruin everyone's fun." Tawni laughed at her, and then looked at Chad who was grinning at his girlfriend, she wondered if he was a bad influence on Sonny or if Sonny just couldn't be bothered.

"So where to start..." Chad muttered, catching his reflection in the mirror as he turned to face Tawni, he played with his hair and grinned at himself before Tawni pushed him roughly,

"We will start with Shakespeare." Tawni looked up as she heard a massive groan coming from the other side of the room, obviously from Sonny, Tawni just shook her head at the girl as Chad laughed loudly.

"What are you groaning about? You got a B on the essay." Sonny shrugged,

"Zora helped me."

"And now we are going to help you, so come on."

"Hang on, I am looking at this." She nodded towards the magazine she held in her hands,

"Don't worry about the damn magazine, we are looking at this now." Chad pointed towards the books he held in his hands, glaring at Sonny. She just shook her head,

"I am reading!" Tawni rolled her eyes,

"It's just a load of crap, I mean none of us are in it." Tawni laughed, flicking her hair back, trying to sound as casual as possible, she worshipped magazines, she looked for tips and new exercises and she admired the beautiful, thin celebrities that she shared her world with. She wouldn't admit it though, insisting that she only bought those things to check if she was in it. Tawni loved the way there was so many thin people in one magazine, proving that if she wanted to get anywhere in this life then she was going to have to be thin.

"It's interesting crap." Sonny slapped Chad's hand away when he stood up to take the magazine off her, smiling sweetly at him when he pulled his hand back to him rubbing where she had slapped him,

"Since when have you read magazines anyway?" Tawni remembered a time when Sonny would tell her how stupid those things were,

"Since I started hanging around with you losers." She giggled, poking her tongue out and then looked back down at the magazine,

"Well it must be interesting, she has her concentration face on." Chad laughed, looking at Tawni as he sat back down, looking back up at Sonny when she rolled her eyes and tutted at him,

"Grow up Chad." She muttered causing Chad to stop laughing,

"Me? You're the one who is sitting there refusing to study just because you're looking at some stupid magazine."

"What's your point?"

"My point is that you're obsessed."

"With what?!" Tawni looked from the two, knowing that they had their arguments but as Sonny's usually pale face turned a dark shade of red and she slammed down her magazine, Tawni knew that Chad had hit a nerve with the usually calm girl, she stood up with her arms folded across her chest as she stared at Chad,

"With the way you look, the way other people look. The only reason you even look at magazines is so you can comment on who is bigger than you and then admire the ones who are thinner than yourself."

"What are you even on about?" Sonny was now bright red in the face, both of her fists clenched,

"Don't fight please." Tawni sighed, usually taking great pleasure in seeing others argue but she couldn't be bothered for Sonny's screeching tonight, she looked at them both, sighing when neither of them listened to her.

"Don't think I haven't noticed you staring at every thin person we walk past Sonny, you have been doing it for weeks now!"

"No I haven't! You don't even know what you're talking about." Tawni looked at her best friend, her face getting redder and redder by the second, not knowing if it was though embarrassment of being caught or jut anger that Chad had brought it up. Either way, she didn't want to find out, she looked up at Chad,

"Is this even worth having an argument over? You stare at people all the time and compare yourself to them, even though according to you, you always win. So, there is no point in having a go at Sonny for doing it."

"But I don't even do that!" Sonny squealed loudly, looking completely offended as Tawni just shook her head,

"It's just a pointless argument, which both of you will stop now. Okay?" Tawni sat back down, she couldn't deal with this right now and she knew that one of them would end up storming off, causing the one left behind to rant to her about how annoying he or she was. Sonny just nodded, biting down on her lower lip as she looked at Chad,

"Fine." She muttered,

"Fine!"

"Good."

"Good!" Chad stared at her for a moment before grabbing all his books and storming out of the bedroom, muttering something about girls being annoying, slamming the bedroom door behind him.

"Sorry." She whispered, sitting back down and throwing the magazine across the room. Tawni rolled her eyes, wondering how the two of them could get so annoyed over a petty argument like that. Tawni looked over at Sonny, who was still red in the face, looking as though she was about to cry at any second.

"You okay?" She asked her, watching as Sonny turned away from her and wiped her eyes with the back of her head,

"Yeah, I am fine." She whispered,

"Tell me, please." Tawni smiled at her best friend, going over to her to kneel down next to her, still trying to get used to giving someone else comfort.

"Do you think I am fat...?" She muttered, Tawni could feel her heart skipping a beat, wondering if Sonny thought the same way she did, wondering if she thought the same. Maybe Sonny could understand where Tawni was coming from when she stared into the mirror, or when she was bent over the toilet seat. Maybe Sonny felt the same.

"No, you're nowhere near fat." She sighed,

"This isn't like you, what's brought all of this on?"

"My dad came to see me the other day. He is married to someone else, and they have a daughter together, and he just kept comparing us all the time. He was going on about how perfect she was, and how perfect I ain't..."

"I am sure he didn't mean it in a horrible way, why would you let him get to you so badly? You never let stuff like this get to you usually, we have to put up with it all the time in magazines or something like that." She looked at her confused,

"Because he's my dad.. I want him to love me. He left me and now he has this perfect family that I am not a part of it." She murmured, Tawni was surprised at the pain in the girls voice, she had never seen the usually happy Sonny like this before,

"You don't have to be thin though." Tawni had to stop herself from laughing at her own hypocrisy, to her being thin was everything. It was the difference between success and failure. It was the difference between life and death. But she knew she couldn't tell Sonny than that, she would think she was crazy,

"You don't understand, I don't know why it got to me so much, but I want him to love me and at the moment he doesn't. He left me for that woman and a whole new life...a new daughter. I have been replaced by this thin, beautiful, perfect A grade student and I don't know what to do about it." She quickly wiped another tear from her face, and then looked at Tawni with her big, brown eyes,

"I am sure he wants you to be yourself and not this other girl." She nodded, smiling as the tears finally stopped. But Tawni couldn't help but feel that Sonny wouldn't just leave it at that. She smiled though, squeezing her hand gently before Sonny stood up,

"Let's get studying I guess." Tawni laughed, shaking her head,

"Those are words I didn't expect from you." Sonny just laughed, sitting down on the bed and flicked through the English revision book. Tawni shook her head as she watched her, wondering what the girl was thinking and how she was feeling, she wondered if Sonny ate and then threw up, she wondered if she had ever gone one day without food... maybe more. She couldn't ask her though, she would just sit and wait for any signs, then she would tell her about her own struggles. Then they could help each other along the way.


	3. Chapter Two

**Disclaimer: See last chapter**

**~ Chapter Two ~ **

"**Not good enough to make me proud."**

Sonny stood behind Tawni in the lunch line after rehearsal, watching as she grabbed a small salad, copying her actions. Smiling at her friend, she sat down next to her as Tawni raised an eyebrow,

"Is that all you're having?" Sonny looked down at the salad, knowing her plate would usually be filled with some of the most calorie filled food in the cafeteria but she had to start somewhere. She looked at Tawni for a moment, and nodded,

"You're having exactly the same, so what's the big deal?" Tawni shrugged and went back to picking at her salad,

"So how have you lost so much weight then?" Sonny whispered, her face turning bright red as she asked it. Tawni put down her fork and shook her head,

"You don't want to know." She muttered,

"Yes I do, that's why I asked." Tawni just shook her head again and looked back down at the salad in front of her,

"I just watch what I eat and exercise, that's all." Sonny nodded, looking down at the salad as tears formed in her eyes,

"How much weight could I lose in three weeks?" She murmured,

"Why three weeks?"

"Dad wants me to go see him and his perfect family." Sonny looked up at Tawni,

"I just want to try to make him happy, do you think that's stupid?"

"No, it's understandable Sonny, although I am sure he loves you for who you are, little miss sunshine." She laughed a little as Sonny just lightly smiled,

"I wish." She muttered, picking up her fork to nibble on a small cucumber. Tawni looked at her for a moment before deciding it was best to change the subject,

"So are you ready for tonight?" Sonny nodded and grinned,

"It's going to be so much fun." She giggled a little before both of them turned back to the plates in front of them, looking forward to the night ahead.

~ .. ~

"Hello Mrs Hart!" Sonny grinned at Tawni's mother as she walked into the large house behind Tawni,

"Sonny, nice to see you again." She said, walking past the two best friends, she smiled at the two of them as they both collapsed onto the settee before walking out of the room,

"What do you want to do tonight then?"

"Watch a movie?"

"Sure, which one though?"

"A horror?" Sonny laughed, looking at the massive DVD collection running up the wall in Tawni's house.

"Sure I am up for that. Are you sure you can take the horror though?" Sonny playfully pushed Tawni as she giggled, knowing what Tawni was like during horror movies,

"I have my rather beautiful Tawni town pillow, don't I?" Sonny nodded,

"Baby!" She poked her tongue out, putting her arms up to avoid getting hit by the pillow Tawni now held in her hands.

"You always hide your face at some point in the movie."

"Nuh-uh! I never get scared."

"Course you don't Sonny." She grinned at her friend, getting up slowly to walk over to the kitchen,

"Do you want to order pizza?"

"Sure..."

"Cool, mum has got us a load of food for the movie and stuff..." Tawni looked down at the food in front of her, shaking her head at the thought of eating all those calories and fat,

"You okay?" She nodded and then looked up at Sonny,

"Just a lot of calories, you know?"

"Yeah, but it's only the one night and you deserve a treat. You have lost a load of weight."

"Really? You think so?" Sonny nodded, knowing this was her chance to ask again,

"Yeah, how did you do it?"

"I told you before."

"I know, but I don't think that's all you do."

"Why not?"

"Just a feeling, how many meals do you have a day?"

"Why do you even care?" Tawni could feel her heart beat faster at the thought of being caught, even if it was by Sonny,

"I just... do. I told you before that I need to lose weight and you have lost loads. So I am curious, I guess."

"Sonny, just do regular exercise and don't eat crap." She seemed irritated so Sonny bit down on her lower lip, dropping the subject quickly,

"Saw V is supposed to be amazing."

"What?!"

"Do you want to see it later? Or Hostel maybe?"

"Oh, I don't mind." Tawni shook her head, glad that Sonny had got the hint but also a little disappointed because it meant one more person she had to lie to.

~ .. ~

"So what did you think of that then?" Tawni asked Sonny as she got up to turn off the film,

"It was okay I guess." Sonny shrugged,

"Okay? I saw you hide your face at a few parts."

"Only because I don't like the sight of blood."

"Of course, you were terrified!" Tawni laughed as Sonny tried to cover it up,

"Me? Never!" She scoffed, tutting and shaking her head at Tawni,

"I will be right back." Tawni said, watching as Sonny nodded and started to flick through a magazine she had found. Sonny looked around the room, not sure what to do when she heard Tawni being sick, putting down the magazine quickly, she ran up to the bathroom door, knocking it slightly,

"Tawni? Are you okay in there?"

"I'm fine." Tawni grinned as she opened the door,

"Did something we ate make you sick?" Tawni shook her head, looking down at the floor,

"I can't eat that much and not... get it out."

"You mean you were sick in purpose?" Sonny did her best to not gasp in shock as the looked at her best friend, the pieces slowly fitting together,

"Don't tell anyone please Sonny. I am only telling you because you're my best friend and I trust you, you wouldn't break that trust would you?" Sonny shook her head quickly,

"I won't, I promise." She looked around the living room, biting down hard on her lip, her hands finding their way to her stomach,

"Can you show me how?" She whispered, just loud enough for Tawni to hear. She looked at Tawni, scared that she was going to laugh at her for being so stupid, but instead Tawni grabbed her hand with a wide smile on her face. Sonny watched as Tawni led her into the toilet, she watched as Tawni bent down and put her fingers down her throat.

"Just like this." She looked back up at her friend,

"And then, you move them around a little and it takes a while for the first few times, but eventually some comes up. Look." Tawni was happy to finally be able to share this with someone, both of them were hurting and it made sense to them both if they helped each other deal with it like this.

"It's really easy, want a go?" Sonny nodded, slightly unsure of what to do still, looking at Tawni nervously as she walked next to her and knelt down on the floor. Tawni smiled at Sonny, moving some of her hair out of the way as she gently ran her fingers through it.

Sonny closed her eyes for a moment, she had to do this, she had eaten so much, she would never be perfect if she carried on. Slowly, she put her fingers down her throat and waited for a bit until some finally came out.

"Okay then, and now the more you do it, the more comes up. I will leave you alone, if you want?" Sonny nodded at her and then back down at the porcelain bowl in front of her,

"I will be right out." She muttered, watching as Tawni ran out with a huge smile on her face. She looked down at her fingers, trying to think how she didn't think about doing this before. It wasn't as hard as she thought it would be, she stuck them back down and smiled as more and more came up each time. She felt glad that Tawni had taught her this, wondering if she could have found out on her own.

Sighing when she felt empty, she stood up slowly as her legs shook. She walked up to the sink, washing her hands and face before looking into the mirror, whispering,

"Am I good enough for you yet daddy?"


	4. Chapter Three

**Disclaimer: See last chapter**

"**& it really doesn't matter if we don't eat." **

"Are you okay?" Tawni looked up from the magazine in her lap as Sonny walked out of the bathroom, Tawni bit down on her lower lip as she took in her friend's appearance – she was extremely pale and her eyes were bright red. Sonny slowly nodded, sitting down on the chair when a dizzy spell hit her.

Tawni had never hated herself more when she saw Sonny then, thinking that maybe she shouldn't have shown her. She should have known how fragile the girl was at the moment, and she had only made it worse.

"I am so sorry." Tawni muttered, watching as Sonny's head shot up, looking at Tawni confused,

"What for?"

"For showing you how to do that, it was wrong of me."

"No.. it's fine. You couldn't say no, could you? I would have asked again and again, or I would have found out myself." Sonny shrugged it off and smiled,

"Anyway we are empty now, and that's a good thing, right?"

"Yeah, I love this feeling. How do you feel?" Sonny grinned, a little sparkle returning to her eyes as she looked up, she grabbed a magazine that was sitting next to her and stared at the woman on the front cover for a while,

"I feel... amazing. When did you learn to do that?"

"I don't know really. About three months ago, maybe more."

"Why?" Tawni sighed, laying down, looking up at the white ceiling as she thought for a moment,

"I couldn't stand the fact that I had gained weight, and you understand the pressure.. when you see yourself in a magazine and you only have to look at the person on the next page and know that you don't look like them. I just want to be thin, but no matter how hard I try, I can never go one day without food. This is the only way that worked for me."

"Oh." Was all Sonny could say, not tearing her eyes away from the page she was looking at,

"Have you ever gone a day without food?"

"When I have been ill, but never on purpose."

"Yeah same." Tawni muttered, shaking her head as she thought about her own lack of control,

"I think I could though, maybe one day I will." Sonny sighed, her fingers danced along the perfect body of a girl in the magazine, constantly comparing herself. Smiling at the thought of her being that girl one day,

"We should go to bed." Tawni finally said,

"Sure, what time do you want to get up?" Tawni looked down again, not sure if Sonny would want to get up on the morning run or not,

"Six."

"Why so early? Rehearsal doesn't start till eight."

"I go for a run, when you run before eating anything it burns fat instead of calories. I find it better."

"Oh sounds cool! Can I come with you?" Tawni looked at her for a moment, she didn't sound like the Sonny she had known for so long now, she seemed shy and uncertain of herself. She wondered if this actually was all to do with her dad or if there was something else going on?

"Sure you can. It would be great to have someone who understands come with me." She grinned and Sonny lightly smiled back before standing up and stretching,

"I am not a morning person though." She muttered, following Tawni up the stairs slowly as they both yawned,

"Don't worry. I will make sure you get up, just think about the weight loss." Tawni winked and laughed,

"True." Sonny sighed,

"Is this all really just because of your dad?" She nodded and then looked away,

"I just... I used to think that I was one of those girls who would never even care about weight. I didn't think I had a problem with it but as soon as I saw him with his perfect life and family.. I don't know, I guess if you mix it with living in Hollywood." She took a deep breath, closing her eyes to think for a moment as they finally got upstairs and into the bedroom,

"I don't know.. something clicked I guess and I can't take it anymore. I want him to love me, I want to be part of his family, I want to be perfect. I want my dad to look me in the eye and tell me why he left me behind for so long. I mean it's obvious that I have never been the perfect daughter he has now. Why he even wants me over there for the week is beyond me. I just can't help but think, and I know this sounds stupid, but I really can't help but think that if I was thin, maybe if I was good in school and other stuff.. then he would love me." She shook her head, laughing a little at herself, Tawni watched as Sonny wiped away the tears that fell down her face before burying her face into her pillow.

"I don't think it's stupid at all. It makes sense."

"Really?" She could hear Sonny mumble through the pillow, she smiled a little and nodded,

"Yeah, I understand what you are going through and it may not be for the same reasons but we can help each other through this. We can lose the weight we need to and then everything will be okay." Tawni whispered,

"Yeah."

"What's your goal weight?"

"My goal weight?" Sonny finally looked up, confusion evident on her face,

"Yeah, mine is one hundred pounds."

"Oh... I don't know. Just about underweight I guess. Maybe ninety-eight,"

"Yeah double figures is good. I am so long off, do you know how much you weigh now?" Sonny nodded, playing with her hair as her face flushed red,

"One hundred and thirty two." She muttered, refusing to meet Tawni's eyes,

"I weigh one hundred and thirty eight."

"Yeah but you're a lot taller than I am." Sonny shrugged,

"Not by much."

"Still taller than me though."

"I guess, Sonny we can do this. It's going to be easy because we have each other, and we are always going to have each other." Sonny grinned, nodding as she thought about it,

"It's going to be amazing. Thank you Tawni."

"Night." Tawni finally muttered, turning off the lamp,

"Goodnight." Sonny turned to the other side, and Tawni could swear she heard a small sob come from the girl. She sighed and then closed her eyes, thinking about Sonny. She just wanted to be loved by the one man who was supposed to protect her and be with her no matter what.

She smiled as she thought about the new bond the two friends had made for themselves – it was good, neither of them were going to judge the other, it would be amazing. Everything was going to be better for both of them. She thought about how great she would look when she was thin, and the good friends they would both become along the way. She had a good feeling about all of this, everything had fallen into place and she would start to lose weight faster than ever before and then they would both be happy.

Wouldn't they?

**A/N: Please review, it's depressing that I have like hardly any... I have worked hard on this story and it's like, nobody cares :( **

**Let's aim for more than my other ED one 'Suffering In Silence' ;) **

**PLEASE review, I will give you a cyber cookie? **


	5. Chapter Four

**Disclaimer: See last chapters**

**~ "And even though nobody is looking, she is falling apart." ~ **

For the first time since she could remember, Sonny was happy to get out of bed at that time in the morning. It was as though a bolt of energy just soared through her and she was ready to get up and go. She knew what she had to do to lose all that weight, she knew that this was just something she had to do if she ever wanted to please her dad. She knew that if she didn't do this, then she would always be the imperfect, fat, ugly one. She would always be the odd one out of this little family. She would always be a disappointment.

She looked over at Tawni to see her already awake and dressed,

"You're up early." She grinned,

"So are you." Sonny laughed,

"I am a morning person though, you're not though, well you're usually not." Sonny shrugged,

"I feel... different today."

"Yeah, we will see how long that lasts." Sonny grinned at her and then ran to the bathroom to get changed. She looked at herself in the mirror, laughing at herself as she thought about her running. It had never been her thing but it was time for a change, it was time to do something that would let her get the results she wanted to.

"Ready then?" Tawni asked as Sonny walked out,

"As I'll ever be."

"I will go slow."

"Good!" Sonny laughed, following her out of her bedroom, trying to hide her shock when she saw her parents up already. Sonny gave them a quick wave as Tawni just ignored them and walked out of the door,

"They are morning people as well then I take it?"

"Yes, guess I get it from them." Sonny smiled, nobody in her family were morning people. Except perfect little 'Jane' probably. She sighed when she thought about her, with her wonderful family and amazing life. It wasn't fair she she had **her** dad all to herself, after all.. he was Sonny's first.

"Okay?" Tawni waved a hand in front of Sonny's face when she noticed the girl has spaced out a little,

"Yeah, we running or not?" Tawni looked at Sonny for a moment, before turning around, quickly setting the pace for Sonny who heaved a deep sigh as she ran behind her, groaning loudly causing Tawni to stop when she saw they were heading for the sand.

"What?"

"Sand and running... kind of hard for my first time, don't you think?"

"Burns more calories and fat." She shrugged,

"Fine." Sonny muttered, rolling her eyes as Tawni turned back around,

"This is run if you just think about the outcome."

"Exercise? Fun?" Sonny panted,

"Yes, just think about all those calories you are burning right now, and therefore the amount of weight you're going to lose." Sonny nodded,

"I guess." Tawni just laughed loudly, tutting as she ran a little faster,

"It will take a while for you to get used to it."

"And you do this everyday?"

"Yes, twice."

"Wow!" Tawni just shook her head and laughed at the look on Sonny's face, running over to a rock to sit down and take a sip of her water.

"What else do you do?"

"Some sit ups when I get back, press ups, squats."

"Loads then..." Sonny looked down at her feet, biting down on her lower lip as she thought for a moment,

"Maybe we could get some exercise stuff put in our dressing room?"

"Great idea! We should ask, it's going to be amazing." Tawni grinned widely, Sonny just nodded as her smile never reached her eyes, looking down at the sand for a while, almost jumping when Tawni took her hand in hers,

"It's all going to work out in the end, I promise."

"Thanks Tawni, you're a great friend."

"We should get back and do something else before rehearsal starts."

"Okay. I think I should start trying to do my best in school as well. Do you think you could help me with that? Like, have study sessions or something, you have been doing amazing lately. If that's not too much bother..."

"No problem at all, anything for my best friend." Sonny smiled, not saying anything about Tawni saying best friend, referring to someone other than herself or her reflection. She laughed as Tawni suddenly ran off, leaving Sonny to quickly follow behind her.

~ .. ~

"I don't want you to go." Tawni grabbed Sonny in a sudden act of comfort as they both sat in their dressing room, the past three weeks had gone by so quickly and before she knew it, it was time to meet her dad.

"I know but it's just a week. I will phone you every single day."

"You better."

"Of course, I could never forget about you and just think... when you get back there is only a few days until prom." Sonny nodded,

"It's going to be great."

"When we get back we should weigh together."

"Sure, I haven't weighed in a long time." Sonny gave her best friend one last hug before jumping into the cab her mother had supplied for her, waving to Tawni out of the window. She thought about how perfect the past few week had been, but how quickly they had passed. She bit down on her lip as she wondered if she had lost any weight since her dad had last seen her.

She looked up at the airport as she got there, gulping a little as she thought about letting him down. But what if she had lost some, then he would be proud of her, right?

Soon enough she was there, wrapping an arm around her dad when he ran up to meet her off the plane.

"Wow! You have lost all your baby fat Allison. You look great!"

"Thanks." He smiled a little, looking around the airport,

"Your sister is here somewhere."

"Oh.." She looked down at the floor, why couldn't he just come on his own? Was that too much to ask from him? She looked back up, sighing when she saw the girl she knew to be her sister – gorgeous, and thin. The complete opposite of Sonny. She waved and ran over,

"Hi! I am Jane." She held out her hand and Sonny slowly took at it, this girl was obviously a cheerleader. She was jealous of a fourteen year old girl, she thought, trying to suppress a laugh at the thought.

"Sonny." She looked at her and frowned,

"You look different from the photographs and the last time I was able to catch your show was about a month ago, cheer leading practise is so annoying sometimes."

"She has lost some weight since then." Dad chipped in, wrapping an arm around Sonny's shoulder, touching her nose lightly just like he used to do when she was younger.

"Been to busy to even think about eating a lot lately!" Sonny laughed a little,

"Wow! That's cool, do you dance?" Sonny shook her head, her cheeks turning a light shade of pink as she looked down at her shoes once again,

"I am more into music and comedy..." She shrugged,

"That is really cool. I love to dance, I do it all the time."

"Cool." Sonny muttered, looking up at her dad for a moment, hoping he would break the ice,

"Now come on girls, we are going to go out for a meal."

"Oh..." Sonny sighed, trying to think of an excuse to get out of this, she looked down at her outfit and smiled,

"I am not wearing anything suitable though."

"It doesn't matter, it's just a small family gathering. We can all talk and have a good old catch up."

"Fine."

~ .. ~

"So Allison do you enjoy school?" She looked up at the woman in front of her, her half sisters mother and her step mother,

"Yeah, it's okay."

"What is your average grade?"

"A.." Sonny looked down at the table, having no idea why she lied about that, but then she looked up and saw the pride on her dad's face and she knew exactly why,

"Really?"

"Yes, managed to get it up at last. It's hard to balance it with rehearsal sometimes."

"That's great." He ruffled her hair lightly, laughing as he did so.

"Do you have a boyfriend?" Jane asked, putting down her fork to look at Sonny who wondered how they hadn't found out yet – the rest of the world seemed to know.

"Yeah, Chad Dylan Cooper." She muttered, blushing as she looked down again when she saw Jane's jaw drop, why did everyone seem so surprised when she told them?

"Is he as good in school as he is at acting?" Sonny's dad raised an eyebrow and looked at his daughter, any dad would see the boyfriend as a threat but he was glad that she was happy.

"Yeah he is amazing at almost everything he does." She looked down at her salad which she had yet to touch,

"Are you going to eat any of that?" Sandy, her stepmother asked her, Sonny just shrugged and wrinkled her nose a little,

"I ate a lot on the way here."

"Are you sure?" The woman raised an eyebrow as she looked from Sonny to the small salad she had ordered,

"Yes I am sure. I am sixteen, not four. I know when I am full up and when I am not." Sonny snapped, ignoring her when the woman looked down at her plate full of food,

"Waiter! Can you take this please?" She pointed towards the salad, ignoring the look from him as he nodded and took it away. She looked around the table, noticing that Jane was now sitting there awkwardly while her dad just stared at his wife, trying to apologize with his eyes for his own daughters behaviour.

"Sorry, I am just tired." She fake yawned to prove a point, glad when everyone cheered up again,

"I thought the Hollywood lifestyle was getting to you then kiddo." She forced a smile when her dad ruffled her hair once more, grinning like an idiot when he did.

She sighed when everyone started to talk again, watching them as they ate with not a care in the world. She counted every single calorie they were putting in their mouths, they were consuming hundreds of unneeded calories, and they didn't even care.

She bit down on her lip, looking down at her legs as she fought the urge to grab a bread stick or something right then, she wanted to talk to Tawni so they could laugh at them together.

"Are we all ready to go?" Joe, Sonny's dad said causing Sonny to look up and quickly stand up,

"Can I use your phone at your house?" He nodded and laughed,

"Do you want to phone Connie?

"No, my best friend and Chad just to let them know that I am okay. Mum is in work at the moment." Sonny smiled and started to walk ahead of them, her eyes focusing as she tried to avoid all thinking about food and eating as much as she could get her hands on.

_Keep your back straight, walk quick, small steps, it all burns more calories. _

_Remember everything you have learned from Tawni and those sites. _

_You need to be thin Sonny. _

_You have to be perfect._

_Otherwise they won't love you._

_They won't accept you. _


	6. Chapter Five

**Disclaimer: See last chapter**

**A/N: I was too annoyed to update yesterday, as someone decided to review this and tell me that this story (Prologue anyway) was 'messed up' because I wrote about Cardiac Arrest. **

**I would like to point out that:**

**I wrote this story four days before he died. **

**The world doesn't stop because he dies, and it doesn't make me delete something or change something in a story because of it. **

**Actually, I wrote this story in February and can be seen in my H20 section of my profile. **

**Oh, and people die of Cardiac Arrest for different reasons, and MJ didn't die of bulimia. And other people have died from the same thing, it's not as if MJ is the only one in the world to have died of it. **

**Urgh! **

**Long authors note there but they kind of annoyed me. **

**~ "Living in an ordinary world just to fit in." ~ **

"I missed you!" Tawni looked at Sonny before hugging her tightly,

"You have lost some weight." Sonny just grinned,

"Yeah, I managed to stick to the diet while I was there, how have you been? You have lost some as well." Tawni nodded,

"Only a little bit though, I weighed this morning – four pounds down."

"Well done, that's really good."

"What about you?" Sonny looked down at the floor as she started to walk towards her side of the dressing room,

"What?" She sounded so distant as she carried on walking,

"How much weight have you lost?"

"Not much, since I left here about six pounds."

"In a week?! That's amazing!" Sonny nodded slowly, sitting down before looking up at Tawni and sighing,

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing.. just... I don't know. I don't feel well I guess."

"What do you mean?"

"I am just so tired, I feel sick all of the time and I don't know... I will be fine, just a hard week." Tawni nodded, putting her arm around the girl's shoulders,

"How was little miss perfect?" She decided it was best to change the subject a little, Sonny laughed loudly and turned around to look in the mirror,

"Just that... perfect." She heaved a deep sigh,

"Dad loves her more than he ever loved me, or loves me for that matter. She does everything right, she did all her chores and she has these amazing friends, she gets the best grades.... and I-I lied to them, I told them I get all A's as well. I-I need to get those A's on my next report card Tawni, or he will hate me so much..." A tear fell down her face as Tawni just listened,

"He was so proud of me, I just... I have to show her that I can be like Jane and then maybe-maybe if I can then she will love me just as much." She looked down at the floor, her cheeks turning a light shade of pink as she spoke. Tawni bit down on her lower lip for a while, she had no idea how vulnerable Sonny actually was, she was so strong usually, she was so happy. Sonny was the one who could always put a smile on anyone's face when they were down, Sonny made thousands of people laugh during every show.

Tawni shook her head, taking Sonny's hand in hers and squeezing it gently.

"It will be okay in the end, everything will work out for you and your dad. He does love you Sonny, I wish you could see that." She sighed and stood up, leaving Tawni there to wonder how she could possibly cheer up the usually happy girl. Nothing would work though, she knew that much, but there had to be a way to make her see that her dad already loves her. She bit down on her lip, not knowing what to do, letting it go for the moment when Sonny smiled at her.

"Look what I have." Tawni ran over to her dressing table, taking a look at herself in the mirror, smiling at her reflection for a minute before turning back around with two small bags in her hand, she handed one to Sonny and grinned, sitting down on the settee next to her,

"What is it?" Sonny looked at the black bag which had her initials in pink on it.

"What are they for?" Sonny held up the two bags in there, wrinkling her nose in disgust,

"Eating silly." Tawni rolled her eyes and patted Sonny on the head, laughing. Sonny just nodded and continued to stare at the bags of food,

"I found it on a website, people have lost loads of weight just eating the two plain crackers and the carrots for lunch."

"Okay then, may as well give it a try." She muttered, placing the bags back into the black purse.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing.. I just..." She sighed,

"I don't like carrots." Tawni was relieved, she thought that she had lost Sonny then and she would be all alone again,

"I don't like crackers but anything for beauty." She shrugged,

"Anything to be thin." Sonny smiled, getting up when they both heard their names being called for rehearsal. They both smiled at each other, silent as they walked to the stage.

Tawni bit down on her lower lip as she thought about prom next week, she wondered how much weight she could lose in a week, the prom was next week and she just wanted to fit into that dress so badly. She sighed, trying to concentrate on what everyone was saying around her but all she could think about was weight, calories and that damn dress. She was going to have to change it at the last minute, she panicked at the thought. She was too fat to fit into it, it wasn't fair. The dress was perfect. But she had a week left, a whole week.

~ .. ~

Tawni sat down at the lunch table, ignoring the looks from Grady and Nico as she didn't go up into the line, instead pulling out her lunch bag.

"Hiya!" Sonny ran up behind them all, grinning as she sat down.

"Someone is happy." Tawni laughed,

"Chad didn't have rehearsal for the past hour so I spent some time with him." Tawni shook her head, still smiling at her best friend – and the only person she cared about other than herself.

"Should have guessed." Sonny nodded as she took out the bag Tawni had given her earlier and opened it up, not looking up to see everyone stare at them both and shake their heads. Zora brought the meatball sandwich to her mouth and grinned at them both, remembering a time when they would have been doing the same. She knew that living in Hollywood got to everyone – but why did it have to get to the two young teenage girls so soon? Tawni looked at Zora in disgust, she had nothing against the girl but she did have something against the massive sandwich in her hands and so did Sonny by the look on her face. Tawni watched Sonny as she set out everything in front of her, nibbling a little on the carrot as she looked down at the table – avoiding all sight of that sandwich. She looked up at her friends for a second, but then quickly back down at the food in front of her.

"Is that all you're eating?" Grady asked, eyeing the meal they had both placed in front of them,

"Yeah.. you know.. prom next week." Sonny smiled, making a note to eat in her dressing room from now on.

"But neither of you need to lose any weight." Nico muttered, causing Sonny to look up for a moment and shake her head,

"It's our bodies." She glared at him, looking back down when Nico decided to ignore the comment. Tawni smiled, grabbing her food and water, glad when Sonny did the same – only on the way out of there she chucked her food in the bin, something which didn't go unnoticed by her friends and Chad.

Tawni took a deep breath and looked behind her for a moment and then back at Sonny, she hadn't seen her chuck away the food.

"Did you see what they were all eating?" Sonny giggled,

"At least eight hundred calories in that one meal. I wonder how many calories they have in one day." Tawni laughed loudly, smiling as they walked into their dressing room.

"You know something?" Sonny suddenly said,

"What?"

"I don't feel hungry anymore, it's as if all the pain I was feeling from the hunger before has just disappeared." She grinned,

"It feels amazing."

"Yeah it does." Tawni muttered, she didn't want to admit to Sonny that her hunger had never gone away, she didn't want her to know that the reason she was losing weight quicker than Tawni could was because she couldn't help herself in the night. She would eat and eat and then throw it all back up, but Sonny would go a whole day without touching anything. It was just one of the things Tawni resented about her best friend, she could go for days without food... and she just couldn't.

"There's the bell, I will meet you in class?" Sonny grabbed her bag and ran out of the door, quickly going to meet Chad before the lesson started.

Tawni looked at herself in the mirror before running to the bathroom to be sick, _"Sonny may hardly eat but at least I can do this when I eat something."_ She thought to herself, smiling when she was done and then walking out with her head held high, it always made her feel so good.

She grinned at Sonny when she saw her walking into the classroom, but Sonny just glared and shook her head at her,

"Here? Really?" Tawni sat down at her desk, raising an eyebrow,

"How did you know?"

"You always have that... that look on your face..." She sighed, slamming down her books on the desk and sitting down,

"Be very careful Tawni, you don't want to get caught and I don't even know why you chose to purge that," - both of them were so glad nobody had arrived yet –

"You said yourself there were hardly any calories, unless you lied to me..." Tawni noticed how upset she looked and she looked down at her desk,

"Are you angry at me?"

"No, just confused."

"I don't know why, you hardly even touched yours. We both have different ways of doing this, of dealing with it. We will just have to accept that okay?" Sonny nodded, tears glazing her eyes as she looked down at her feet,

"Are we going for a swim tonight?" She asked after a few moments of awkward silence between the two friends,

"Yeah, should be fun." Tawni sighed, knowing Chad would be there but it was still burning calories. She grinned as Sonny did the same, both of them knowing they had a real friend and they would just have to deal with the jealousy that the other could do something they couldn't.

Their friendship would survive it all, it was all going to be okay.

~ .. ~

"Ready?" Sonny ran into Tawni's bedroom and sighed as Tawni laughed,

"I don't know why you're so nervous."

"Bikini... stomach... fat.. gross." She took deep breaths, looking at herself in the mirror as she wrinkled her nose in obvious disgust, Tawni just shook her head and looked at her,

"I can see your ribs." She pointed out, smiling as she did so.

"Really?" She looked back in the mirror, grabbing the flesh on her stomach,

"I just want to chop it all of." Tawni laughed, going over to the mirror to do the same.

"Chad's going to see how fat I am." Sonny whispered, tears falling down her face as she carried on looking in the mirror,

"What about me?" Tawni offered,

"I look obese." She lifted up a part of stomach fat and Sonny just raised an eyebrow,

"That's nothing compared to mine." She muttered, looking away from the mirror as she couldn't stand to look at herself for any longer.

"Do you want to weigh before or after then?" She asked,

"May as well get it over and done with right now." Sonny nodded, running to Tawni's en-suite as Tawni followed her.

"You go first." Sonny looked up at her friend and then back down at the scales, watching as Tawni slowly stepped on them and looked down as the numbers had lowered.

"Is it good?" Sonny asked,

"One hundred and twenty eight!" Tawni grinned,

"Wow! Ten pounds in one month! That's amazing." Sonny said with an obvious hint of jealousy in her voice – something Tawni decided to ignore. Sonny bit down on her lower lip hard when she had to step on,

"One hundred and thirty two when we started." She whispered, mostly to herself, she closed her eyes, Tawni looked down instead and scowled a little before grinning when Sonny opened her eyes,

"One hundred and eighteen pounds." She muttered,

"So that's a stone?" She looked at Tawni who smiled and wrapped her arms around Sonny,

"I am proud of you."

"Thanks." She stepped off and put her shoes back on,

"We should go, we are supposed to meeting him soon." Tawni nodded, grabbing a jacket from her cupboard before turning to walk out of the door,

"Why are you taking that?" Sonny called out from behind her,

"It's going to be late when we get back, so it's going to be cold." Sonny nodded,

"Oh yeah, sorry... I am so stupid." She muttered, looking around the room for her own jacket,

"You're not stupid." She shrugged and walked up to Tawni before they both walked out of the bedroom.

"Mum?" Tawni shouted when they got to the bottom of the stairs,

"We are going swimming for a while, but can Sonny sleep tonight?" Sonny was over at the door as Tawni spoke to her mum, too far away to hear anything they were saying,

"She's getting awfully skinny lately Tawni, is she eating okay?" Tawni nodded, trying to hold back her anger.. how could she notice that Sonny had lost weight but not her own daughter?

"She is fine, we eat together at lunch and we spend most of our time together... I would notice that." Her mum nodded, wrapping her arms around her,

"You have lost some as well, I hope that you're okay?"

"Yes! We are both fine mother, no junk food that is all. No different from my normal diet." She nodded,

"Okay then, do you want anything to eat when you get back?" Tawni looked over at Sonny for a moment, who had walked a little closer to them as she waited for Tawni, shaking her head,

"We're having tea with Chad Mrs Hart." She smiled,

"Do you need any money then?"

"We have some thanks mum!" Tawni grinned, kissing her on the cheek,

"Come on! We're late." Sonny smiled,

"Bye Mrs Hart."

"Bye Sonny." The woman shook her head at the two best friend before walking back to the living room. Tawni slammed the door on her way out and ran to catch up with Sonny, linking arms with her,

"She thinks I have lost weight." Sonny laughed,

"That's probably because you have." She said sarcastically, rolling her eyes,

"Yes... but she noticed." Tawni sighed, repeating it in her head over and over again...

**She had noticed. **


	7. Chapter Six

**Disclaimer: See last chapter**

**~ Chapter Six ~**

**~ "Mirror I am seeing a new reflection." ~ **

They were finally going to have that real prom they had all longed for, and it was tonight. Tawni and Sonny were to excited. It was the one thing they had both been waiting for, a good chance to dress up and have some fun. They both knew it was a big chance to show off their weight loss, and for Sonny to show off her amazing boyfriend.

She looked in the mirror, this was going to be one night she wouldn't let herself worry about weight or calories – she hoped. She smiled a little in the mirror, they had rehearsals all day but Tawni and Sonny had been too excited to get anything done.

"Hey!" Tawni grinned, chucking over a cold bottle of water to Sonny before looking in her own mirror.

"Looking forward to tonight?" Sonny nodded,

"Do you think we hit our weight target?" She asked, wishing she didn't care,

"You sure do look like you have." She smiles at Tawni who looks at Sonny,

"You look like you have, and more." Sonny shrugged,

"We will weigh later and see."

"So have you eaten today?" Tawni bit down on her lip, not tearing her eyes away from the mirror,

"No, just to be ready for tonight. Just in case they have loads of food there or something." Sonny muttered, sitting down for a minute as she closed her eyes and tried to focus on something other than the dizziness.

"Yeah, true." Sonny got back up when Tawni walked out to go to the bathroom, pinching whatever fat she could find on her body,

"What are you doing?" Tawni asked when she walked back in,

"Do I look fat?" Sonny asked as she turned to face Tawni, away from the mirror,

"No! You could never look fat."

"Hmm..." She looked back at the mirror, heaving a deep sigh; Huge thighs, fat stomach, double chin and chubby cheeks. (**A/N: Mind of an anorexic, I am not saying Sonny/Demi is fat) **It was all she could see, people would look at her and tell her it wasn't true but it was what she saw, and that was the only truth she could trust, right? After all the mirror never lies.

They both walked out of the changing room, ready to go to Tawni's house and get changed, laughing with each other until Tawni grabbed Sonny's hand and started to run.

"Tawni! We look like freaks."

"I don't care."

"Well, I do."

"Have some fun Sonny, think of the calories we are burning anyway." Sonny shrugged her shoulders, laughing,

"True, but can you possibly fun like the seventeen year old you are and not like a six year old?"

"But it's more fun this way." She pouted,

"And it's fun to do it the normal way."

"Oh come on Sonny, loosen up once in a while." Sonny nodded, sighing when she realized she hadn't done anything stupid – off show – in ages. She laughed as Tawni took her on her own little crazy run, knowing that if anyone laughed at us or anything then she would stop.

Sonny was relieved when they finally arrived at Tawni's house, out of breath and tried, they both collapsed on the settee and grinned at Mrs Hart when she walked in, looking at them both confused,

"Why are you two out of breath?"

"Tawni decided it would be fun to run all the way home." Sonny tried her best to sound annoyed but she was secretly happy that they had managed to burn more calories than they usually did.

"It was fun." Tawni muttered, in a world of her own, Sonny just rolled her eyes and got up, grabbing Tawni's hands and pulling her up,

"We need to start getting ready."

"We need to go for our run because it will be too late when we get back." Tawni said,

"Well let's go get changed then." She nodded, running up the stairs, laughing when Sonny followed her only for them to both collapse on her floor.

"Right, come on then, we don't have long." She said after a few moments, changing into her jogging bottoms and smiling as Sonny did the same.

~ .. ~

"Quick weigh in and then we will get ready." Tawni grinned, walking into her bedroom after their run.

"Shall I go first this time?" Tawni nodded and followed Sonny into the bathroom, she sighed and then closed her eyes and slowly stepped on,

"One hundred and eighteen last time, right?" Tawni nodded, watching as Sonny opened her eyes and looked down at the scales,

"Have you done it?" Tawni squealed, knowing the weight on those scales would effect her best friends mood for the rest of the night.

"One hundred and fourteen, bang on target." Sonny muttered, seemingly annoyed with herself – she had hoped for less.

"Your turn." She tried her best to smile at Tawni when she stepped on,

"I have to one hundred and twenty four." She announced, closing her eyes,

"You look for me." She whispered,

"What?" Sonny gulped, she wouldn't know what to say if Tawni hadn't made it.

"Please Sonny, I don't know what I would do if I haven't made it." She sounded like she was about to cry, so Sonny nodded and looked down, smiling,

"It's fine, you're one hundred and twenty three. Well done." She wrapped her arms around her, grinning,

"Thank God for that." Tawni smiled,

"Let's get ready now!" She ran out of the bathroom, now excited that tonight was going to be amazing, she could finally fit into her dress.

~ .. ~

"Wow! You both look beautiful." Mrs Hart smiled as they both walked down the stairs, both in elegant black dresses. Tawni's was the shorter version of the one Sonny was wearing, and their backs could be seen through the fabric. Sonny smiled shyly and looked down at the floor,

"When will Portlyn be here?" Her mother asked, smiling when the doorbell went off,

"Here she is!" Tawni shouted in a French accent, causing Sonny to giggle,

"You're crazy." She nodded,

"You love that about me though." Sonny smiled and looked in the mirror to put her earrings in. Tawni grabbed Portlyn as she walked in, grinning at her amazing, emerald green dress that came to just above her knees.

"You look amazing, doesn't she look amazing Sonny?" Sonny looked over and nodded, smiling a little before turning back to the mirror, going over what was wrong with her body in her head as she stared at her reflection.

"You look beautiful, both of you." Portlyn said as she walked up behind Sonny, staring at the girl who was still looking at herself in the mirror with tears in her eyes,

"You're both getting really thin though." She sighed, staring at Sonny's back as she spoke,

"You can never be too thin my darling." Tawni replied in her fake – and bad – French accent, making Sonny laugh loudly as she shook her head,

"We are fine." Sonny tried to smile, not tearing her eyes from her reflection,

"I can see your shoulder blades." Portlyn muttered, Chad had warned her about Sonny's weight loss, he wanted her to make sure she was doing okay – and by the looks of things, she wasn't.

"I have always been able to see yours, I got over that a long time ago, I am sure you can do the same." Sonny finally turned around, glaring at her.

"Sorry." She muttered, noticing how silent the room had got,

"We are fine, we eat loads. Don't we Tawni?" She looked over at her friend for some much needed support,

"Yes, a lot."

"Course you do." Portlyn muttered, ignoring the eye roll she received from Sonny.

"Come on girls! I want a group photograph." Tawni's parents walked down the stairs, this time with a camera.

"All together now." Tawni nodded, standing in the middle with her arms around Portlyn's and Sonny's waist, Sonny shifted uncomfortably as she tried to smile at the camera. She quickly moved out of the pose to run to the door when it knocked, grinning when she saw Chad and wrapped her arms around him,

"You look amazing." He smiled, handing her a small red rose when she pulled away from him. Sonny kissed him gently on the lips and smiled,

"You look very handsome." She grinned, blushing a little as she looked at her boyfriend,

"Well, it's not so hard for me." Sonny laughed, grabbing his hand as he looked down at her and kissed her on the cheek. She could feel herself blush again, trying to distract herself by staring at Tawni and Nico and Portlyn and her boyfriend, Lewis.

Sonny rolled her eyes at the constant photographs taken by Tawni's parents, she found herself wondering if they would be just as proud of her if they knew what she did. Would they still love her? She wondered what they would do, what Tawni would do, if she told them. She would probably get the blame though, even though Tawni's bulimia started long before Sonny even knew about it. Sonny sighed as she took one more last look in the mirror before taking off with her boyfriend and friend into the large limo out front. Tonight was going to be perfect.

~ .. ~

Sonny looked around at everyone eating and sighed, she wrapped her arms around her stomach and tried to ignore the stomach pains.

"Are you going to eat?" Tawni ran over to her from the dance floor and Sonny looked at all the food on the table,

"Nothing I like here, what about you?"

"I might have something and then purge." Tawni whispered as Sonny just nodded. Tawni grinned and then laughed when Nico pulled her back onto the dance floor, Sonny stood there biting down on her lip as she watched them both dancing.

"What took you so long?" She asked Chad when he finally walked back over to her, his famous grin on his perfect face,

"I grabbed some food on my way back from the little men's room." He held up two plated and then grabbed one of Sonny's hand to drag her over to a table. She could feel herself starting to shake, she couldn't eat all of that disgusting, fatty food. It was horrible. She was going to get fat, she thought.

They both sat down at a spare table and she smiled at him when he placed the plate in front of her and then looked at her. He was challenging her to eat it and she wasn't going to accept that challenge – she didn't care if anyone was on to her.

"Aren't you going to eat any of it?" She shook her head,

"Me and Tawni are ordering pizza tonight."

"Of course you are." He muttered sarcastically,

"You can ask her if you want to!"

"I am sure you can manage to eat something before then." She shook her head,

"I would really rather save myself for the pizza."

"No! Just eat the damn food."

"Why?"

"I have to know that you're okay Sonny. I have to know that you eat." He grabbed her hand across the table,

"I do eat, I eat all the time."

"Well I have never seen you eat."

"I am not around you all the time."

"I will make sure I am if you want, just to make sure that you're okay." He pushed the plate closer to her and she shook her head, pushing it back towards him with tears falling from her eyes,

"What's wrong?" He quickly got up, wrapping his arm around the shaking girl,

"I don't feel well." She whispered,

"That's a lie, you just don't want to eat. Just tell me why Sonny, please." He was about to cry, she could hear it in his voice.

"I just... I don't want to get fat again." She pleaded with him to drop it, sighing as she said those dreaded words. Chad was never supposed to know how she felt, she had just broken all the control she had for herself. She had just told the one person she had never wanted to know, and now he wasn't going to love her anymore when he realized what a fat cow she was. She sighed and looked down at the thoughts that ran through her head,

"You're not fat and you never have been." He lifted up her head and kissed her on the lips,

"Whatever." She muttered, looking away from him for a moment,

"Just eat something."

"Fine!" She grabbed a sandwich, nibbling on it, looking at him when he smiled and sat back down and started with his own food.

"I have to pee." She finally said when she was done, he nodded and smiled,

"Will you wait here for me?" She looked at him,

"Then we can dance?" He asked, grinning when she nodded before running off to the toilet. She had to get everything out of her, she had to do it soon before all the calories stayed inside of her and made her even fatter.

Crying, she ran into the bathroom and locked herself in a cubicle. She sighed as she heard someone being sick next door to her, ramming her own fingers down her throat quickly,

"Sonny?" She heard after a while, she was done by then and sitting on the closed toilet seat, staring into space.

"Tawni?" She heard a big sigh and then a sob,

"I am such a failure."

"No! It's okay, you got it all out, didn't you?" She sighed,

"Yeah, but I shouldn't have eaten it in the first place." Tawni muttered, leaning her head against the cubicle as Sonny did the same.

"I had something as well."

"I saw, but Chad made you. Nico didn't force me to do anything, I just chose to eat it." She sighed and Sonny shook her head, getting up and opening the door. She smiled at Tawni when she did the same, both of them washing their hands and faces before looking at themselves in the mirror.

"We are going to be okay, let's just go and dance." Sonny smiled, grabbing her hand,

"Burn some of those calories." Tawni grinned, laughing as they both walked out of the bathroom.

_**Burning **calories_

_**Starving **yourself_

_Making yourself **throw up**_

_It's all part of the package_

_You just have to **accept **it_

_You can't have it all without some effort..._


	8. Chapter Seven

**Disclaimer: See last chapter**

**~ Chapter Seven ~ **

"**Thin, thinner, thinnest." **

Tawni had no idea when it had become a competition between herself and Sonny. She guessed it was sometime after prom night, before then it was just a diet to Sonny for some quick weight look but then something had taken over her and she just had to be thinner. And Tawni just needed someone to talk to, she needed someone to help make her thinner, she needed Sonny.

It was hard to explain for Tawni, but she needed Sonny because she was the one of the girls that Tawni had always longed to compete with – she always had. And Sonny took it just as serious as Tawni did. She was going to win though, Tawni could see that. She was the one who could fast, the one who would exercise non stop when she put her mind to it and she was the one who was all for control. Tawni was the one who couldn't go one day without any food but who also could not go one whole day without purging at least four times a day. Tawni was the weak one in her eyes, she was the one who was behind in the race they had created for themselves.

The two girls were similar in so many ways but so different at the same time. Different diseases, but still so similar in every single way. It was hard to explain to anyone else but they both had Eating Disorders which were just as bad as the other, but were differing in impact. Sonny lost weight a lot quicker than Tawni, she got ill before Tawni did, Sonny was caught before Tawni was.

Bulimia was different from Anorexia; Sonny wanted perfection, Tawni longed for control. She would lose all the control she had made for herself during the day by stuffing her face in the night, and the only way she could regain control afterwards from purging, it was the only way that worked for her.

Tawni looked over at Sonny, everyone was wearing shorts for a new sketch they were doing about sports in school, but as usual Sonny had refused to wear anything that exposed her stomach or legs. And only Tawni knew why – Sonny didn't want anyone to know how 'fat' she was, but Tawni could see how the girl would fade away every time she saw her.

Tawni stares at her legs as they walk over to the stage, wondering what they look like under all those baggy layers. She smiles at the girl she had become so close to but then so far apart at the same time, Sonny just nods and looks down at what Tawni is wearing. Tawni bites down on her lip for a moment knowing that Sonny was probably thinking how she shouldn't be wearing shorts, that she is too fat to wear them as well.

"What?" She does her best to sound casual but she knows it probably didn't sound that way, coming out weak and confused.

"Nothing.. I-I just... you've lost weight." She shrugs and then goes to walk off,

"You too." She smiles weakly and Tawni before looking down at the ground and sighing,

"Want to exercise tonight or something?" Tawni nods and grins, glad that Sonny had actually asked to hang around with her for the first time in a few weeks.

"We should go for a run tonight." Sonny nodded, linking arms with Tawni as they walked, neither of them seeing Zora behind them.

"I am so slow though."

"No! You're amazing at running now." She started to laugh a little biting down on her lip hard,

"Sonny hates running." Zora grinned, somehow popping up in front of them with her hands on her hips,

"Sonny doesn't, she's good at it."

"How about we don't talk about me like I am not even here?" Sonny rolled her eyes, pulling away from Emma and walking ahead of the two of them. Tawni ran back up to her, ignoring the hurt look on Zora's face, smiling at Sonny. She frowned when Sonny smiled back, noticing the smile never seemed to reach her eyes anymore. The sparkle that had always been in them from the day she had arrived at 'So Random!' was gone.

She found herself wondering if this was all her fault, if she was to blame for this new Sonny that nobody seemed to like. She was the one who introduced her to this world after all. She sighed and looked at the large exercise circuit that had been made for them for this sketch.

"We need to take this slow, okay?" She smiled, they weren't supposed to fall over or anything on the first rehearsal, it was just to get to know the course.

"Why? The faster we go, the more calories burned.. right?"

"You will never finish if you go too fast." Tawni knew she was right, Sonny's weak lungs wouldn't be able to take the pressure if she hadn't eaten for as long as Tawni thought.

"Don't do this.." She muttered, noticing that Sonny was getting into her sprinting pose,

"You won't care about being perfect if you're dead."

"Whatever Tawni." She spat her name out as she ran off, Tawni shook her head and held back for a moment knowing that Sonny was going to end up collapsing if she carried on like that all the way around. Tawni looked at Nico as he stared at Sonny, biting down on his lip as he jogged slowly around, she shrugged and smiled a little,

"I don't know either." She had to pretend, she didn't want anyone to blame her, she didn't mean to do it. She hadn't wanted this to happen.

Tawni wasn't too far behind Sonny but she knew the girl hadn't eaten in days, and she had no idea where she had gotten all her energy from, wishing she could find that willpower that Sonny always seemed to have so much of. She knew Sonny was going to quick for her own good, finally stopping at the finishing line and ignoring the looks from Marshall as he tried to cheer everyone else on.

"I told you not to do that." Tawni whispered, running over to her when she saw how pale she had gone,

"Are you okay?" Sonny tried her best to nod, tears falling down her face as she tried to catch her breath again. Tawni looked up at Marshall for a moment, crying out when Sonny fell to the ground.

"I told her not to go so fast." Tawni muttered, not knowing what else to say when Marshall pulled her out of the way so he could check on the now unconscious Sonny. Tawni kept shaking her head, she had no idea why Sonny had insisted on sprinting the whole way around. She blamed herself for all of this.

She watched as everyone else ran over, screaming her best friends name. She didn't look away from the tiny, pale girl who was laying on the floor through. She saw how badly she was shaking as they wrapped a blanket around her. And she sat there as an ambulance was called. She had no idea what to say or do, her best friend was about to be carted away in an ambulance and she was the only one who knew why. She was the only one who knew the girls secrets but she couldn't tell anyone. She had made a promise.

"Sonny?!" Chad shouted, running towards then with Nico who had seemingly gone to get the boy.

"What happened?" He looked at Tawni as though he blamed her for all of this but she just shrugged,

"Don't you dare shrug at me, I know you know something. Now tell me!" He glared at her, watching as his girlfriend was taken away by the paramedics. She could feel his hands on her shoulders as he shook her, and she turned to look at him,

"I told her to slow down." Was all she could say to the broken boy in front of her, wrapping her arms around herself. Nico sighed,

"She sprinted the whole way around, she just wouldn't stop." Chad looked at his girlfriend,

"I am going with her, see you there." He muttered before running over there and arguing with the paramedics. The friends fought the urge to smile when they heard him say,

"Do you know who I am? I am Chad Dylan Cooper!" They watched him jump into the back as one of them said he could go in and slam the door behind him.

"She's going to be okay." Grady whispered, trying to reassure himself and others around him, Tawni nodded,

"We-we need to get there..." She whispered,

"I-I need to know that she is going to be okay, I need to see her." She looked around before running up to her bag and grabbing her phone,

"Mum, I need you to pick me up now please."

"What's wrong honey?"

"Sonny has been taken into hospital and I need to see her mum, please." She could hear her mum whisper something to someone before coming back onto the phone,

"I will be there now." She said before hanging up.

"What is going on?" Zora asked her,

"Nothing is going on, why do you ask?"

"Does Sonny eat anything?" Grady bit down on his lip as he asked,

"Yes all the bloody time!" Tawni hissed at him, she couldn't stand all of this, everyone was going to blame her if anything happened to her, it was all her fault.

"She's just lost so much weight, we are all so worried about her." Nico spoke up, looking at Tawni as tears fell from her eyes,

"So you've all been bitching about her behind her back then?"

"No! What is wrong with you? She is our best friend as well and we are worried about her.. about both of you."

"Well you don't need to be, we are both fine."

"Sonny is laying in some hospital bed right now, so whatever the hell kind of pact you two have going on it needs to stop!" Zora shouted at the older girl, tears falling down the own little girls face as she looked down at the floor.

"I am going to go later, I will see you there." She muttered before running off the stage to phone her parents.

"You need to sort this out, and soon." Nico whispered before following Zora and Grady out, leaving Tawni on her own. She looked down at the floor and began to cry, she didn't know this was going to happen. She just wanted someone who understood her and now look at what happened.

She sighed as she grabbed all of her stuff and walked out of there to meet her mum. She just needed to know that Sonny was going to be okay, she was her best friend, the one person who knew everything about her. Sonny was the one she turned to when Tawni was upset or angry, she had to know that she was going to be okay.

Tawni needed Sonny more than Sonny needed her.


	9. Chapter Eight

**Disclaimer: See last chapter**

**~ Chapter Eight ~ **

**~ "It's sad when people you know become people you knew." ~ **

**~ Tawni ~ **

I ran towards the small room the nurse had pointed out to me and looked through the window, staring at the small girl on the bed. She was my best friend but I didn't recognise her. I looked at the two people sitting with her in the room; Chad and Connie. They were talking to each other, neither of them knew what was going on with the girl they loved more than anyone else. But I knew everything, and I couldn't even say anything to them because I didn't want Sonny to hate me.

I slowly open the door and then look at Chad,

"I am going to get some of her stuff." Connie whispered, trying to hide the tears that fell down her face. Chad held onto Sonny's hand as Connie slowly walked out, I noticed how fragile my best friend looked in that hospital bed. I noticed the tube running from her arm and I walked up to it,

"What is this for?" I ask Chad, touching it lightly,

"She needs to get some nutrients back into her body." He looked down and gently smoothed her hair out of her face, smiling down at his girlfriend. I could tell how much he loved her but their relationship wouldn't be able to take much more of this, even Sonny knew that – she had told me so many times before.

"I should have known." Chad muttered,

"What do you mean?" I look up at him and shake my head, I know what he means but I am too scared to admit it,

"Don't you think I have noticed the weight loss?"

"She was on a diet before prom, but then she told me she had stopped." I lied, I knew that Sonny wouldn't want him to know what she was doing. I had to protect her, she was my best friend.

"Why is she in the hospital then?"

"She must have forgotten to drink before exercising." I looked down at the floor, it wasn't a massive lie.

"Would you tell me if something was wrong?" He asked,

"She sleeps over mine a lot, I think I would notice." He nodded and then looked back down at Sonny, I took a deep breath and sat down on the chair next to her bed and grabbed her other hand. Chad kissed her gently on the cheek and then looked up at Tawni,

"I have to go to rehearsal, I will be back soon." I nodded at him, kind of glad that I could have Sonny on my own. Even if she wasn't awake I could speak to her, just so she knows that someone is here,

"I wasn't sure if you wanted him to know. I didn't know what else to say to him, I didn't know what to do." I look at her and wait for her to talk back, she should be awake soon. She couldn't sleep for this long, I jump when the door opens and then looked at my mum as she crept in,

"What happened?" She whispers, looking at the girl she had become so attached to lately.

"Dehydration." I answer back,

"She's going to be okay?" I nod and then look back down at my friend, wondering what was going through her mind when she was sprinting around that circuit. I let another tear fall down my face and onto the bed,

"I told her not to go too fast, I tried to make her slow down." She stood beside me and put her hand on my shoulder,

"It's not your fault Tawni, you didn't know this was going to happen." I bite down on my lip, I should have known though.

"Do you want me to take you home?" I shake my head,

"I will be home later." I mutter, smiling as she kisses me on the forehead before walking out.

"Why Sonny?" I whisper, more tears falling down my face and I look away from her. I stand up, walking over to the other side of the room and looking out of the window.

"I should have known this would happen, I should have stopped you." I stared to pace back and forth as I continued to ramble on,

"Tawni?" I jumped when I heard a groan coming from the bed, running over to her and wrapping my arms around her,

"I was so worried." I cry,

"I am fine." She says, pulling away from me,

"Why are you laying in a hospital bed right now then?" She shook her head,

"I took it too far, sorry." She rolled her eyes, the spite in her voice causing me to take a step back from her, did she blame me?

"Whatever, I tried to stop you but you never listen to me. You always think you know what is best, you always want to be better than me." I sigh and then turn away from her, I don't know why I am so annoyed, I don't even know why she is getting to me. I quickly turn around when I hear a sob coming from behind me,

"Sonny... I am so sorry." I run over to her,

"Why are you sorry?" I turn around towards the voice and notice Zora standing there, I look from Sonny to Zora,

"She was just angry..." Sonny whispers,

"Why are you crying?" Zora asked, walking over to her bed, Sonny just shrugged,

"I am tired." I looked at her and then back down at the floor. I didn't fit in here, she deserved friends and I didn't. She had tried so hard, she had starved herself but I never can. I will never be able to.

"How are you?" Sonny smiled and nodded,

"What's in the tube?"

"Water, sugar..." Zora started in answer to Grady's question,

"Sugar?" Sonny seemed to get even paler,

"But.." I knew what she was thinking and I shook my head, she couldn't afford to get caught right now,

"What?" Nico raised an eyebrow and stepped forward as Sonny tried to calm herself down,

"I want it out.. it hurts." She whimpers, I saw a tear run down her face before she could stop them.

"There is not many calories in sugar." Nico muttered, rolling his eyes as I looked up at him, wondering how he knew. He just stared at Sonny,

"We love you so much, you don't need to worry about things like that." He took her hand in his and smiled,

"I wasn't worried about that." Sonny muttered,

"What are you worried about then?"

"It hurts." She whined,

"I am sure it doesn't Sonny, stop making excuses."

"I need it out of me.. I need it out right now. Help me please, take it out, I can't stand it in me." I looked from Nico to Sonny, not knowing what to say or do.

"I am tired." Sonny sighed, leaning back and closing her eyes before anyone else could say anything, I looked at her and knew that she was really saying 'Can you just get out now? I need to be alone.'

"I will be back tomorrow." She just shook her head,

"I will be out of here by then, I will call for you tomorrow." I nodded and grinned,

"Good! See you then." I hugged her and then followed everyone else out of her room. I nodded at Chad when he was walking towards her room,

"She wants to be alone."

"I am going to say goodnight."

~ .. ~

"How is she?" My mum asked me as I walked into the house,

"She's going to be fine." She nodded and walked to the kitchen,

"Tawni!" I hear her call after me, I roll my eyes and follow her into the kitchen. She nodded towards the dinning room table and smiled,

"I don't know what is going on between you and Sonny but it's going to stop." Her mum said, placing a plate in front of her.

"One of you is in hospital." I looked at it,

"Nothing is going on between us mother, Sonny explained everything to the doctor right in front of me." I remember when the doctor had walked in not long after her mum had left. I remember thinking about how good she was at lying when he asked about her eating patterns. The lies just poured out of her and she was so believable – I almost felll for them.

"She told them that she had gone for a run this morning with me because we had both been trying to get healthy for a charity race we are doing in a few months. She didn't have a drink then because she forgot, and then the circuit was a little too much for her body." I shrugged and looked down at the food in front of me,

"She didn't mean to mum, it was an accident." She seemed to believe me when she nodded and smiled,

"Eat." I nodded,

"She's going to be okay, she's coming over tomorrow and we are going to exercise if she is okay." Mum looked at me shocked,

"You're going to let her?!"

"Well... she asked to and I said only if she is up to it." I looked down at the food again as I started to eat it and then back up at my my mum. She had no idea what I was going to do when I was done eating, she thought I was fine. She didn't even want to know.

"Done!" I said after about ten minutes, grabbing a banana before kissing her on the cheek and running up the stairs. I smiled to myself as I walked up the stairs, she had no idea what I was doing.

I closed and locked the bathroom door and looked around, quickly guzzling down some water and ran to the toilet. Closing the door, I ran the bath as though I was having a wash before sticking my fingers down my throat.

When I was done I looked at myself in the mirror and grimaced at my own reflection. I had puffy, red cheeks and eyes, mascara ran down my face and I was completely pale. I shrugged though,

"At least I will be thin." I mutter to myself, washing my face before walking out of the bathroom. That was the only thing that mattered at the end of the day.

**Being thin. **


	10. Chapter Nine

**Disclaimer: I don't own Sonny With A Chance**

**~ Chapter Nine ~ **

**~ "Have you ever felt like nothing makes sense?" ~ **

Sonny grinned at Tawni when she answered the door,

"You got out!"

"Yeah, they said I was free to go." She smiled when Tawni grabbed her hand and led her into the house,

"Do you feel okay?"

"Yeah, I feel great!" Sonny waved at Tawni's parents and smiled,

"Hey Mr and Mrs Hart." She laughed when Tawni's mum embraced her,

"I think she was worried about you." Tawni smiled,

"I am fine, I was just forgetful." She nodded and then let go of me, looking over at Tawni,

"Do you two want anything to eat?" She asked walking over to the kitchen, Sonny shook her head,

"I just ate at the hospital, maybe later thank you."

"What did you have there?" Tawni's dad raised an eyebrow and looked over at Sonny who didn't miss a beat,

"OJ, toast and an apple." He smiled and then exchanged a look with Mrs Hart as Sonny looked over at Tawni who just shrugged.

"We're going upstairs." I waved at them,

"Wait!" We both turned around, catching the water bottles that Mr Hart threw at us, Sonny laughed loudly before thanking her.

"So how are you really feeling?" Tawni asked as they got upstairs to the family gym, Sonny shrugged,

"Stupid?" Tawni grinned and then jumped onto the bike,

"Do you really think I want to be better than you?" Tawni looked at her and shook her head,

"I didn't mean it like that. Sometimes I just jealous, I wish I could fast and I just can't."

"It's not as good as it seems you know. Sometimes I want to be able to eat without feeling so guilty and disgusting. I want it to be how it used to be but it just won't happen." She sighed,

"Are you saying I have it easy?"

"No! I didn't mean it like that! I now you don't have it easy.. I know that."

"Relax, I was messing." Sonny looked down at the treadmill and smiled a little, trying to run as fast as she could,

"Didn't you learn from yesterday's events?"

"I didn't have this yesterday." Sonny grinned, holding up the bottle of water,

"So true."

"Water is pure.. just like us." Sonny laughed,

"You are what you eat."

"So I will eat nothing." Sonny finished off for her,

"Nothing tastes as good as thin feels." Tawni said as they swapped machines,

"Hunger hurts but starving works."

"Very true." Tawni winked,

"Everytime you say no thank you to food, you say yes please to thin." Sonny smiled,

"Um... It's not deprivation, it's liberation."

"I like that one, an imperfect body reflects an imperfect person."

"Happy or sad, rich or poor, it's always better to be thin."

"Act as though it's impossible to fail."

"Bones are beautiful let them show."

"The difference between want and need is self control." Sonny giggled and stopped exercising for a moment, grabbing her water bottle and a towel.

"It's going to be okay, isn't it Sonny?" Sonny looked at Tawni and smiled as best she could,

"I hope so."

"Me too." Sonny grinned,

"Well that was fun." She linked arms with her as they linked arms and walked over to Tawni's bedroom.

"It was certainly different."

"I enjoyed it." Sonny ran to the bathroom,

"Who's first?" She asked,

"You." Tawni wondered how light she would be this time,

"One hundred and eight." Sonny muttered, shaking her head,

"Wow! That's amazing."

"It's okay I guess." Sonny got off and watched as Tawni stood on the scales, hitting one hundred and fourteen.

"It's going down." She said, looking at Sonny as she lifted her top up and stared into the mirror, looking like she was about to cry.

"Not quick enough though." Sonny whispered,

"But you can't rush perfection Sonny." Sonny nodded in agreement and then looked back at Tawni,

"We will do this together." Tawni assured her as Sonny nodded and grabbed her bag,

"I have to go, we have rehearsal tomorrow, did I miss anything today?"

"I didn't feel like it, too much gossip would have been going on."

"Yeah, maybe Chad set them straight though." Tawni nodded,

"He loves you so much."

"I love him too." She whispered dreamily as she thought about the Hollywood actor she could only have dreamed of getting.

"I will walk you home." Tawni said before getting up to go into the bathroom and get changed, Sonny nodded and looked around her room before pulling up her top again, looking for any bones.

"You know, I can see all of your ribs." Sonny jumped when she heard Tawni behind her, shaking her head,

"I don't see any." She mutters, looking sadly in the mirror, yanking her top down.

"Maybe one day." Sonny looked down and then went to walk out of the bedroom with Tawni.

**~ Sonny ~ **

I left Tawni at studios so she could drop in and see Nico, explain to him why she hadn't been in today. Walking slowly, I thought about how different my life had become since my diet started. Nothing was the same, it would never be the same again. It wasn't fair, it was just meant to be a diet. I wish I had never found out about Tawni, I wish I didn't know about her now. I wish I didn't ask her how to purge. I sighed and looked down at the ground, nothing was normal anymore.

Arriving home I smiled at my mum as she watered her flowers outside,

"Your tea is inside." I nodded at her,

"Thank you." She put her arms around me,

"I just want to make sure you're okay, you are ain't you?" I nodded at her,

"Of course." I walked inside and then looked at the food she had left for me, fatty fries and fatty burgers. I couldn't help it,

"You know what a diet is, don't you?" I said as I walked back outside, I had the plate in my hands,

"It doesn't include.. this." I pointed at the food with my spare hand and then shook my head.

"You just don't get it do you? I don't want all this fatty food anymore. I am on a diet, I need to loose weight. Just try to understand that." I dropped the plate on the floor and stormed back inside the house, slamming my bedroom door, I jumped onto my bed and started to cry. I hated all this. I hated everything. I just wanted to be thin and nobody seemed to understand.

The next day I got up out of bed and looked into the mirror, my usual routine. I quickly got dressed and then took one last look in the mirror before leaving my room.

"Are you going to have any breakfast?"

"I am going to be late."

"I don't care. Sit down and eat something. NOW!" I looked at her, she was red in the face and she looked as though she hadn't slept all night. I sat down and stared at the toast she had put in front of me,

"Did you have to put so much butter on there?" I said as I started to scrape it all off, she shook her head and then took the knife out of my hands,

"Eat it now." I sighed and then looked up at her,

"You just want me to be fat don't you?" She shook her head and then sat down next to me,

"I just want you to eat something."

"But.. it's just s-so many calories. Don't make me." I could feel a tear fall down my face.

"I am sorry. But you ain't leaving this seat until you take one bite." I nodded at her and then grabbed a piece of toast, biting into it, I pretended to chew it and then I smiled at her. I moved the toast in my mouth to the side and then looked up at her,

"Can I go now?" She nodded at me and then kissed me on the forehead. I walked out the house and then spat it out of my mouth, wiping my mouth with my hand, I looked at the food on the floor and shook my head, almost laughing at the thought of eating it. I sighed and then ran off down the road towards the studios.

"Hey how are you feeling?" Chad saw me as I walked into the studios and I smiled at him,

"Great thanks and yourself?" I kissed him on the lips and then he put his arm around my waist. I grinned at him as we walked along, I loved the looks I got from the other girls. They all wanted my boyfriend, but I had him. He loved me and he didn't even look at them twice. He slowly removed his hand from my waist as we carried on walking and then he slipped his hand in mine, I smiled at him and laughed when he had to go to his own rehearsal.

I avoided the looks I got from the other actors. I was told by Chad on the phone last night some people thought I was pregnant, others thought I was on drugs. Out of all the rumours anorexia was not one of them. I obviously wasn't thin enough.

It was lunchtime already and people were finally starting to realize I was fine and that I was not on drugs and nor was I pregnant. I just tried to keep my cool, there was no point getting worked up about it. Tawni was just sitting there next to me, staring at a blank space in front of her. I just shrugged it off, I would ask her later when everyone wasn't around. Grady and Nico pulled out this massive sandwich and I noticed Tawni look up for a second, she looked like she was about to be sick. I just turned away and stood up, after all standing up burns more calories than sitting down.

I looked at Grady and then he looked back up at me,

"What?" He had only just finished eating and I just stared at him, putting my hands around my wrist, just to see if I had lost any weight. My wrist didn't seem to be getting any smaller, bigger if you ask me. I shrugged and then looked down at what was left of her lunch,

"Do you have any idea how many calories you just had?" I looked at her and raised an eyebrow,

"No I don't." The boys looked at me and shook their head, Tawni looked up as well and just looked behind me,

"At least 1000."

"I don't really care to be honest."

"I was just saying." Nico stood up and looked at me and I stared right back, I wasn't going to let him win. I don't care if he doesn't give a crap about calories, he should. He keeps gaining weight and he doesn't even care. He doesn't diet and he hardly exercises, how does he even live with herself?

"Not all of us are self obsessed." He said as he came towards me, I shook my head,

"It's got nothing to do with me being self obsessed. I was just pointing out the obvious."

"No Sonny, the only reason you fainted was because you never eat. Nothing to do with forgetting to drink water. You fainted because you are so vain." Portlyn joined in, seemingly appearing from nowhere

"I cannot be bothered with this anymore. You're so full of yourself, all you think about is yourself. You're just selfish."

"Whatever! At least I care about what I look like." I shook my head,

"I care.. just not overly like you do. Both of you!"

"Don't bring me into this." Tawni muttered, Portlyn just shook her head,

"You're both stupid, selfish cows. I have tried to get past it, I have tried to pretend like nothing is going on but at the end of the day you are both so involved with each other that you can't even see what is going on around you. I don't care about calories or weight, and that makes me normal. Unlike you two." I shook my head and then slapped her as hard as I could across the face "I hate you." Portlyn raised her own hand and slapped me back, Tawni stood up and came in between us.

"Come on Sonny." She grabbed my hand and I grabbed my bag. I stared at them all as we walked past them and they all shook their heads,

"Off you go then, go be sick or whatever it is you do."

Tawni led me past everyone else and into the bathroom, I noticed nobody else was around so I slammed my bag down and looked in the mirror,

"She deserved that." I looked at the slap mark on my face, it was bright red. I looked into my eyes and saw that the tears were threatening to fall and and I shook my head. No Sonny, you are not going to cry, I told myself. I wasn't going to let myself cry this time, no tears will fall from these eyes. Tawni shook her head,

"I know she did but you shouldn't have said anything in the first place." I looked at her,

"I don't even know why I did. It wasn't meant to come out like that.. I don't know. I just wasn't thinking." I shook my head and then turned away from the mirror,

"I hate her."

"No you don't." I shrugged,

"I know I don't but I wish I did."

"It's hard, we have to loose friends sometimes. It had to happen." I nodded and then looked at her,

"I just didn't think it would be this hard. I didn't know this was going to happen. I didn't mean to say anything." I couldn't hold back the tears anymore, I couldn't do this anymore. I let them fall, I told myself it would be the last time I cried in front of anyone, but I knew it would be a lie. I knew I would end up crying in front of someone soon, I just can't keep it all in check sometimes. Tawni walked over to me and wrapped her arms around me, I cried into her shoulder,

"I want to die Tawni," I whispered,

"I can't take this anymore, I can't loose anyone else. Everyone hates me. Even my mum is catching onto me now, even she thinks I am being stupid."

"I don't hate you." She rubbed my back as I carried on crying,

"I can't control it anymore. I just wanted to be in control but I can't even do that. I have nothing."

"You have me." I nodded,

"I know. Thanks." I pulled away from her and wiped my eyes, I was going to be so thin. I looked at myself in the mirror and shook my head. I wasn't good enough yet, but I would be one day. Sighing, I looked at Tawni and tried to smile,

"We need to get to lesson." She nodded,

"At least I am with you this lesson." I said,

"Yeah. Should be fun." I grinned at her,

"Sure." I muttered before walking out with her.

I opened the door to the classroom and blushed when the teacher asked me what was wrong, my eyes were probably still red from before,

"I just didn't feel well. Sorry, I asked Tawni to come with me." She just shook her head,

"No problem. Take your seats please." I walked past Portlyn and Grady, Portlyn just stared at me and shook her head and then she looked towards Grady who just shook his head at her and smiled at me. I tried to smile back, I was surprised he wasn't taking her side

I nodded towards Tawni as we both sat down and she smiled at me.

"Right Class.." I pulled out all my books and started to read them as instructed to do so. I was going to do well in school this year, I had a good feeling about it. And it was all thanks to my new diet. I smiled to myself, and then looked up at Tawni. She grinned at me and then went back to her own books, I did the same as I tried to take in all the information. This was easier than I thought it would be.

I was going to loose people along the way but I was going to gain happiness in the process. Everything was going to be okay in the end. I was going to be thin and clever. Nothing was going to be wrong. I was going to make it through all this. I was going to give my children the life I always wanted. I smiled to myself and shook my head, it was going to be okay.


	11. Chapter Ten

**Disclaimer: See last chapter**

**~ Chapter Ten ~ **

**~ "One more person." ~ **

"Mum.. do you have any idea how many calories is in this one box of cereal?" Sonny looked up at her mum as she sighed,

"No Sonny and I don't care.. you're going to eat it."

"Yeah but still." She muttered, pouring the cereal into her bowl making sure she only had about ten grams, there was too much fat and calories in it to have anymore than that.

"Put more in your bowl." She looked up,

"I don't need anymore than that though."

"Well I think you do."

"You're not me, so what do you know?" Connie just stared at her daughter until Sonny sighed and put more in her bowl, being very careful with the milk.

"Done." Sonny finally said, putting down her spoon when all the cereal was gone, Connie looked into the bowl and frowned,

"Don't want any milk?" She pointed to the milk that had been leftover in the bowl,

"Don't like it."

"You don't like anything." Connie muttered as she looked down at her toast, Sonny sighed and shook her head,

"I ate it, didn't I?"

"I guess." Sonny nodded, making her way to her bedroom,

"I am going to get changed." She smiled, running to grab everything before going into the bathroom. She locked the door and looked around, she would just think she was having a shower or something, how wrong could her mother be?

Sighing, she turned on the shower, taking one look in the mirror before bending down and doing what Tawni had taught her so long ago.

When she was sure she got everything up, she wiped her mouth and hands as she looked in the mirror. She knew how horrible she looked, but at least she was getting thin. She sighed, quickly brushing her teeth and grabbing the hairbrush, not looking away from her reflection as she gently brushed her long, straight hair. She gasped when she noticed the huge clump of hair that had just fallen out, almost crying as she looked at it and shook her head. It wasn't supposed to happen like this, she didn't want her hair to fall out. She couldn't remember a time when she was just 'normal', when did this diet become her whole life?

She wondered if Tawni's hair fell out as well, or if it was just her. It hadn't been the first time, she thought about asking Tawni what she thought about it, she usually knew about stuff like this, she was the only one who would help Sonny through all of this. Shaking her head at her own reflection, she quickly got dressed and walked out of the bathroom.

"I am going to the studios now mum."

"Okay then, your dad just text me by the way. He wanted to know if you would like to go up there for a month during your term break." Sonny thought about it for a moment, thinking about how good it would be to show her dad all her control and how perfect she was going to be. She nodded quickly and smiled,

"I will phone him later." She shouted back at her mum as she ran out of the house, grinning as she walked to the studios. He was going to be so proud of her.

"Hey!" Sonny ran up to Tawni as they walked to their dressing room, beaming as they wrapped their arms around each other.

"I told Nico..." She whispered, dragging Sonny into their dressing room as she smiled,

"Told him what?"

"About what I do..." Sonny looked at the girl, feeling shocked and betrayed.. it was supposed to be their secret.

"What did he say?" She shrugged and looked in the mirror,

"He said I didn't have to do that, he loved me the way I am and you know.. the usual." Sonny nodded, sighing as she quickly looked at herself in the mirror before putting on her costume for the day.

"Why did you tell him?"

"It all just came out, he asked me why I was upset and I just had to tell someone else.. you understand, don't you?"

"Yeah I guess, but I just thought it was our secret." Sonny shook her head and turned away from the mirror, she couldn't even stand to look at herself.

"It is, I didn't tell him everything. I told him that I could control it and that I would stop. It's going to be okay, it's our secret." Sonny nodded,

"Let's go then." Sonny muttered, thinking about how she would tell someone, she didn't want help though, people would want to tell others and then everything would be ruined. She sighed when she realized she was all alone in this, even if Tawni did know about her.

It had been three weeks since Portlyn and Sonny had argued, and they still hadn't spoken at all. Sonny groaned when she looked at her when they got to class, she shook her head and put her head in her hands and looked down at the book, trying to not look up again. She didn't want to argue but she didn't want friend either. She was fine on her own as long as she had Chad.

"Sonny?" Mrs Bitterman called out to the girl, Sonny didn't want any attention, she didn't want to answer her stupid questions.

"Will you come and do this sum on the board?" Sonny nodded and looked down at the floor as she walked up, she could hear some people whispering about her as she got to the board,

"_Look at her - skin and bone."_

"What a mess."  


"_What does Chad even see in her?" _

She tried her best to ignore them as she wrote on the board, telling herself that she wasn't skin and bones, she was fat and bones somewhere hidden underneath all of that. She wrote down the answer before walking back to her seat,

"Well done." She tried her best to smile at Mrs Bitterman but failed badly and sat down quickly. She kept her head down, listening to everyone as they whispered stuff about her. They all knew... they were all onto her, she thought, they were going to catch her and ruin everything. She felt a tear roll down her cheek as she tried to hide it from everyone,

"Miss? Can I take Sonny out for a second please?" Portlyn asked, ignoring Sonny when she shook her head as she took her hand in hers and pulled her outside. Sonny refused to lift her head up, she couldn't stand people watching her. She couldn't handle it.

"What's going on?"

"What do you care?" Sonny muttered, looking up when they finally got outside the small classroom, knowing people were in there right now spreading all sorts of stuff about her.,

"I care Sonny, I am sorry about before, I just miss the old you..."

"So do I." Sonny whispered,

"I know you have an Eating Disorder." Portlyn sighed,

"No I don't, I am fine." She replied, closing her eyes when Portlyn wrapped her arms around her, refusing to break down and cry right there and then. She didn't want anyone to know how much she was hurting inside.

"I am fine." Sonny repeated, but she shook her head,

"I can feel all of your bones, Chad is worried about you." Sonny pulled away quickly and wrapped her arms around herself,

"Sorry for hitting you." She whispered, trying to change the subject,

"I am sorry for hitting you too." Portlyn laughed a little and smiled,

"Friends?" Sonny regretted it the moment she said it, it was just one more person who was going to get involved in all of this, one more person who was going to be hurt, one more person who was going to try and make her eat. One more person to hold her and let her know everything was going to be okay when she knew it would never be okay again...

**One more person to care. **


	12. Chapter Eleven

**Disclaimer: See last chapter**

**~ Chapter Eleven ~ **

**~ "I opened my eyes to see that I was all alone. ~ **

Tawni groaned when she woke up that morning, Sonny was going away for most of their time off which only meant that she was going to be all alone. She looked around her bedroom until her eyes settled on a poster she had on her wall, the girl on there was so thin and perfect. Tawni wished she could look like her, she wished that she could have the willpower to look like that.

She got out of bed and looked at herself in the mirror, running to the bathroom to weigh herself. She looked down at the numbers, crying out in anger as she had done so many days before. If she was Sonny she would have lost ten pounds or more by now. She was the one who could go for days and days without food or drink, the one who would exercise on nothing and the one who would enjoy the feeling of hunger. Tawni was the one who couldn't stand feeling hungry, but who also couldn't stand eating. She was the one who made herself sick after every bit of food she put into her mouth.

They were different in so many ways, sometimes Tawni envied Sonny but then she thought about all the pain she must be going through, the hunger pain and how it must feel to not actually be able to eat a thing. She wondered what it would feel like to be anorexic, even for one day. Maybe Sonny wanted to know what it was like to be bulimic, even though she does purge when she does eat.

She shook her head for a moment and then sighed when her mum called her down for something to eat. It was going to be harder to hide now that it was a few months off work, it was going to be harder to go the whole day with no food and the nights with binging. Everything was going to be broken, her routine was ruined.

Tawni ran down the stairs, kissing her mother on the cheek as she sat down,

"How is your first day of summer?" She beamed as she placed pancakes in front of her daughter, not noticing the look on Tawni's face as she tried to calculate the amount of calories in just one of them.

"I don't feel well." She finally muttered, closing her eyes, trying to act like she was going to be sick. Her mother wrapped an arm around her shaking daughter and and placing her hand on her forehead,

"You have a small fever, maybe you should go rest?" Tawni nodded and slowly walked up the stairs, falling onto her bed as she tried her best not to cry, closing her eyes and trying to focus on something else.

She looked at her clock, realizing she had fallen asleep because it was afternoon already. Slowly, she got up and walked into her bathroom to run a bath, she looked in the mirror and groaned, she looked terrible. Her eyes were bright red, having gone from a light blue **(A/N: I have no idea what colour her eyes are in real life, I took a guess.) **to a dark grey and her skin had noticeably paled. She noticed a few spots that hadn't been there yesterday and sighed, she had hoped she would never get this bad. She didn't want to suffer like this, she hadn't wanted to die.

Everything was just getting harder and harder, everyday was more of a struggle than the day before. She was stuck in this thing she called a life, only she hardly called this a life anymore, it felt more like she was just stuck in this place just focused on one goal that seemed impossible these days. She thought she was no one, she didn't have anything. She was just trapped and she couldn't do anything about it. She didn't want to die but she didn't want to live either. She had no idea what she wanted, she didn't know who she was and who she wanted to be.

Tawni had never wanted any of this to happen, she didn't want to be defined by her eating disorder but she didn't want to recover from it either. She was kind of proud of her bulimia, it was this thing that was inside of her and every time she even thinks about getting rid of it then it will punish her. It was as though it was another person who had already planned out Tawni's life, even if Tawni didn't like it.

Tawni thought about how hard it was being her, she didn't even know who she was anymore, she doesn't know what she wants in his life. She was ruled by this invisible person, who she didn't even know. This girl would tell her what to do and how to live her own life and Tawni knew she had no choice but to listen. She had no choice but to let her win and she didn't know how she could control this thing. She didn't know if she even wanted to.

"The idea of getting better scares me,

I feel defined by my disorders.

And in a way, I am proud of them,

they are a part of me.

They are who I am and I can't change that,

even if I wish I could.


	13. Chapter Twelve

**Disclaimer: See last chapter**

**~ Chapter Twelve ~**

~ "I am never good enough for you." ~  


Sonny got off the plane and breathed in the new air, she smiled to herself. She hated flying sometimes, people watching you while you do stuff, always asking if you want anything to eat. She smiled a little and then shook her head, looking around for her dad, finally spotting him.

"Wow! You have lost so much weight darling, I might need to fatten you up!" He grinned, wrapping his arms and biting down on his lip in concern when he could feel all of her bones. Sonny laughed and shook her head,

"No! I like it, it's a whole new me." He nodded,

"You have changed a lot from when I last saw you all those months ago." Sonny nodded and then looked at the floor as they both walked. She saw how excited her dad was about this visit, only making her think that she was doing something right after all.

"I brought my report card." Sonny blushed as they got into the car that was waiting for them outside, shyly handing it to her dad, beaming when she was the pride on his face.

"All A's! Well done my clever little girl." He laughed when he ruffled her hair and kissed her on the cheek. Sonny grinned when she thought about how she had finally done it; she had finally impressed him and made him proud of her. It had worked.

~ .. ~

"Are you ready for tea?" Jane poked her head into Sonny's bedroom door later that week, smiling in relief when Sonny nodded and shut down her laptop. She sighed when she thought about all those meals that her father prepared for her in the past week. Every single one of them were fatty and whenever she even mentioned the amount of calories or fat she would just get these knowing looks from her father and her annoying stepmother, and her father would always say -

"You don't need to worry about silly, little things like that, just eat it." Sonny suspected that her mother had said something to him, he probably knew that she didn't eat much which was why he seemed to be on her back all the time. Sonny knew that she was the reason they were having family meals for every single meal since she had been there, she was the reason Jane and her father was arguing the other day about how they have never had family meals. Sonny didn't want to be the cause of arguments, she didn't want their stupid food.

She walked into the dinning room and smiled at everyone, they were all sitting down and waiting for her at the table like they always were.

She watches them shovel the food in their mouths, she thought about how they didn't even care what was going into them. She looked at them all confused like she always did, still trying to figure out how they couldn't care about it. How could they not be counting all those calories that were going into their bulging stomachs? How do they cope?

She sighed and thought about how she could get out of this as she put her hand on her own stomach and thought about how much fat was going to build up on there if she carried on eating. She decided that she was going to be ill halfway through and then purge everything else up. It was going to be okay, she could do this for another three weeks, she could last this long.

She looked down at the food in front of her, counting the calories in her head. She picked up a tiny bit on her fork and chewed it thirty times just to make sure it would come up easier. She makes sure she takes a sip of water after every single bite – it's just the way things are for her. It's the way she has to be.

She can see Jane watching her as she eats, she hates it when people watch her. She wonders if the girl was counting the amount of fat and calories that Sonny was putting into her body right now. She thought about Jane and everyone else just wanting her to be fat.

Sonny put down her fork halfway through and looks up at her dad,

"I don't feel too good." She mutters, putting her hand on her stomach,

"You said that the other day, and the day before that." Sonny just shrugged,

"It's the truth though." He just shrugged and put his own fork down when he finished,

"I am sure you can manage the rest of it."

"I feel sick."

"I don't care, your mother warned me about this, I am not having you do this to yourself while you are under my roof." Sonny quickly got up, glaring at her dad and pulling her arm away when Sandy grabbed it,

"You have to be excused first." Sonny rolled her eyes and sighed,

"May I be excused father?"

"No you may not. Sit down and eat your food."

"Are you going to make me?" Sonny smirked and folded her arms over her chest.

"You can't make me do anything, you don't own me." She pushed back from the table and heard the chair drop as she ran up the stairs and locking the door to her bedroom before running into the joining bathroom. She had to get rid of it all, she had to make sure she didn't get fatter.

When she was done she just sat on the floor and curled up into a tight ball. She couldn't take much more of this anymore, she couldn't do it. She started to cry as she thought about how hard everything was lately, how she couldn't even sit through a simple family meal and how she couldn't stop thinking about calories and weight all the time.

She laughed bitterly when she thought about how she was getting on her own nerves, she had no idea how everyone else felt. But she knew she was better off alone anyway, she thought about how she didn't deserve anyone, she just wanted to be left on her own.

She cried even harder when she thought about how happy she had been before all of this, she had been leaving her dream and she had an amazing boyfriend and best friends. She cried because she had ruined it all. She was just bringing everyone down with her and she didn't mean to, she didn't want to.

She knew that if she was all alone, when she died then nobody would care and nobody would be hurt. They wouldn't be able to blame her.

She was dead in her mine,

cold to the bone,

and when she opens her eyes, she hopes she's all alone.


	14. Chapter Thirteen

**Disclaimer: See last chapter**

**~ "I can't escape myself." ~ **

Sonny was going to be back soon, Tawni had been worried because she hadn't spoken to her at all in the past three weeks. Sonny had been online for the first week but then something must have happened because after that first week she hadn't replied to any messages or calls. Tawni wondered what was going on with her, not knowing if she was worrying too much and Sonny was just having too good a time with her dad.

She sighed as she got out of bed, she had missed her best friend for the past month. She took one look in the mirror, trying to not linger for too long. She was trying to break out of the morning routine for a little while, just to see how it felt. She made her way down the stairs and smiled at her parents as she walked into the kitchen,

"You feeling better this week?" Tawni nodded at her mum, starting to make herself some cereal. Her holidays had been hard so far, she went from pretending to be ill to actually being ill – her plan had backfired.

"Sonny is coming back soon." Tawni said to her mum as she sat down,

"That's good."

"I hope she had a good time there, she hasn't been online or anything for three weeks." She shrugged and then looked down at her bowl,

"It must be hard for her.. never seeing her dad." Tawni heaved a deep sigh,

"Yeah, you're lucky that your dad is always here." Tawni laughed and nodded,

"Can she sleep over for a few nights when she settles back home?"

"Sure." Tawni grinned and then got up,

"I am going to get dresses, I might go swimming or something."

"You're okay, ain't you?"

"Yes thank you mum." She ran up the stairs and into her bedroom, she stepped onto the scales and grinned, she was down another seven pounds which left her at one hundred and five pounds. She was getting there.

Tawni wondered how Sonny had been doing lately, knowing the girl was probably into double figures by now. She knew she would be so jealous when Sonny got back, she sighed and brushed her teeth as she thought about it.

She hadn't purged much lately but thanks to her being ill she hadn't been able to eat much. She thought back to the other day when she had coughed up blood, the whole thing had scared her so much she promised herself that she was going to do her best to stop purging for a little while.

She heaved a deep sigh as she sat back down on her bed, wondering if Sonny was okay. She was coming home in three days and Tawni knew that the month could have gone one of two ways – amazing or horrible. She hoped it had been amazing, she knew for a fact Sonny couldn't take anymore pain in her life. She shook her head at the thought, the second one would explain why she hadn't returned her calls or anything for a while.

She knew that Sonny would tell her everything when she got back, but she couldn't help but wonder all about it. Sonny was her best friend and they only had two weeks of the holiday left until they had to go back to filming.

Tawni grabbed the food under her bed, stuffing it into her mouth. She thought about what Sonny would say about her right now, what she would be thinking of her. She could imagine the girl tutting and shaking her head and then laughed at her when she swallowed all of those calories. Tawni would do the same when Sonny would eat – something she hardly ever got the chance to do. It was nothing horrible, just something they both did.

Tawni bit down her lip as she thought about how terrified Sonny looked whenever anything passed her lips, whereas when Tawni had first met her Sonny would just pop something in her mouth without another thought.

Sonny had laughed when she told Tawni how happy she looked when she ate something, the fear only crossing her face when she swallowed it and the impact of the fact she had just ate had hit her.

Tawni smiled when she was done binging and ran into her bathroom to purge. She wiped her mouth when she was done and sat down for a while, staring into space. She didn't where the old Sonny had gone, the one who would make everyone laugh but she had no idea where the old her had gone either. They were both lost in this world, both of them just had to find their place again.


	15. Chapter Fourteen

**Disclaimer: See last chapter**

**~ "I have changed, get used to it." ~ **

Sonny sat in her room and stared at the blank wall in front of her. She wanted to go back home, she didn't want to be at her dad's anymore. But he wouldn't let her leave, he didn't want her out of his sight. She bit down on her lip, she was sixteen she should be able to leave when she wants to.

Sonny sighed, she hated him. She looked down at her arms and felt warm tears run down her face as she traced some of the scars she had made on her arm, it was all his fault she had done it. He didn't care though, he blamed her mother, but Sonny knew that she didn't do it when she was with her.

She closes her eyes as she sits there on her bed, nibbling on her lower lip a little as she keeps repeating to herself that it's only thee more days.

"Sonny?" She turned around to face Jane, the perfect daughter. Sonny looked down and closed her eyes again,

"What?" She mutters,

"Daddy said can you come down for lunch now?"

"I don't eat lunch." Sonny said, standing up and walking to the other side of the room,

"Please..." Jane looked like she was going to cry but Sonny shook her head, why should she care? She didn't even known the girl that was no sat on her bed,

"Why should I?" She sighed and shook her head again when the girl didn't answer,

"Just get out of here."

"Daddy said now."

"Daddy said this, daddy said that. I don't care what dad said little girl, go away!" Sonny screamed, pushing the girl out of her bedroom and slamming the door as she slid against the closed door and curled up into a tight ball, she couldn't take much more of it, she couldn't do it for much longer. She didn't want her stupid lunch or her tea. She just wanted to go home to be with her friends, her mum and her boyfriend. She hated being there, she didn't belong there.

Sonny thought about the past three weeks, she had though it would be amazing, she thought her dad would be proud of her but everyone was just jealous of all her control. She was made to sit down at the table three times a day and eat three full meals, her father would call her from her bedroom another three times for snacks. More tears fell down her face, they wanted her to be fat.

She remembered back to the first time she went away from the dinner table, her dad had come into her bedroom and smiled at her, sitting her down and going on about eating disorders. He had begged her to go see a doctor but Sonny screamed at him, telling him she would rather die and that they would laugh at her because she was too fat.

He just kept going on and on at her about how she was going to phone Connie and saying about how much trouble Sonny was going to get in. But Connie already knew about the diet, she already knew that Sonny had some 'minor' problems. She knew all of that and she didn't need to hear it from the man who only decides to be her dad after sixteen years.

Sonny shook her head and dug her nails into her skin, she hated that man so much. He had left her and her mum alone and made this whole new life for himself, a whole new family and only now does he chose to be a part of Sonny's life. She found herself wondering why he couldn't just tell her that he didn't love her and get it over with.

When she had finally calmed down she looked down at her phone – ten missed calls from Tawni. Sonny sighed and chucked her phone on her bed and got up off the floor, she wiped away the tears that had made tracks down her cheeks and sat on her bed to stare at the blank wall in front of her again.

"Home soon." She whispered to herself over and over again, it was all she could think about. She wanted to go home and never come back to this house, she shook her head and lay down, closing her eyes. She thought about Chad, she missed him so much. She wanted him to hold her and tell her that everything was going to be okay. She wanted to tell him everything and let him know that she wanted to be better again. She wanted to tell him that she wanted to be able to smile again and he would understand it all. He would still love her, even with her flaws.

She smiled as she thought about it, he would hold her and kiss her and tell her that he understood. He was going to help her through all of it when she was ready, she knew he would. She just wanted to let him know, he deserved the truth.

"I love you so much Chad Dylan Cooper." She whispered as she fell asleep.


	16. Chapter Fifteen

**Disclaimer: See last chapter**

**~ "How can I save you when I can't even save myself?" ~ **

"Good morning!" Tawni ran down the stairs and grabbed an apple as she grinned at her parents, they looked at her strangely before her dad shook his head and smiled a little and her mum laughed,

"You're in a good mood."

"Sonny is coming home today."

"Oh, I should have guessed, what are you going to do?"

"I will call over hers later, her plane hasn't taken off yet, I checked on the internet this morning." Tawni was smiling like mad, she finally had someone to exercise with and someone to hang out with. She couldn't wait to show Sonny her weight loss, she couldn't wait to show her all of her control. She wondered how much Sonny had lost.

She looked in her mirror in her bedroom and sighed,

"Just a few more pounds." She sighed to herself, thinking about double figures. She would be able to shout out about all the control she had and how hard she had tried.

She sighed a few hours later as she realized that Sonny should be home by now and she still hadn't messaged her or rang her back. She looked in the mirror once more and smiled, running down the stairs when she heard her mum call.

"Yes?" She looked at her and then at the girl standing next to her mum, hardly recognizing her. Tawni looked her up and down and then shook her head in shock,

"Sonny?" She knew that Sonny would have lost weight but she didn't know it was going to be this much, she felt like she was going to cry, she envied Sonny so much but at the same time she was scared.

Tawni looked at her mum and saw the fear in the woman's eyes, she knew something... she was catching on,

"Do you want something to eat?" Her mum finally said, breaking the silence. Sonny looked down at her feet and shook her head,

"No thank you." She whispered, Tawni could see the worry on her mum's face and she shook her head,

"Maybe later." She walked up to Sonny and put her arms around the shaking girl,

"What happened?" Sonny shook her head and Tawni bit down her lip in worry as she felt her shaking in her arms, not sure if it was because of the weight loss or because Sonny was scared of something. Tawni knew that she was about to cry, that she wanted to be alone with Tawni. She nodded at her mum and grabbed Sonny's hand, leading her up the stairs. She wondered what her parents were saying about Sonny right now, she wondered if they suspected anything about her.

When they got up to her bedroom she shut the door, watching as Sonny struggled to walk on her own over to the bed. She saw how Sonny avoided the mirror and shook her head. She had changed so much in such a short period of time.

Tawni took in the girl's appearance, her usual shiny, brown hair was tied back into a loose ponytail, her fringe had been pulled back with a headband and she had no make-up on at all. She was completely pale and she had some light spots on her face. Tawni frowned at the sight, her usual perfect skin was being ruined by something Tawni had introduced her to.

Sonny was shaking but Tawni could tell that she was wearing about four layers of clothing, on the top layer she was wearing a baggy pair of jogging bottoms and a large jumper that was probably keeping her tiny body warm and to hide her thin frame. Tawni was shocked when she had seen her, before she left she was thin but now she was.... skeletal. It was the first word that came to mind when she had seen her, the only word that came to mind. She looked like a ghost and her heavily protruding cheekbones had scared Tawni but Sonny's eyes scared her the most. They had been a chocolate brown before but now they were... nothing. There was no life in them anymore, it was as though the colour had gone out of her world and she didn't want to live anymore.

Tawni looked away for a moment as she tried to hold back her tears, deciding to walk over to her and sat next to Sonny. She grabbed her hand and tried her best to smile at her best friend who was just looking at the floor, avoiding any eye contact.

"What happened?" Tawni repeated now that they were alone, Sonny looked up at Tawni and then back down,

"I don't know."

"Yes you do, what did your dad do?" She could feel her already shaking hand start to shake even more – if that was possible.

"He hates me." She whispered, Tawni was taken back for a moment, the confident girl now sounded like a little girl and she couldn't believe that just one month had done this to someone who had been so strong.

"No he doesn't, do you want to tell me about it?"

"I-I tried to keep it a secret, I did. But he kept going on and on about it and I couldn't keep it up, it was too much effort."

"He knows?"

"He wanted to take me to a doctor but I wouldn't let him. I locked myself in my bedroom and hit out in the bathroom for days." She muttered,

"I didn't want to go Tawni, I didn't want some man looking at my hideous body and telling me that I was too fat to be diagnosed with an eating disorder. I couldn't go through that." Tawni shook her head and put her arm around her when she saw the tears running down the girl's face.

"He wouldn't have said that." She could feel all her bones when she tried to rub her back, and she gulped, she had to hold back the tears that she knew were going to fall down her face – she wanted to be strong.

"How much do you weigh now?" She asked as she pulled away and wiped at her eyes,

"I don't know, I wasn't allowed to weigh." Tawni could hear the resentment in her voice, wondering how the man Sonny had wanted to impress so much had turned out to be her enemy in one visit. Tawni looked at her and then took her hand, needing to know how far Sonny had taken this, she led her into the bathroom and stopped at the scales.

Sonny looked down at them and shook her head,

"I'm too scared." She whispered, tears running down her face again,

"Don't worry, it will be fine." Tawni was scared as well, Sonny looked so thin and ill, she knew that she would be in doubles by now. Sonny took a deep breath and closed her eyes as she stepped onto the scales, Tawni did the same, she didn't want her best friend to be ill, she didn't want her to die. She could feel tears about to fall from her eyes so she turned away before Sonny could see them, she didn't want this to happen.

"78lbs." Sonny finally whispered, Tawni held in a gasp as she looked at her and shook her head,

"Sonny! That's almost two stone in one month!"

"I wanted to make him happy, I wanted him to love me but all I did was make him hate me." She looked down at the floor and then walked out of the bathroom, Tawni realized how much she was struggling to just walk, still trying to get over the shock and also trying to figure out how she had lost two stone in one month. Tawni followed her out and sighed when she found her looking in the mirror, staring at herself in disgust,

"You're not fat." She hopelessly muttered, she knew whatever she said would do no good.

"I am too fat for him, he wanted me to get fatter there so he could laugh in my face and tell me how much of a failure I was. He wanted me to know that I am nothing compared to his Janey." She shook her head and turned away from the mirror quickly,

"I hated it there, I wanted to come home after the first week but he wouldn't let me. I did stuff there that I don't want to do again but I am so scared that I am going to." She bit down on her lip and turned away from Tawni to look out of the window on the other side of the room.

"What did you do?" Tawni sat down and tried to imagine what Sonny could have done, her suspicions confirmed when Sonny rolled up her sleeves,

"He just kept going on and on at me about what a let down I am and how I was a bad influence on perfect Jane. He was constantly shouting at me to eat, going on about how easy it would be. I didn't mean to, I don't even remember doing it Tawni, I just remembered being scared and angry. I missed you and Chad and I didn't know what to do." Tawni could tell that she was ashamed and she tried her best to smile at her as she rolled down her sleeves,

"Hopefully they won't scar, it won't look good on TV." Sonny murmured,

"They might not, it's going to be okay now, everything is going to be normal in no time. You don't have to go back there if you don't want to, he can't make you get back on that plane." Sonny nodded slowly and Tawni put her hand on tops of hers, wrapping her arm around her shoulders, she could feel how bony she had gotten in such a little amount of time and she had no idea what to do about it. And the worst thing was all she could think about was how much she would love to be that much in control.

She didn't know how she could help Sonny, she couldn't even help herself. She didn't know how to help either of them, she didn't know what to do.


	17. Chapter Sixteen

**Disclaimer: See last chapter**

**~ "My days are measured in calories." ~ **

**~ Sonny ~ **

I wake up early every single day now, I do the same thing all the time. I wake up and run to the mirror, weigh myself and then do some crunches, then some squats and then I go for a run, weighing again when I get back. It's a routine, it's my routine. I don't know when it started but it's the way things are now.

I get out of bed quickly, just so I can get dressed before the cold settles in. I was always cold, I live in one of the hottest places ever and I am constantly cold. I laugh at the thought and then wonder how I would cope back home.

Shaking my head I quickly look in the mirror, sighing at all of the fat I can see. I hate the stupid mirror sometimes, it doesn't lie ad it hurts to know I look like that. I wish it would lie. It seems to matter how much the scales go down, I always get fatter. I quickly get dressed and then run to the scales; only one pound change. I don't eat and all I get is minor weight loss, how is that fair?

I wonder where all the normality in my life went, when did it go away? I missed it in a way, I didn't miss being fat but I missed having a life. Now it was all about calories and fat, weight and sizes. Nothing was right anymore, no matter what I did. I looked around my room, checking that everything was in order before leaving and then I silently opened my bedroom door. I looked around to make sure mum wasn't there to stop me from going for a run. I was going to meet Tawni at the beach in about ten minutes, she was the only friend I had left. I still had Chad but I hadn't seen him much recently, he looked disgusted when he saw me a week ago, when I had come back from dad's. I sighed at the thought and then ran faster, not wanting to be late.

I laughed at her when we met in the middle of the beach, we stopped for a moment before starting to run again, this was the most normality I got in one day. Most of the time I was locked in my bedroom because mum didn't let me out of the house, she assumed that I was safer in my bedroom.

"Here we go." Tawni handed me some water and I smiled at her,

"Thank you." I took a sip and handed it back to her,

"Water is so pure." She said randomly, I smiled at her and nodded,

"Like us." She finished, still smiling,

"Sure." I sat there for a little while, feeling numb and out of breath. Each day I felt weaker and weaker but every day I had to fit more and more in. I couldn't sit down all day, I couldn't let myself get fat. I looked at Tawni, she had caught her breath back already and was probably ready to go. I got up and started to stretch out a little,

"Isn't that Nico?" Tawni nodded towards a person standing on the other side of the beach, too far away to hear us but close enough to see who we are. I shrugged,

"Maybe." I hadn't seen him or anyone else since we had broken up for a break, I didn't plan on doing so either. I quickly ran off in the opposite direction from where was stood and Tawni followed,

"I wonder what he was doing?"

"Probably going for a swim or something."

"Oh! That reminds me, instead of going for a run tomorrow morning, do you want to go for a swim?" I nodded,

"Good idea." I smiled at her, we had to go our separate ways. Tawni's parents didn't mind her going out and going for runs, but they would go mad if they knew she was going with me because I was so 'underweight'. My mum says the same, she would go mad if she knew I was even out of the house, let alone going for a run. I sighed at the ruins of my life and waved at Emma when she turned to go to her house.

I wonder when my life became like this, I remember being normal and being able to eat and not worry about it. I remember a time when I hated exercise and loved lying in. Now it was all I lived for, the freedom I got when I was exercising made me feel alive which was different for me. Most of the time I felt dead, I felt like I was stuck in this body for the rest of my life but I wasn't supposed to be here, I don't even want to be here anymore.

It was different sometimes like when I was with Tawni, it was fun but then again it was never normal. I can't help but think that the only reason she is my best friend is because of our eating disorder and maybe if I did recover then she wouldn't want to be my friend anymore. And then I would have nobody, Chad didn't even call me or text me anymore, I haven't heard from him in so long and I have no idea what to do about it. Maybe he found someone else, I wouldn't blame him if he had.

I sighed and then stopped running when I felt my side hurting, I started to walk slowly – trying to think past the pain and think of other things. But then again, pain doesn't hurt when it is all you have ever felt. It was as though I had just been put on this earth to be in pain and I don't know how I can deal with that.

I finally got to my house and walked in, not even caring if my mum saw me, I had gone for the run now, it's not as if she could do anything about it. Sure enough she was sitting there at the dining table waiting for me. I looked at her and tried to walk past her but she grabbed my arm and stood up,

"Where have you been?"

"For a walk."

"Don't lie to me."

"I ain't." She just shook her head and then nodded towards the seat on the other side of the table,

"I am not eating." I said simply,

"I don't care, you are going to sit there now." I sat there and stared at the toast in front of me, I didn't want it. I looked at the amount of butter she had smothered on there,

"Do you want me to be fat again?" I looked up at her and shook my head, I couldn't believe this, everyone just wanted me to get fatter. I try so hard and everyone just hates me for it.

"You have never been fat, just eat it please baby." I just sat there and stared at her,

"You're going to the doctors later."

"No!" I slammed down the cup I had been holding and watched as the water spilt all over me, I shook my head and ran out of there and locked myself in the bathroom as tears ran heavily down my face.

"Sonny get out of there now!" She sounded so angry, I didn't mean to make her angry, I didn't mean to let her down. I sigh and felt more tears fall down my face but I hastily wiped them away. I was going to let myself cry anymore, it was a sign of weakness and I wasn't weak.

"In a minute mum." I shouted out and looked in the mirror, I flushed the toilet as though I had just gone and then opened the door,

"Chill out." I said casually and sat back down at the table when she instructed me to do so. I looked down at the plate and then back up at her,

"I ain't going."

"Yes you are." I sighed and then pushed the plate away,

"Make me." I challenged her, she just shook her head,

"You're going." She could be so stubborn sometimes, I hated her so much. I got up from the table and tried to smile at her,

"I would love to see you make me." She grabbed my hand and stood up,

"We are going now." I shook my head,

"No way." I tried to pull out of her grip but I was too weak and she was too strong, I had no chance of getting out of this one. I screamed and kicked and punched but she stood still, never letting go.

"Fine, just let me go get something from my bedroom, okay?"

"Hurry." I nodded and then ran into my room to grab the weight I had bought ages ago. I could hide them in my underwear again, Tawni had told me to do it once if they ever weighed me at the doctors. I was glad I had listened to her. This was going to be fine, they were going to tell me I was too fat and then I would be able to come back home and everything would be okay. Then mum would have to leave me alone.

I nodded at my mum as I walked out of my room and she sighed,

"Come on baby." I rolled my eyes as I followed her, the doctors wasn't too far from her house and we had to walk because her car had broken down the other day. I didn't want her to know I was too weak so I tried my best to keep at the same pace as her, not letting her know how hard every single step was for me.

~ .. ~

"Sonny Munroe please." I sighed when I heard my name being called, I had been waiting for half an hour already and I was kind of hoping mum would get too annoyed and we would have to go home. Mum grabbed my arm as she stood up and took me with her, I shook her off and followed her as she walked into a door.

I stared at the woman behind the desk – the one who was going to weigh me. The one who was going to expose my secret if I wasn't careful. I looked at her and then around the room as mum led me to a seat and sat down on the one next to it. I refused to make eye contact with either of them and instead focused on the room, wondering what it would be like to be a doctor, running through the check it out girls sketch in my head.

"She won't eat." I could hear mum mutter, I wasn't really listening, I had no idea what either of them had said before that – if they had said anything. I didn't even care, if they wanted to speak to me like I wasn't here then it was fine with me. I wish I was as invisible as they were making me feel, I would love to just fade away right now.

"Sonny?" I heard her talk to me and then looked over at her,

"Hmm?"

"Would you like to go through your normal diet with me?" I nodded and then thought about what would be considered a normal diet.

"I have cereal for breakfast and then some salad for lunch and then whatever mum cooks me for tea." I looked at mum hoping she would go along with the lie but she shake of her head told me that she wouldn't. I sighed and then she opened her mouth, just great.

"You haven't had anything at home in ages."

"And?" I shrugged,

"How about you stop lying?" She sounded so annoyed but I could hear the hurt in her voice as she shouted at me,

"Why?"

"I just want to know if you're eating okay." The doctor said, I nodded,

"I am eating fine."

"Okay then, I am going to ask your mum to leave the room and I would like you to get changed into one of those gowns." I nodded and then stood up,

"Can I check your pockets first?" She stood up and I shook my head, my weights were in there, I was going to put them in my underwear in the minute.

"Why?" I tried to laugh and I took a step back,

"We have had too many girls come in here lately and place weights in their underwear to hide their actual weight. I just want to make sure that you haven't done the same." I could feel the tears pour down my face, I was going to be put away, everyone was going to find out and all my control was going to be broken.

"I don't have anything." I whispered weakly, ignoring the look on my mum's face. She shook her head,

"Let me check or I will have to watch you get changed, either way I find out." I sighed and let her check my pockets, she pulled out the weights and handed them to my mum who turned away from me. She was ashamed of me, embarrassed by me. She hated me.

"Sorry." I muttered, mum shook her head and then looked at me,

"You're ill baby girl, please just get help." I could see the tears in her eyes, her heart was breaking and it was all my fault. I shrugged and then grabbed a gown, stepping behind the curtains to get changed – that plan hadn't gone well.

I heard the door shut when mum walked out and I closed my eyes, trying to hold back the threatening tears. Shaking them off, I walked out and looked down when I saw the doctor looking me up and down.

"Step on the scales please." I nodded at her and then slowly stepped on them, she didn't even know me and she hated me, she is thinking about what a huge waste of her time I am and she could be dealing with someone who is actually ill.

"75lbs." She muttered,

"Can you step off and stand by here please?" I nodded and watched as she measured my height,

"Can you sit on the bed for me please?" I nodded again and sighed when I saw her go to a massive chart by the wall, I heard her heave a deep sigh and then she turned around to face me.

"Allison, do you know what anorexia is?" I nodded at her, all of a sudden feeling really shy, she looked at me and then grabbed a blood pressure monitor which was next to her. She wrapped it around my arm and smiled at me, when she started to pump it I turned away, I didn't want to let her know how weak I was as tears dripped down my face.

"Thought so." She muttered, I looked at her and bit down on my lip,

"Thought what?"

"Low blood pressure."

"Oh.." I looked down,

"Can I get changed now?" She nodded and I ran to go put my baggy clothing back on.

I smiled when I could no longer see every fat bit and I walked out, handing her the gown and she smiled,

"Sit down for a minute, I think we need to talk before your mum comes back in." I nodded and then sat down, she smiled again and sat down behind her desk,

"I just want to ask you a few questions and I need you to tell the truth." I nodded and looked down at my feet,

"You have a body mass index of 12.1, you're at severe risk of cardiac arrest and other problems at the moment and if you don't get help soon then I am scared that something is going to happen to you, do you want to die?"

"Everyone would be a lot happier." I regretted it when I said it but she didn't seem shocked,

"Your mum loves you a lot, I am just wondering why she didn't bring you here sooner, a lot could have been prevented."

"I just came back from a month holiday with my dad." I said, she nodded,

"What happened when you got back?"

"What do you mean?"

"Did your mum try to help you when she noticed your weight loss?" I nodded at her and then looked back down at the floor,

"She made me sit down with her at the dining table to eat and she took days off work to make sure I did eat.." I felt ashamed for letting her do that, I shouldn't be selfish, I should have just eaten something. I sighed at the thought and then looked up at the doctor,

"How long has this been going on?"

"It was just a diet..." I whispered,

"What did you start off doing on this 'diet'?"

"Just eating healthily.. no sugar or junk food." She nodded,

"And you lost weight?"

"I just wanted my dad to be proud of me."

"Do you think that he is only going to be proud of you if you're thin?" I nodded and then looked at her,

"Sometimes I think that if I am thin then he wouldn't have left me and I would have been good enough for him but when I was there he hated me even when I had lost all the weight... he hated me because of it."

"He doesn't hate you, he probably doesn't understand. Just like your mum doesn't." I nodded and then looked down at my hands in my lap,

"When did the diet become a problem?"

"I was really happy because I had lost some weight but then I went to this sleepover and the girl I was with... s-she threw everything we ate back up and I was curious..." I trailed off, knowing Tawni was going to hate me.

"She taught you?" I shook my head,

"I asked her to, she couldn't say no." I looked away,

"Do you want to tell me this girls name?" I shook my head again,

"She would kill me." The doctor nodded,

"She has an eating disorder too, she needs help as well."

"I know but she won't let me." She nodded,

"Okay... and then what happened?"

"I don't know, I just kept eating less and less and I would try to throw up everything I did eat. I just wanted to be thin..."

"Do you think you're thin now?" I shook my head,

"It's like.. no matter how much weight I lose I will never look thinner."

"Sonny... I need to get you admitted into a hospital, I know it's going to be hard but it's for your own good. You have to get better, you don't want to die, do you?" I shook my head,

"I am going to get your mum." I nodded when she walked out of the room, not coming back for another ten minutes. Mum smiled at me and knelt down next to me, putting her hand in mine as she kissed my cheek gently.

"We are going to get you some help, okay?" I nodded at her and tried to smile back at her,

"I'm sorry mummy." I whispered, she shook her head,

"It's okay darling, it's going to be better soon. I promise." I nodded and then looked over at the doctor,

"Unfortunately – against my advice – they were unable to get you a bed until tomorrow I am going to phone you tomorrow with the time you have to be here, is that okay?" Mum nodded and took my hand as she stood up.

"I will see you soon." I nodded and heard mum thank her, she was nice but she had ruined everything, Tawni's plan hadn't worked. I must have done something wrong. I sighed at the thought and then looked around the waiting room, wondering if anyone was the same as me. Mum wrapped an arm around me and smiled,

"It's all going to be okay now." She said, I nodded,

"Can I go see Tawni?" She shook her head,

"The doctor said I shouldn't let you out of my sight for tonight." I looked down at the ground, biting down on my lip,

"Can I phone her?"

"Of course you can." I smiled and put my arm around her waist,

"Thank you mum."

"No problem, maybe we can get all of this sorted out soon." I nodded,

"Yeah hopefully."

**Please review! There is cookies in it for you, or anything else you may want ;)**


	18. Chapter Seventeen

**Disclaimer: See last chapter**

**~ Chapter Seventeen ~ **

**~ "Watching you fall apart." ~ **

Chad looked at his face in the mirror as he put down the phone, watching the tears fall down his face. He couldn't believe this had happened, he had always suspected something but he didn't want it to be true – he never wanted this to happen.

He shook his head, at least she was getting help now. He wiped away the tears and smiled at his reflection, it was all going to be okay now. Everything was going to be okay, Sonny was going to be fine. She nodded and then looked back down at his mobile phone, grabbing it and texting her quickly -

**Good luck Sonshine, I know that you can do this. You can recover from this, you're stronger than you think. I believe in you, I will come and see you as soon as you call. Miss you so much baby, I love you more than anything. **

**Forever yours, **

**Chad**

He nodded at his own text and smiled, hopefully it would be okay. He pressed send and then looked around his room, satisfied with himself. He decided to go and see the randoms and tell them what was going on. He knew it was going to be so hard for Sonny and they would have to help her through it.

He frowned when he thought back to the conversation they had just had – she begged him to tell Tawni for her because she was too scared to phone her herself. He bit down on his lower lip as he tried to think, did Tawni already know? Does Tawni have an Eating Disorder as well? He shook the thought off, it would explain the sudden closeness between the two girls, the constant runs he had seen them on.

He was glad that Sonny was getting help, she would be in hospital as from tomorrow morning. He was surprised that he was the one she phoned – even though he was her boyfriend, he always thought she would phone Tawni first. Maybe they had an argument or something, he shook his head and slowly walked out of his dressing room door, jumping when his phone beeped and taking it out of his pocket. Smiling when he saw it was from Sonny:

**Thanks my gorgeous blue eyed boy, I am going to try so hard. I can't do this anymore. You're the most amazing boyfriend anyone could ever ask for, I am so sorry for everything I have put you through. I never meant to push you away, I am so glad you stayed with me. I know I need to get better and I am going to try my best. I miss you baby, I love you so much, forever yours, Sonshine. **

He grinned at the message and put the phone back in his pocket, he had to explain to everyone first but he knew that Tawni would be at home – he would wait until he was her next.

"Can I talk to you guys?" He asked as he walked into the prop room, they all nodded, frowning when they saw him.

"Sonny just called me." Chad looked at them all and then sat down,

"And?" Nico rolled his eyes and turned away,

"I saw her this morning Chad." He muttered, his eyes brimming with tears as he thought about it.

"She was with Tawni, running on the beach... she was to tiny and Tawni just seemed oblivious." He clenched his fist at the thought,

"She is being hospitalized." Chad looked at Nico, he hadn't seen Sonny recently apart from around the studio sometimes and he knew how tiny she looked, but there was something that spooked Nico completely this morning.

"Why?"

"She has anorexia, she is being admitted on an emergency basis with a BMI of 12.1." He looked at their faces as a lone tear fell down his own cheek,

"She looked so fragile, I wanted to run up to her and hug her but I thought she was going to break, I was so scared..." Nico whispered, shaking his head as the image wouldn't leave his mind.

"What happened to our Sonny?" Grady muttered, putting his head in his hands as he felt tears roll down his cheeks.

"Sometimes these things happen to people we would least expect it to. Something sent her over the edge but she's going to be okay now, she's getting help and that's all that matters, right?" Zora spoke up from the vents, for the first time ever the sparkle in her mischievous eyes had gone. Chad nodded at her and tried to smile through his tears,

"I want her back." Nico muttered,

"Me too and soon we will, she's determined to do this."

"What did she say to you on the phone?" Grady asked, looking at Chad as he closed his eyes and tried to remember the whole conversation,

"_Hello?" Chad picked up his mobile phone and heard a sniff on the other end, _

_  
"Chad?" He smiled at the sound of the voice on the other end, _

_  
"Sonny! What's wrong?"_

"I need to tell you something, please don't hate me." She sounded so weak, she didn't sound like the Sonny he had fallen in love with anymore. 

_  
"Okay..." Chad sat down by his dressing table, _

_  
"I am going into hospital tomorrow... I have been diagnosed with anorexia." _

"_Oh my God, I mean I thought you might but I didn't know for sure.. what happened?"_

"_Mum made me go to the doctors, they weighed me and took my blood pressure and asked me questions all the time. She said I was underweight, and that I had to go in soon." Chad nodded, biting down on his lower lip, remembering how thin his beautiful girlfriend was. _

"_What is your BMI?" He muttered, typing in BMI on google to check if she was going to be okay. _

"_12.1." She muttered, Chad shook his head as he realized that the BMI for underweight was 18.5, she was tiny. He let a few tears fall down his face and he quickly wiped them away._

"Oh God Sonny, how could you let it get this far?"

"I don't know..." He could hear her crying on the other end of the phone, 

_  
"Does anyone else know?"_

"No, just you. Will you tell everyone tomorrow? I won't be allowed visitors for a while, not until I gain some weight. When I do I will phone you, if that's okay?" 

"_Of course it's okay."_

"I have to go now, I love you Chad."

"Love you too Sonny, miss you."

"I miss you too, bye." Sonny hung up and Chad dropped the phone onto the floor, looking around his dressing room, wondering what the hell had been going on with his girlfriend. 

"She didn't say much, she was so tired by the sounds of it, so weak." He shook his head, keeping his eyes closed as he tried to think about what happened to her.

"She's going to be okay." Zora whispered, trying to reassured herself.

"I hope so."


	19. Chapter Eighteen

**Disclaimer: See last chapter**

**~ Chapter Eighteen ~ **

"**I don't need anybody because everyone forgot about me." **

**~ Tawni ~ **

I sat down on the rock which Sonny and I usually sat on, she still hadn't turned up and I had been waiting for over an hour now. I sigh and look down at my watch, something must have happened because she never misses our morning runs. She didn't phone me last night either, I looked down at my feet confused, I wondered what had happened to stop her coming.

I looked up and around, deciding that she was going to come, and made my way back home instead.

"Did you have a nice run?" I nodded at my mum and then quickly made my way up the stairs, I was in no mood for a conversation.

"What's wrong?" She walked up behind me, putting her hand on my shoulder as I shook my head.

"I don't feel too good, I am going to lay down." She nodded and sighed before walking off, I looked at her for a moment and bit down on my lower lip before going into my bedroom.

I lay down on my bed and looked up at my blank ceiling, thinking about the possible reasons as to why Sonny didn't turn up. I would have known if something happened to her, she would have told me by now, wouldn't she? I shook my head and closed my eyes to try and think about something else. She would be okay, she probably got caught sneaking out or something. Everything is fine.

I woke up a few hours later to the sound of mum calling me, I shook my head and rubbed my eyes.

"Tawni?" I slid out of my bed and opened my door slowly,

"Coming!" I shouted back down to her, sighing as I walked down the stairs, frowning when I saw Chad at the bottom standing there with my mum.

"We need to talk." He muttered, I looked at his face, he seemed worried and looked like he hadn't slept last night. I nodded slowly,

"Is it private?" I asked, deciding whether I should take the energy to walk back upstairs or not but he shook his head, biting down hard on his lower lip,

"I think it's best if your mum hears this as well." I nodded and then walked into the sitting room, telling him to take a seat. I smiled at him as best I could, looking down when he didn't smile back.

"Sonny phoned me last night." He said after a lingering silence, I looked up at him wondering why Sonny hadn't phoned me as well. I wrinkled my nose and tried to pretend like I didn't care, I shrugged,

"And?"

"She's in hospital." I looked up instantly, suddenly feeling dizzy. There is no way I can do any of this without her, how could she let herself be caught? How could she let herself get put into that place? Now she has gone and I am all alone again, what am I going to do?

I looked at him with tears in my eyes and then looked away,

"She has been diagnosed with anorexia." I nodded and looked over at my mum who was nodding as well,

"I knew it." She muttered mostly to herself, shaking her head as she looked down at the ground,

"I should have done something to help her, I knew what was going on.. I should have been able to help her before it got this far."

"I knew about it as well mum, I didn't do anything either." I look down at the floor, ashamed of myself, she was right – this had gone too far and I was the one who helped Sonny get sick in the first place. I should have protected her from this,

"You knew?" I nodded and looked up at Chad,

"She pushed everyone else away, I made her tell me what was wrong. I thought it was my fault because I helped her with an exercise and diet plan..." A tear fell down my face and I didn't bother wiping it away,

"Nico saw you running yesterday, and then just two hours after she was diagnosed with anorexia." Chad looked at me and shook his head, I could tell he was disgusted with me.

"I didn't mean to."

"You saw you underweight she was! She looks terrible, she looks as though as she could break at any second and you let her go for runs with you?"

"I don't know..." I whisper,

"You were with her yesterday? You said you went on your own.. we told you that Sonny needed a break from it all." I look up at my mum and nod, hanging my head in shame.

"I am sorry, I didn't notice my best friends pain and I don't know why, I guess I didn't want to." Mum got up and put her arm around my shoulders, the lies came easily to me because I did know about all of her pain, I was one of the reasons behind it all.

I buried my head into her warm body and started to cry, why did I let her do this to herself? I didn't mean for any of this to happen, I didn't want it to happen.

I jump when I hear the door slam, looking up to see Chad was gone. Sonny was gone, I had nobody left. I didn't need anyone though, because everyone forgot about me.


	20. Chapter Nineteen

**Disclaimer: See last chapter**

**~ Chapter Nineteen ~ **

**~ Have you ever wanted to wake up in a hospital and hear the words 'she's not going to make it'?" **

"Okay Sonny, do you know how this is going to work?" Sonny shook her head and stared at the doctor in front of her. He smiled a little and then pushed back a little on his chair. Sonny was sitting down on a hospital bed in a gown after being checked over.

"First of all we need to make sure you start eating, the thing is Sonny... you are severely underweight and one of our main focuses at the moment is going to be getting you back to a normal weight. You are 75lbs, do you know what the normal weight for your height is?" Sonny looked up at him again and shrugged,

"125 is the weight we are looking at."

"No way, I am not gaining it all back.. I can't." Sonny shook her head and felt some tears fall down her face ,she wiped them away quickly and looked at him,

"Sonny, we need to work on your weight first, you won't get there straight away but I promise you that it's going to get easier. As soon as your weight starts going back up, we are going to start looking at the psychological side of this." She stared at him, not saying a word,

"Once we know how this began, we can start working on changing the way your mind works." She nodded and heaved a deep sigh,

"What's going to happen while I am in here? You know, food wise..."

"Well at first, we are going to give you small meals which you can eat from your bed. The meals will eventually increase in size and calorific value, if you find the meals too hard to consume then you will be given the same amount of calories in liquid form."

"What if I refuse?"

"You will be put on a feeding tube after three warnings." She nodded slowly and then looked down at her feet,

"And then....?"

"When you find them not so difficult as you're going to now, you will be put into the meal room with others who feel the same as you. Basically, you will all eat together, proper meals that are based to help you gain weight until you're out of the danger zone." She nodded again,

"Do I get visitors?"

"Not for a while... except family members of course."

"What about my boyfriend? If he came with my mum?" He shook his head,

"You will have to get your weight up before any privileges like that." She bit down on her lip as tears fell down her pale face,

"What about phone calls?"

"You will get one a week." She pulled her knees to her chest when the tears started to fall quicker,

"Do you have any more questions?" She shook her head,

"I will take you to your room now, okay?" Sonny slowly stood up,

"The nurses have put your bags in there already, you can get changed into whatever you want when you get there." She nodded and tried to smile, looking around the hospital when they walked to her room.

She sat on her bed when she got into her room and looked around the room, there was nothing much in there. There was one big window with blinds for privacy, a small bed and a chest of drawers, next to a large cupboard. She sighed, this was going to be her home for the next couple of months, or more.

She lay back on the bed, she didn't think she could do this, it was all too much, it was all too hard.

"Hey darling." Sonny looked up at her mum when she walked into the room, smiling at her and sitting up a little. She watched her mum walk across the room and sit down on the bed,

"The doctor doesn't think I should visit for the first few days." Sonny sighed, then nodded slowly,

"I am scared mummy, please don't leave me." She sounded so weak but she didn't care, she wanted her mum to stay and tell her that everything was going to be okay, that it was all going to work out.

Connie wrapped an arm around her daughter, a tear dropping from her face onto the girls shoulder.

"I have to go baby girl, it's for your own good. I promise it will all work out soon, I am going to come and see you in a few days once you have settled in and I will see you as often as I can." Sonny nodded, watching her mum as she pulled away and kissed Sonny gently on the cheek before walking out.

"Mum!" She shouted out, watching the broken woman turn around,

"I am so sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for my baby girl, I have to go now but I will bring Chad with me soon, I will pretend he is your brother or something." Sonny laughed a little and grinned,

"Thank you mum."

"I love you." Connie whispered, turning back around and shutting the door behind her.

"I love you too." Sonny muttered to herself, laying back down on her bed. She closed her eyes and wondered what Chad was doing right now.. She wondered if he had told Tawni yet, what was Tawni thinking about if he had?

She closed her eyes tightly when she heard the sound of a constant beep going off in the room next to her. Someone wad dying, someone in the room next to her was dying and it could be her soon. She sighed, and stopped the tears from falling down.

"I don't want to die, please don't let me die."

She whispered as she fell into a deep sleep.


	21. Chapter Twenty

**Disclaimer: See last chapter**

**~ Chapter Twenty ~**

"**Please cover me I'm so cold. Please understand me, I'm all alone." **

**~ Sonny ~**

I wake up shaking and sweating, I cling to the covers around me and pull them up further. I wipe away the tears falling down my face and try to close my eyes and forget it all. It's been a week already and I still can't settle in. I look around the empty, lonely room and try and forget the nightmare that is my life. Sighing, I curl up in a tight ball and try to think of nice things, good things, Chad comes to mind. I close my eyes and picture him in my head, he is the one who is going to get me through this. He is the one who is going to be able to make me okay. I tighten my grip on the covers, trying to stop myself from shaking, trying to make the constant, numbing cold go away. A whole week in this place, I had hardly left my bedroom, I couldn't. I was too scared to meet other people like me, it was different with Tawni, she was different in a way. We both had an eating disorder, we both felt the same but we have different ways of dealing with it. It was easier to be with her than those like me, it seemed like they could know how I thought, they were like me and it scared me. I shook the thought off, I didn't have to go with them till I was ready, I don't think I will ever be ready.

"Are you going to eat today Allison?" The nurse says as she walks in with my breakfast tray, I sit up and shrug,

"Don't feel like it." She tutted and then walked back out, leaving the tray behind. I sighed and then looked at all the food on it, I was so tempted to just binge on it right now, nobody loved me. Dad refused to come and see me, mum didn't say that though - She told me he wasn't allowed time off work, but he wanted to. I would have believed her if he answered my calls, if he called me or if he just gave her a message from him. But I had nothing, I meant nothing to him.

I stared at the butter dripping off the now cold toast, the sugar filled cereal, with the fattening milk. I looked at the small fruit bowl they had given me, chopped up apples, sliced banana, 10 grapes and some kiwi. I shook my head, I wasn't going to let myself eat because then everyone would win and I would lose. I wouldn't be able to stop, I wouldn't be able to control myself anymore. I went up to the tray and picked it up for a second, then I chucked it against the wall with all the strength I could get in my small body. I smiled when I saw it all drip down the walls, and I smiled when the Doctors and Nurses came running in to see what the loud crash was. I just shook my head at them and got into bed,

"Go get Doctor Winters now!" She was my Doctor, she thought she could help me, but I never listened to her. She was pretty but there was something strange about her, something telling me she was hurting as well. Maybe not in the same way but there was something there.

"Sonny." I heard her voice after a while of silence, apart from the sound of a Nurse complaining about how she had to do all the dirty work around here. I sat up from my place on the bed and looked at her,

"What?" I muttered, she shook her head and then sat down on the edge of the bed,

"You need to eat." I shook my head,

"I don't need to, you just want me to." I said, she just looked at me and then sighed,

"I do want you to, yes, but I also need you to. You're doing more damage than good Sonny." I shrugged,

"Do you know what is going to happen if you carry on like this?" I shook my head,

"We are going to put you on a feeding tube." I looked down and shook my head as I felt the tears fall down my face,

"We don't want to do that to you, but we can and we will." She said, I just shook my head again and kept my head down. I didn't say anything, I couldn't say anything. I didn't know what to say to that, I didn't want to be put on a tube but I know I couldn't do anything about it if I were to be put on one. I just didn't want to get fat. I sighed and then wiped the tears from my face, I looked up at her and examined her face. She seemed like she cared, but she still kept the distance between us. She looked sad, but she looked content at the same time. She was happy with her job, I could see that, but she was still sad. I shook the thoughts off, I didn't want to get involved with someone who was just trying to make me fat. She got up off the bed,

"Come on, we have to start working on the psychological factors." I nodded and slowly got off my bed, I walked after her. She turned around,

"Do you need a wheelchair?" I shook my head and she carried on walking.

We came to a stop at a door, not far from my room and she entered it, I went in after her and looked around. It was different to my bedroom, bigger for starters. There was a large mirror on one wall, another wall had a large notepad on it. I wondered what it was for, I just shrugged to myself and looked at all the exercise equipment on the other side of the room.

"I need you to step on the scales Sonny." Dr Winters said, pulling me out of my thoughts, I nodded and then went to step on them as I normally did but she shook her head,

"Backwards." I sighed,

"Why?"

"So you don't know how much you weigh." I rolled my eyes and stepped on them backwards, staring at her face as she looked at the numbers. I wonder what they say, I wrinkled my nose and stepped back off when she asked me to. I walked around the room, burning extra calories without her even noticing.

"What do you normally eat?" She suddenly says, I look at her and shrug,

"I don't know.. why?"

"I need to know." I sigh,

"Its different every day."

"Well tell me the usual days." I nod and then look around the room once more,

"An apple for breakfast, nothing for lunch or maybe a cracker. And then some salad or fruit for tea." She nodded at me,

"And whats your ideal weight?" I thought for a moment,

"I don't know.. 75lbs." She nods and writes this down, I look at her,

"You weigh less than that." I shake my head,

"I don't look it." I sigh and then start moving around again,

"You should be 125lbs at your height." I laugh and then turn around to look at her, catching my reflection in the mirror I had been trying to avoid,

"No way. You are not going to make me gain everything I have lost back. There is no way." I hissed at her, I was not going to get fat again, nothing she could say or do was going to change that.

"You're not going to get fat." She walked over to me but I shook my head,

"Look.. we are different. You can eat without getting fat.. I can't. If I eat I get fat. End of story." I let a tear fall down my face as I thought about it. I wish I could eat, I wish I was thin.

"Come over here." She started to walk towards the big notepad I had been looking at earlier,

"I want you to write down everything you feel." She hands me a pen and I look at her confused,

"I will be over here.. Write what you want." I nod and then take the pen in my shaking hand. I look at the paper and think for a moment. When I start to write, I can't stop. All these feelings wash over me, and tell me that I am worthless and stupid. I don't know why I am writing it all down, I don't want her to know how I really feel but I don't want to let Doctor Winters down either. I don't want her to think I am stupid or something. I step back when I am done and look at all the words, I smile, satisfied with my own work and turn towards Doctor Winters. She smiles at me and stands up,

"Well done."

"Why did I have to do that?"

"I have to know how you feel sometimes Sonny. If I understand that then maybe I can start to understand why you do this to yourself." I nod,

"I guess that makes sense..."

"Now one more thing, I want you to look into that mirror and tell me what you see." I shake my head,

"Don't make me look in there." I whisper, I refuse to look at the large mirror to the side of me, I don't want to know how fat I am, I really can't take this.

"It's okay Sonny, we are going to work on the image you see. Trust me." I nod and then start to walk towards the mirror, the thing of my nightmares. I see myself there and I start to shake, the Doctor puts her hand on my shoulder and smiles kindly at me.

"Now tell me what you see." I look at myself and shrug,

"I don't know.. fat thighs." I point to my thighs and then at my stomach,

"A bulging stomach..." I go through everything that is wrong with me, everything that I can't change about myself no matter what I do. She just shakes her head when she is done,

"In the mind of anorexics, the mirror changes, have you ever seen one of those mirrors that distorts your image?" I nod and then look at her, turning myself away from the mirror, but she turns me back,

"Thats what your mind is doing to you. It is changing how you see things, and we have to work on changing it back to the way you used to see it all. We have to make sure you see the truth once again." I look at her confused,

"So.. you're saying that what I am looking at right now isn't real?"

"To you it is, but it's not the truth. It's not what you really look like," I nod and then look down, I feel tired already and we haven't done much. She smiles at me and then goes to pick up her stuff,

"Lets get you back to your room." I nod and then follow her out of the room. I keep my head down all the way back to my room, making sure nobody notices me, making sure that I am not seen, that way is better. I don't want to get to know people in here, it will be too hard if something happens.

I say goodbye to Doctor Winters when she leaves me alone in my room and I climb into my bed. I look up at the ceiling and think to myself what life would be like without this thing holding me back. I close my eyes and try to think about something else, something that could make me happy.

- - - - - -

"She is still refusing to eat Munroe." I am sitting inside my bedroom, listening to my mum argue with the Doctors outside. She won't let them do this to me, she won't. I shake my head and think to myself while I hear her shouting at them, she didn't want this for me. She doesn't want to see me tubed, I don't want her or Chad to see me like this. I am sitting on the edge of my bed with my head down, trying to ignore the shouting, trying to focus on the food splattered on the floor. I smile to myself, they shouldn't give it to me. They know it's not going to end up in my mouth.

"Sonny.." I snap my head up as I hear the door open and my mums voice. I smile at her and hug her when she puts her arms around me,

"You have to start eating." She says, I nod slowly,

"I know.. I just can't. Let me come home with you mummy." I whisper,

"I will be okay there, I can't be in here for any longer. I ain't strong enough." I admitted, she shook her head and looked down at the floor,

"You have to stay here, for your own good." I just shake my head and then lay back on my bed.

"I ain't going to eat. They are wasting their time."

"They will put you on a feeding tube then, is that what you want?" She stands up and slams her hand on the bed, I jump a little but try to show no emotion as I don't answer her. I turn to the other side of the room as I hear her pull up a chair. The door opens again and she thanks someone, I look back around and see her holding up another tray of food. I laugh at her and shake my head,

"No way." I turn my head back to the other side, but turn around when she doesn't answer. She is just sitting there staring at the food, I see a tear fall down her face and in that one moment I realize the damage I have done to her. I shake my head and then turn to look at her,

"I am sorry for being this way. If I could stop it all from happening I would." She looks up and nods,

"It's not your fault, I just wish you could try." I nod,

"Me too." I sigh.

"If you don't eat... then I will ban you from using the phone."

"I have nobody to phone." I say as I accept the challenge she is giving me, she sighs and then pauses for a moment

"Tawni? Chad?" I shake my head,

"I don't need to phone them." I try to sound like I don't care, but the truth is I care too much. I love my phone conversations with Chad, I love hearing his voice but if I had to accept it as a punishment then I would. I hear her sigh and I turn to the other side. And then I hear the door slam...

- - - - - - -

"Mummy! No! Please don't let them do this! Help me!" I scream, there are three nurses and two doctors - one of them being Doctor Winters, I cry out in fear and panic as they try and pin me down, I won't let them do this to me. I won't let this happen. I shake my head and scream when they try to stick the tube up my nose, I won't let them. I can't let them win. I watch as my mum cries in the corner of the room, she doesn't want this to happen, but she is letting them anyway. I need her to save me, I want her to help me. I let out one more scream and kick before I feel a needle pierce into my arm, I look at Doctor Winters who starts to push back my hair from my face and tell me that it will be okay. I shake my head as I feel darkness wash over me. I was going to get fat, they were going to put fat into my body and I couldn't do anything about it. Finally the darkness took over and I was nowhere. I was alone, a feeling I was starting to get used to.

- - - - - -

When I woke up just a few hours later, I felt for the tube up my nose - It was there, I was so tempted to rip it out. I wanted to so badly, but then I saw the person sitting by my bed. I looked at him and then moved my hand which he had placed in his when I was asleep. He jumped up and then smiled when he saw I was awake. I tried to smile at him but tears fell from my eyes instead, he shook his head and then stood up, kissing me on the cheek,

"I love you." He whispered, I nodded. I couldn't speak, it hurt too much. I want to die, but I wanted to live as well. I wanted to be thin, but I wanted to be happy. I wanted to eat but I wanted to be in control. I wanted to be normal, but I was everything except normal. I always wanted what I couldn't have. I started to shake, out of panic and fear. Chad just shook his head and wrapped my covers tightly around me,

"It will be okay, I promise you." I nod and start to calm down a little,

"I am always going to be here, I will never leave you. You are going to get better, and then we are going to be happy together, forever." I stared up at his dreamy eyes and squeezed his hand. I loved him so much, I wanted to be better for him.

"I am going to help you through this. I am going to be here every step of the way, I will always be just a phone call away." He said, I nodded as I closed my eyes again. I was so tired, I felt him grip my hand a little tighter and then nothing. I was back to my lonely world again, I was back to what I was used to.


	22. Chapter Twenty One

**Disclaimer: See last chapter**

**~ Chapter Twenty One ~ **

**~ "I don't want to be the fat one no more." ~ **

"Tawni are you going to eat breakfast or not?" Her mum sounded impatient but for once Tawni didn't care, she just sat there and shook her head, she had been the same since she had found out about Sonny. She had been like it since she realized that she was to blame for this mess. She couldn't eat anything, she couldn't do anything. She wanted Sonny back, she wanted her to be okay and she needed to know it wasn't her fault.

She looked up at her mum and saw the tears in the woman's eyes,

"I don't want you to end up like Sonny, I know you blame yourself but people with Eating Disorders are different. You couldn't have stopped her going for a run, she would have done it on her own. It's better that she was with someone, if something had happened, you would have been there to help her." Tawni nodded and looked down at the plate her mum had placed in front of her, she knew she couldn't do it anymore, it wasn't her. The whole thing wasn't her.

Sonny would have told her to stop forcing anorexia on herself, she had always believed that everyone was who they were, she had always told Tawni that she wanted anorexia too much. Tawni silently agreed with her as she picked up her fork, watching her mum as she smiled and wrapped her arms around her daughter,

"Thank you." She whispered in her ear, Tawni shook her head and smiled,

"No. Thank you." She had needed to hear that it wasn't her fault, that there was nothing she could have done. She couldn't take the guilt any longer.

When she was done she smiled at her parents and made her way to her bedroom, she knew what she had to do, she knew that this was the person she was. She ran into the bathroom and smiled to herself – this was the only way she felt like she had control. She hadn't felt that way in over a week and she had missed it.

She forced her fingers hard into her stomach, remembering the pride she had felt about a month ago when she was able to throw up without putting her fingers down her throat. She remembered the amazement she had felt when she could be sick without the effort, the only thing she felt she had over Sonny.

She grinned when she was done and flushed the toilet. It felt so good, it felt so much better than starving. She looked at her reflection in the mirror, trying to smile at it. She clutched her stomach suddenly when a sharp pain raced through her whole body, causing her to cry out a little.

She stood up straight when it had finally passed, coughing, she covered her mouth with her hand and stared at her hands when she pulled them back. She looked at her shaking hands, at the dark, red blood dripping off them. She shook her head in shock and fear and then looked in the mirror again.

Tears fell down her face, she had known this was going to happen, she knew she wouldn't be able to carry on without feeling some of the effects. She shook her head and washed her hands, ignoring the tears that were falling down her face. She took one last look in the mirror before walking away.

Sitting down on her bed, she tried her best to think straight. She tried to to think about how hard things were going to get, how ill she could be and all the damage she was doing. She shook her head and thought about it all the weight she had lost thanks to it, she couldn't give it up now.

She lay back on her bed and thought about Sonny, she wondered what her best friend was doing right now, how she felt. Tawni thought that Sonny was the only ill one out of the two of them, she should be happy that she hadn't been caught as well. She should be ecstatic that she was able to carry on longer. But then again, Tawni knew she was jealous. She didn't want to be in the hospital, but she didn't want to be home either.

She didn't want people knowing that she was sick, but she didn't want them to think that Sonny was the only one. She didn't want to go through recovery but at the same time, she did. She sighed loudly and then turned on her side, closing her eyes and thinking about how Sonny must feel.

She buried her head in her pillow to muffle her scream – everything was so hard, it wasn't fair. She just wanted to be thin, why couldn't she be thin enough?

She didn't want to be the fat one anymore – Sonny was absolutely tiny. She was too thin and she was in the hospital because of it. Tawni couldn't help but feel like the odd one out, she was the fat one. She just wanted to be thin, she didn't want to stand out. She didn't want to be the fatter 'Random', she hated being the fat one.


	23. Chapter Twenty Two

**Disclaimer: See last chapter**

**~ Chapter Twenty Two ~ **

**~ "I want to be able to smile again." ~**

Sonny looked around the table and watched as everyone else ate, she didn't stare at them for long, she didn't want them to think that she was judging them or something. She looked down at the bread in front of her and sighed, she had been taken off the tube a week ago, she had been on the thing for to weeks. She had been stuck in hospital for just over a month, and nothing was getting any easier.

She was okay though, she was doing well. Better than she thought she would have been, she was able to eat in her own room but this was her first day sitting with everyone else. She was shaking with fear, wondering what they would think of her, waiting for someone to say that she was too fat to be with them.

She looked at them when she had walked in, none of them looked up at her though, they were too busy staring at the food in front of them in disgust. One of them had been crying and shouting, it was her first day there as well even Sonny knew that.

There were some girls who ate their food quickly, who Sonny assumed were just like Tawni and were waiting for the chance to throw it back up later. Sonny bit down on her lip when she thought about doing the same, but she didn't want to give up yet, she didn't want to fall at the first hurdle.

She smiled at Doctor Winters when she left Sonny's side, she nodded and then walked away, moving to the corner of the room to watch how Sonny would cope. Sonny smiled a little at the two girls on the opposite side of the table from her, and they both smiled back. She wondered if they were judging her, trying to decide what Eating Disorder Sonny had.

Sonny knew they must have been thinking about her for a while because she had been thinking about them. She was watching them look down at the food on their plate, their faces changing when they added up the calories and fat in their heads. She watched them while doing exactly the same.

She shook her head and then stared to nibble on the sandwich in front of her, picking at it piece by piece. She watched others who were doing the same, some of them had cut it up into tiny pieces and were eating it like that.

Sonny could feel her hand shaking, thinking about people watching her as she ate. She turned around and pleaded with her to take her back to her room, but she just shook her head and pointed down at the plate of food. Sonny sighed and held back the tears threatening to fall down her face – she didn't want to be weak, she couldn't let herself give up.

She followed everyone else as they walked out of the room when they were finished and she smiled at Doctor Winters,

"I am so proud of you." She whispered as she put her hand on Sonny's back, she hesitated before doing it – she was just like Sonny in that way, she wasn't too comfortable with physical contact either.

"Thank you."

"Now, we will do this once a day and for the other two meals and snacks, you can stay in your room as usual." Sonny nodded and silently thanked her in her head,

"Then this will increase when you are comfortable enough."

"Fair enough." Sonny nodded, biting down on her lip,

"Right I have to leave you here and I will be back later for the usual." Sonny nodded and walked into her room, she was starting to like their sessions, they talked a lot and they spoke about how she felt when she was hungry. She would look at her reflection and talk about what she saw and why. She would let Sonny do some minor exercise.

They talked about when Sonny had been laying there for two weeks with the tube and how she had felt. Sonny told her that she had wanted to die so badly, how she would think about how much weight she was going to gain. And how much she wanted to scream when she had gained weight, she had cried herself to sleep that night.

But slowly her mind began to change, she was starting to realize that gaining weight wasn't a bad thing anymore. It was becoming an increasingly good thing. She looked around her bedroom and sighed at the thought of spending a few more hours on her own once again. She went to sit on her bed, wishing she had something to keep her amused.

She thought about how it would feel to recover, how it would feel to be that same person she was all those months ago. It seemed so impossible at the moment but she knew that she could do it.

"Sonny, you have a visitor." Sandra, a nurse walking into the room and Sonny shook her head,

"But I ain't expecting anyone."

"Come one, I will take you to the visitors room." Sonny nodded and followed her out of the room,

"Who is it?"

"A girl." She said as she shrugged and opened the door when they finally reached it, Sonny thanked her and walked in to see Tawni waiting on a large seat. Sonny grinned when she stood up,

"Sonny." She wrapped her arms tightly around Sonny's shoulders as Sonny wrapped hers around her waist.

"I missed you so much." Sonny whispered, trying to stop the tears from falling down her face.

"I missed you as well." She smiled, pulling away from each other as they both sat down. Sonny looked around the room and tried to think of something to say. Tawni had lost weight but Sonny didn't want to say anything, she knows more than anyone what it is like when someone tells you what you want to hear.

"How are you?" Tawni asked, finally breaking the awkward silence.

"I am fine, it's hard in here but it's getting better, how about you?"

"I am great, I have lost some weight and I am doing really good with everything, it's horrible without you though." Sonny nodded, biting her lip,

"I noticed you lost some."

"Yeah, well it's been over a month." Sonny sighed and stood up, pacing back and forth. She finally looked out of the window, folding her arms around herself.

"I wanted to come and see you but Chad said something about you not being able to see anyone else."

"Yeah, I was only allowed family. Mum told them that Chad was my brother." She laughed,

"I am glad he is okay with everything." Tawni smiled, Sonny clenched her fists when a sudden wave of anger rushed over her.

"He is not okay with everything." She said as she gritted her teeth,

"Nobody is okay with it except you, Chad is hurting and it's all my fault." She shook her head and ignored her stinging eyes.

"I didn't mean it like that... I-I meant... he is still with you and everything... I meant to say that it's good that he is willing to help you though it." Sonny nodded and unclenched her fist,

"Sorry." She muttered, turning to look at the other girl,

"It's okay."

"How are you and Nico?"

"I guess we are okay. I think he is catching on but he hadn't said anything."

"How often are you purging?"

"More than before I guess.. I can't seem to keep anything down these days." Sonny looked down at the floor,

"How is recovery?"

"Fine." Sonny didn't want to tell her much, she didn't want her to think that she was weak. She didn't want her to know how much she was hurting, the month away from Tawni had made Sonny realize just how much damage they were doing to each other, how much pain they were causing each other.

"I am glad you are recovering, you deserve it." She sat down and Sonny nodded,

"You deserve it too." She just shook her head, Sonny could feel anger rush over her again and she turned away,

"What? Is Tawni Hart too good to recover?"

"No! It's just.. I don't want it enough." Sonny sighed and then turned to stare at the door, willing someone to walk in and take her back to her room.

"I should go." Tawni finally said, Sonny nodded and carried on staring at the door.

"When do you get out of here?"

"A fortnight or so, when I reach one hundred pounds."

"What do you weigh now?"

"Why?" Sonny finally looked at her, feeling defensive,

"I was jut wondering.. what's happened to us Sonny? You used to tell me everything.."

"90lbs."

"Soon hopefully then."

"Yes." Sonny said as Tawni stared walking away,

"See you soon?" Sonny nodded and sat down when she walked out, relieved that it was over. She didn't want to lose Tawni as a friend but she wanted to lose her as an influence. She started to shake and she started to realize she was missing 'snack time', she sighed and walked out of the bright yellow room and back towards the dull, white room that she called home for over a month now.


	24. Chapter Twenty Three

**Disclaimer: See last chapter**

**~ Chapter Twenty Three ~**

"**I should have kept my mouth shut." **

**~ Chad ~**

"Finally I am out of there." Sonny walked out of the large building and grinned at me. I was waiting for her outside, I was going to take her home as her mum was in work. I hugged her as she came out and she tightly squeezed me,

"You look really good Sonny." I said, she smiled,

"I think I look a lot better than the last time you saw me."

"How are you today?" I said as we walked down the street, she grinned and shrugged,

"A lot better now that I have seen you. How about you?" I nodded at her,

"Great thank you."

"Have you seen Tawni?" I shook my head at her and she looked down at the floor,

"Why?"

"She came to see me two weeks ago, I don't know why but I was cold to her.. sort of." I shook my head,

"I haven't seen her much since I told her about you six weeks ago."

"It doesn't matter." She seemed upset so I decided to press on about it,

"We can go and see her if you want?" She shook her head and then sighed,

"She needs help Chad." She whispered,

"Why?"

"She has bulimia and I don't know what to do. When she came to see me I asked her to recover but she won't. She told me she is purging more than ever and I am so worried about her." It all came out at top speed, like she had been waiting for someone to tell for a long time. I shook my head in disbelief and saw the worry in Sonny's eyes.

"Maybe we should talk to her."

"No please... You can't. She will hate me if she finds out I told someone." I sighed,

"Promise you won't tell her or anyone else?" I nodded, already hatching a plan in my mind. She smiled and carried on walking.

I didn't want to betray her trust, but she would understand when Tawni got help. I knew she would understand.

- - - - – -

"Mrs Hart can I talk to you for a second?" I said as she opened the door, she nodded and smiled at me. I shook my head, trying to think of what I was going to say.

"It's difficult to say..." I started off, she just looked at me, not saying anything at all,

"Sonny got out of hospital earlier today... She told me something when we were walking home." Still nothing, so I carried on,

"She told me that Tawni has bulimia, she asked me not to tell anyone but I thought it best if you knew." I looked up at the older woman as she shook her head, and tears fell down her face,

"I should have known..." She whispered,I shook my head,

"Tawni is really good at hiding it. You couldn't have known about this." She nodded and sighed,

"Thank you for telling me." I smiled,

"I should go now, I hope she is okay soon." She nodded again and then I let myself out. I couldn't believe I had just done that, but at least Tawni was going to get help now. I closed my eyes and thought about Sonny, how much she was going to hate me for this but it would be okay in the end. They would both be fine, and we can go back to the way things were before.

When I walked down the street I bit down on my lip, wondering if I was going to lose Sonny thanks to my own mistake.

I close my eyes as I stop and look out at the ocean and whisper to myself,

"I should have kept my mouth shut." As a tear fell down my face.


	25. Chapter Twenty Four

**Disclaimer: See last chapter**

**~ Chapter Twenty Five ~**

"**I hope you choke on all the lies you told me." **

**~ Tawni ~ **

"Hey Mum, Dad." I smiled at them as I walked through the door, they were sitting down at the dining table. Mum looked like she had been crying, but she turned away when I walked in. "Whats going on?" I said as I walked further in,

"We need to speak to you."I sighed and then walked back into the dining area and sat down,

"What?" I muttered as I looked at my Mum. She still had her back turned to me, she was trying to hide the tears falling down her face, but I could tell by her shaking body that she was crying. I looked away from her, and at the window instead.

"We were told something today." My Dad said, I rolled my eyes,

"Can we get to the point already?" I was irritated by all this, I wanted to go upstairs and purge before the calories stayed inside me from before.

"Do you have an eating disorder?" Mum asked me as she finally stopped crying and turned back to me, I shook my head, trying to hide my shock at the sudden question.

"Do you make yourself throw up Tawni?" She cried, I shook my head,

"No! Who told you that." Sonny got out of hospital today, maybe she told them, I shook my head at the thought.

"Who?"

Mum just tutted "Does it matter who? What matters is if it's true or not?"

"No of course it is not true." I shouted as I stood up. I was going to kill Sonny if this was all her doing, I was not going to get caught right now. I was not going to let all my control break.

"I wouldn't Mum." I whispered,

"I tried it once.. When Sonny was around... She showed me how..." I said, wanting to turn my Mum against Sonny so she wouldn't believe anything she ever said again. She stared at my in disbelief and shook her head,

"She showed you how?" She looked at my Dad and I saw the anger in his eyes, I nodded and then looked down at the table, I didn't want her to figure out I was lying.

"I didn't like it.. I tried it and I couldn't do it and when something came up I felt horrible afterwards.. It didn't feel right." I shrugged,

"I have never tried it since." Mum closed her eyes,

"If Sonny told you this, you can't believe her Mum. When I went to see her, we had an argument. I told her she had to get better or I couldn't do this anymore. This is her way of getting back to me." I rushed out the lies, I wasn't going to let Sonny win. She wanted me to recover but I won't, I can't. Mum nodded,

"You promise?" I nodded at her and reached over to touch her hand,

"I wouldn't be able to Mum." She smiled through her tears and looked at my Dad. They seemed to believe me,

"I think you should stay away from Rikki from now on."

"With pleasure. I don't like people who spread lies because of a stupid argument." I smiled at them both and then went to grab something in the kitchen,

"Whats for tea?" I said, trying to sound as normal as possible. Mum looked like she was thinking for a moment,

"Takeaway?" I nodded, "Sure.. I think I can take one day off my diet for one night." I laughed and Mum smiled at me. She looked at Dad in relief and I smiled.

"I have an essay to do and then I will be down."

"Anything you need help with?" I shook my head,

"Its for History, I think it's going to be okay." I grinned and Dad nodded and smiled,

"I am glad you're okay Tawni." I nodded at him,

"I always am." I ran up the stairs and shut my bedroom door, sliding up against it as tears soared down my face. I can't believe what she has done. I can't believe she would break the trust after all this time. What did I do to her? I brought my knees to my chest and started to cry hard, I hate her so much. I thought she was my best friend, but she betrayed me. I hope she chokes on all those lies she told me, all those times she told me she wouldn't do this to me, all those times she told me she was my best friend and nothing was going to break us up.

She lied.. I hope she chokes on every single lie she told me.


	26. Chapter Twenty Five

**Disclaimer: See last chapter**

**~ Chapter Twenty Six ~**

"**I wish I was as invisible as you make me feel." **

**~ Sonny ~**

"Tawni!" I ran up to her, smiling. She carried on walking though, not even looking at me. I grabbed her arm,

"Whats wrong?" I asked, she just laughed and shook her head at me.

"Go away Sonny. I don't want to be your friend anymore." She started to walk off again but I grabbed her arm tighter this time,

"Why?" I sounded so weak, I felt like I was about to cry.

"Because you told Sonny." I could tell by her voice that she hated me. I let go of her and she started to walk away, I let the tears slip down my face, and watched as she walked away. I shook my head and just stood there - hoping she would come back but she never did..

It felt like I was standing there for hours, when in reality it was really only a few minutes. I just watched as she faded from my view, and then carried on watching, just in case she decided to turn around.

"Sonny." Chad whispered, I looked to my side and saw him standing there. I tried to smile at him, but tears fell down instead.

"She's gone..." I said and he nodded, he already knew what had happened, I could tell by his face. He wrapped an arm around my waist and smiled at me,

"I am still here." I nodded and smiled for real this time, he leaned in to kiss me on the lips and I welcomed his lips. I grinned at him when he pulled away and then he removed his arm from my waist and pulled me into a big hug instead. I put my arms around him and sighed.

"She is just angry, she will get over it." I nodded and pulled him tighter, feeling his warm body against my cold one. I wanted to keep this moment forever, I wanted to stay with him because when I was with him, and when I was in his arms, I felt safe. I felt like I could do anything, be anyone when I was with him. He kissed me gently on the forehead and I looked up at his gorgeous face, he smiled down at me and then kissed me again, this time on the lips.

"I love you so much." He said, I pulled away from him and as I started to walk, I grabbed his hand,

"I love you too." I grinned at him.

For once everything felt right. For once I felt like I had a reason to live. And that reason was Chad Dylan Cooper.

Chad grabbed my other hand as we walked, I laughed and suddenly felt shy.

"You're beautiful, you know that?" He whispered into my ear as we stopped in our tracks. I looked down at the ground again, and felt myself blush a dark shade of red. He put a hand on my cheek and laughed at me,

"You really are." He lifted my chin up and kissed me once more, I smiled at him.

"Thanks." He could tell I didn't really think it was true, but I wanted him to think that I was okay. I wanted him to believe I felt better. When the truth was, I just wanted to disappear. He sighed and squeezed my hand when we carried on walking - I loved these moments, where we didn't even have to say anything to each other but it wasn't an awkward silence, just a thoughtful one. We could both think and we both knew what the other was thinking, there was no need for pointless, small talk. We didn't like it, we never had, silence really was bliss.

- - - - - - - -

It wasn't until later that week that I saw Tawni again, I didn't really want to see that look of hate in her eyes but I knew I had to see it at some point. I wasn't ready to return to the studio yet, so I didn't have to see her there yet. I saw her at the beach, we were all at a party. I didn't know that she was going to be there. I gripped Chad's hand tighter when I saw Emma dancing on the beach. She was with Nico, so she probably wouldn't say anything to me.

It wasn't long before everyone was drunk, and everyone was dancing. I just sat on the edge, on my own. Staring at everyone as they laughed, and joked. I thought about drinking but then how out of control my mouth gets when I do. I didn't want arguments... not tonight.

It was hours into the party that I gained the courage to go up to Tawni. I needed to speak to her, I had to ask her why. I wanted to know that it wasn't the end of our friendship. I needed to know it was all going to be okay, I slowly walked up to her and Tawni stared at me, I could tell she was drunk straight away, she looked at me and then as she went to turn away I grabbed her arm,

"Don't I mean anything to you?"

"No you're dead to me Allison Munroe." She really did hate me, I shook my head,

"We were best friends once.. Don't you remember that?" She shook her head,

"Back when I thought I could trust you?" I looked down,

"I didn't mean to, I thought I was helping you. I thought I was doing you some good, I wanted you to be okay again." She shook her head at me.

"I won't recover, ever, I can't recover." I felt a tear fall down my face as Tawni started to walk away, I quickly followed her,

"I hate you!" Tawni called out, I stopped suddenly,

"Go away!" She turned around and I stared at her eyes, they darkened over and I couldn't even tell they were blue once anymore. I shook my head,

"I thought you were my friend... I just wanted to help you." My voice was lowered, and I shook heavily. I didn't want this to be like this, I couldn't let our friendship end this way. I started to run after her but Grady stopped me,

"Don't Sonny, she doesn't want any of us." I started to cry and I didn't resist when Grady pulled me into a hug, I let myself cry into his shoulder as Tawni walked away.

I want to be invisible.. I want to be pain free.


	27. Chapter Twenty Six

**Disclaimer: See last chapter**

**~ Chapter Twenty Six ~ **

**~ "A million tears won't bring you back, I know because I cried." ~ **

"Tawni has been taken to the hospital." Sonny snapped her head up at Nico, Chad and her had been sitting down at a table in the cafeteria, she looked at the boys bright red eyes and the dark shadows, he looked drained.

"I just went to her house to see why she didn't turn up here this morning, her older brother was there... he said she collapsed in the early hours of this morning, do you want to come with me?" Sonny nodded and looked at Chad who was already standing, Sonny knew something was going to happen, she knew it was going to be bad.

Tawni had never listened to her, she never thought that Sonny could be right but for once she was, and it was the only time she wished she wasn't right. She sighed and then looked out of the car window, they were driving fast, Nico was frantic with worry.

They had run into the car, and he had started it before they had even sat down. She shook her head and refused to let any tears fall down her face, she wouldn't allow herself to cry.

When they finally arrived, Nico ran ahead as they walked slowly behind him, the worry on his face was evident, Sonny could tell right then how much he loved her. She sighed, she had known about this whole thing for so long, Nico might blame himself if something happened but Sonny had known from the start and she had told, but nobody had listened. She had told and Tawni hated her...

She looked up at Chad and he wrapped his strong arms around her, telling her he loved her. Sonny was numb though, they hadn't heard anything from anyone. She bit down on her lip and looked around, Nico had his head in his hands and Zora was whispering something to Grady as they stood there in the waiting room with them.

Sonny looked up when she saw Tawni's parents walk out of a room with a doctor, she stared at them through the glass, trying to look at their faces, trying to read them so she could tell what happened. Mr Hart wrapped his arms around his now crying wife and Sonny looked down for a moment. He started to talk to the doctor, she couldn't see him from there but it looked like her dad was crying as well.

Her heart dropped, the doctor patted him on the back and walked away from them, leaving them in each other's arms as they cried. Sonny noticed them look out at them, he said something then Tawni's mum nodded towards Sonny. She didn't want her to know she was staring at them so she looked away, she knew she would get the blame for it. They finally walked out and Sonny stood there, trying her best to remain strong.

"Tawni.. went into cardiac arrest.. she didn't make it." Mr Hart chocked out, Sonny was standing and she could feel Chad right next to her, tears ran down her face as she collapsed into his arms. She couldn't take it, it was all her fault and now everyone knew.

"I should have told them." She whispered to Chad but he shook his head,

"She didn't want you to, there was nothing you could have done." He shook his head,

"You tried.. it didn't work." He muttered as he kissed the top of her head, he looked up at Mr and Mrs Hart and shook his head,

"I am so sorry for your loss." Sonny didn't want to look up, she didn't want to see the blame on their faces.

"Did you all know?" She heard Mrs Hart say, she sounded nothing like her usual cheery self – but who could blame her?

"Yes... we wanted to tell you but she wouldn't let us. I mean, I did try.. remember? But she must have talked herself out if somehow." Chad spoke up,

"She promised us she would stop, we didn't know what to do." Zora moved towards them, hugging them as she got to them.

"If I could turn back time I would have told you and made sure she didn't convince you that I was lying. I really wish I never believed her." Zora carried on, Sonny silently agreed,

"I wish we never believed her as well." Mr Hart sniffed,

"It's not your fault but what we really want to know is if you made her like this?" Sonny could sense that the question had been aimed at her, she could feel her eyes burning, she knew it.. she knew she would get the blame. She looked up and shook her head,

"What do you mean?" Chad left her arms and then stood up, Sonny stared at him wondering if he blamed her as well. She was suddenly terrified when he left, she had no idea what to do without him. He pointed at Sonny and then went right up to their faces,

"If you are implying that she caused your daughters eating disorder then I would take it back if I was you." Grady walked up to Chad and put his hand on his shoulder,

"Just leave it." Grady shook his head, Sonny wanted Chad to leave it alone as well, it was her fault, she thought, even she knew that.

"We have to know." Mr Hart spoke up, his voice cracked a little as though he was trying his best to hold back the tears.

"We have a right to know." He whispered the last bit, Sonny could tell how much he was hurting. She looked at him and shook her head, she didn't want them to hate her. Chad stepped forward again and shook his head, he was red in the face, he always went red when he was angry.

He pointed towards Sonny and then looked at her gently, she knew how much he loved her but she didn't want him to do this, Tawni was dead and she wasn't, she was the one who survived. She was the one to blame because she was left behind, so she thought.

"She didn't do anything, it was the other way around. The constant looks at her food, the comments about her weight and then telling her all about how she was able to 'get rid' of her own food. Your daughter was to blame for Sonny's eating disorder, but we didn't blame her because we knew she was ill! She was our friend as well, we knew she couldn't help it, we knew she needed to tell someone about it and she chose my girlfriend, our best friend. She may not have forced Sonny to be like this but she sure as hell did not help. So do not go around pointing the finger at her, take a look at your daughter first." Sonny looked at him surprised, as did Zora and Grady, Nico still looked down at the floor.

Sonny knew he was right but she knew she wasn't innocent, she had pushed Tawni, she must have done somehow. That was why Tawni was dead and Sonny wasn't. Chad took a deep breath and looked at the two shaking parents in front of him, they shook their heads – they didn't need to hear that, not after their daughter just died.

"She wouldn't do that." Nico was by Sonny's side now, she looked at him, she hadn't even seen him stand up. She tried to smile at him as he helped her up off the floor, she felt weak because she hadn't eaten for the day since hearing about Tawni, so Nico let her lean against him.

"Oh and she would?" Chad pointed back towards her and then looked at them,

"They were best friends, they knew about each other and this helped them along. It didn't help them though but it didn't change anything, they would have done the same on their own." He looked down at the floor, he understood so much, he knew everything.

"I am so sorry, I didn't mean to blame you." Mrs Hart said, she shook her head and let go of her husbands hand and started walking over to Sonny. She smiled and then put her arms around the girl, she could feel the tears dripping down her face,

"It will be okay, she loved you so much, you need to carry on with recovery." She whispered, Sonny nodded and then pulled away,

"Thank you." It was what Sonny needed to hear but at the same time she didn't believe it. Tawni was dead and it was her who killed her. She thought about how she should have told when she first found out instead of asking her to show her how she did it.

She let the tears fall freely down her face when Chad walked over to her and put his arms around her shaking body. She thanked him as well as he held her when she cried. She wanted Tawni back, she wanted to be able to turn back time and make her stop at the very beginning. She would have told her parents, she would accept the fact that Tawni hated her and it would have gone back to normal.

She could live with Tawni hating her but still living, she wasn't sure if she could live with her hating her and being dead. She couldn't handle it.

**A/N: This is a different view of the prologue, with added speech to make it make more sense. **


	28. Chapter Twenty Seven

**Disclaimer: See last chapter**

**~ Chapter Twenty Seven ~**

"**She finally gave up.. A tear fell down her cheek **

**& she whispered to herself.. **

**I can't do this anymore." **

**~ Sonny ~**

"Are you sure you don't want me to come in with you?" My mum asked as I climbed out of the car, I just shook my head and shut the car door. I watched her as he drove away and then looked up at the large hospital in front of me. It was time for my weekly weigh in and counseling session. I shook my head, and let a tear fall down my pale cheek. I started to walk away from the building and towards the sea.

It had been a whole two weeks since Tawni had passed away, but it didn't seem to get any better. Today was the first time I had been out of my bedroom since it happened. I went to the funeral, I cried with everyone else but then I made myself stop when I got home. I locked myself in my room, and just lay there ignoring the calls from my mum to go out there and eat. I ignored the phone calls from Grady, Zora, Nico and Zane. I just lay in my bed, holding back the tears and thinking about Tawni.

I didn't stop walking for a while, I knew where I was going but there was no rush. I sighed as I thought about Doctor Winters, how she would be waiting for me to arrive. But I never would, I couldn't do it anymore. I had given up on recovery, I don't think its possible for me to even think of eating after what I did to Tawni. Nothing was possible anymore, I couldn't do anything.

I sat down there just staring at the water for ages when I got to the beach, sitting on the sand, until I thought I saw something move out of the corner of my eye. I looked up and stood up quickly, I started to walk over to it, I saw someone in the distance, but they moved too quickly for me to see them. I shook my head, making sure I wasn't seeing anything and when I decided I wasn't I started to move forward, they were going to towards the rocks that Tawni and I had so often used as a meeting place. My heart pace quickened as I saw the person run away from me, I still couldn't see who it was so I ran after them. It all became clear when I saw them standing on the large rock on the beach, I shook my head and closed my eyes. But when I opened them again she was still there.

Her blond hair was blowing in the wind and she was smiling at me, she held out her hand. I started to walk over to her, letting tears fall down my face for the first time in over a week. I watched her carefully, afraid she was going to disappear. She smiled at me and I could tell she was happy now, I looked up at her and wiped away the tears from my face. She was happy now, I wanted to be happy as well. Tawni shook her head as though she read my thoughts. Then she started to fade away, I shook my head,

"No! Tawni! Come back!" I shouted as I ran towards her now faded figure.

"Come back!" I dropped to the floor, letting the tears fall down my face fully now.

"Come back." I whispered,

"Please stay." I curled up on the sand and just cried, I wanted Tawni back.

"Come back please." I whispered before I closed my eyes.

But she was gone, she was gone forever. I wanted her back, but I knew she would never come back to me. The only thing I could do was give up, and let myself die with her.


	29. Chapter Twenty Eight

**Disclaimer: See last chapter**

**~ Chapter Twenty Eight ~**

"**I'm alright... It only hurts when I breathe."**

**~ Sonny ~**

It had been a few weeks since I had seen Tawni at the beach. I had been locked in my room since, I couldn't face seeing her leave me again.

"Sonny! Chad wants to see you." I heard my mum from the other side of my door, I sighed and watched as my door opened, Chad smiled at me, I didn't bother moving. He just looked at me and shook his head, I ignored him though.

"How are you?"

I didn't answer. I just lay there on my bed, staring at the ceiling. He held my hand and then looked up at the ceiling,

"Whats so interesting?" He laughed a little, trying to lighten the mood. I shrugged and then looked at him, he smiled and squeezed my hand, I didn't let any tears fall though. I couldn't let him think I was weak.

"Your mum phoned me.. she said you hadn't eaten in weeks." I shook my head and then I saw the worry in his eyes, his voice started to break,

"Please eat Sonny, for me." I didn't say anything or move for a while. I didn't dare, I couldn't let him beat himself up for this. It was my choice to eat or not, I wasn't going to let him make it for me. I sighed as he lifted me up, walking out of my bedroom,

"You have lost weight again, and you are going to your appointment tomorrow. I don't care what you say." He sounded angry but worried at the same time, I didn't bother putting up a struggle, he was a lot stronger than me, I couldn't put up the fight I wanted to. I just put my head on his chest and gripped tightly onto his shirt, he sat down and held me like a baby on his lap but I didn't care. I was so cold, I wanted to be with someone, I needed someone to hold me. I needed to be loved. I sighed as I looked at the food on the plate in front of us, I saw my mum on the other side of the table. I could feel my heart beating fast and my palms were getting sweaty. I shook my head as Chad cut off a bit of the sandwich for me. I shook my head again and tried to move away from the looming food, I couldn't do this. I couldn't eat. I felt tears fall down my face as he soothed me.

"Its going to be okay. Just put it in your mouth, you need to eat. Please." I nodded after a while and he put the sandwich in my mouth, I chewed down slowly. It carried on like this for half an hour until it was all gone. He kissed me on the cheek and smiled down at me.

"I am so proud of you." He whispered, I just buried my head into his chest and cried. He rubbed my back as I cried, I could feel my mum's eyes on my back and I turned around to face her. She was just staring at me, shaking her head. I shook my own and then got off Chad's lap. I couldn't keep it down, I knew I couldn't.

"Where are you going?" Chad looked worried as I started to walk towards the bathroom, my mum got up off her seat and put her arm out to stop me but I just pushed her out the way with all the strength I could. She looked at Chad for help but I kept going.

Chad grabbed my waist and pulled me back towards him just before I got to the door, I shook my head, and screamed. I wasn't going to let them win, they just wanted me to get fat, they just wanted this pain to never end.

"Get off me." I struggled in his strong arms, I kicked and I punched but he wouldn't let go. I finally gave up as he picked me up once more and carried me over to the settee. I started to shake badly, I couldn't keep it inside me. I liked being empty, why couldn't they let me be?

"I have to get rid of it, no please.. Don't make me keep it down." I struggled in his arms as he wrapped them around me. I finally managed to push him off, not looking behind to see the hurt on their faces. I wish I could make them understand why, but I never understood anymore.

I ran to the bathroom and my mum tried to stop me on the way by blocking the entrance, I shook my head,

"I don't wanna be fat mummy, please I have to get rid of it all." She shook his head but I pushed her away from me anyway, I slammed the door and locked it. I ran to the toilet and stuck my fingers down my throat, tears ran down my face as well but I didn't care. This was for the best, I was going to be thin.. Even if it killed me.


	30. Chapter Twenty Nine

**Disclaimer: See last chapter**

**~ Chapter Twenty Nine ~**

"**Fight it please." **

**~ Chad ~ **

I sighed as I heard her being sick in the bathroom, I don't know how much more of this I can take. I look towards her mum and she shakes his head. I look down at the floor, I don't know what to do to help her. I try but everything I do just seems to make it worse. I thought she would be able to eat and keep it down but obviously I was wrong. I sighed, she needed someone who knew what they were doing to help her because I couldn't do her any good right now. I let a tear fall down my face, wiping it away when the bathroom door opened and a pale Sonny stumbled out. I looked at her eyes, those brown eyes I had fallen in love with before had been replaced by a dull grey, reflecting her mood probably. I look down at the floor and then look up when I hear her cry out in pain. Her mum ran to her side, I look up to see her laying on the floor, I start to panic thinking about Tawni but when I get to her side I see that she is still breathing. Her eyes are closed and she is shaking badly, I grab her in my arms and nod at her mum. She shakes her head and walks away from us, she is finding this too hard as well. Her daughter is dying and she doesn't know how to help her, truth is, neither do I.

I lay Sonny down in her bed and smile down at her, I move her hair out of the way and wipe away a lone tear that has fallen down her face. Sonny opens her eyes and just stares at me, I shake my head at her and then kiss her on the forehead. She grabs my hand and I can feel it shaking. I hold back the tears, I can't let her know how weak I really am.

"Do you hate me Chad?" I look at her in shock and shake my head, almost offended by the sudden question.

"I could never hate you, but I hate this thing that has consumed you, but you.. I love you."

She nods at me and then looks away for a moment, I climb into bed next to her and hold her in my arms.

"I just want you fight it." I whisper in her ear, she shakes her head,

'I ain't strong enough, only Tawni was."

"Tawni is dead Sonny," I shake my head but Sonny just looks ahead at the wall and starts to cry.

"Why ain't I dead?" She whispers, I let the tears fall down my face when she says this, my girlfriend is laying in my arms asking me why she isn't dead. I don't know what to do, I love her so much but I can't see her hurting like this.

"If I hadn't let it go so far, then she would be here right now. She hated me because I told, if I hadn't told then she would have been talking to me and I could have helped her, and then she wouldn't be dead any more. Don't you see? If I hadn't been so self involved, if I hadn't let her go this far, she would be here with me right now, she would be alive." I held her close to me as she cried in my arms.

"I killed her. It's all my fault."

"Tawni's bulimia killed her Sonny, not you."

"I just want to die, I just want to disappear. I want Tawni." She shook in my arms and I held her tight, I never want to let her go. I cried with her as I held her in my arms. I don't know how to help her, I don't know what to do any more.

- - - - - - - -

The next morning I wake up with Sonny still in my arms, I look down at her and sigh. She looks so ill even when she is asleep. I shake my head and then slowly unwrap myself from her, I get up and look outside her bedroom for her mum. She nods at me when she sees me and tries to smile, she looks down at his breakfast and carries on reading the newspaper,

"We need to get her to a hospital." She nods in agreement,

"Not yet though, we just have to wait for a little while. Give her time. She hated it in there, I don't want to do that to her again." I nod, she did hate it in there, but it helped her before Tawni died. That was a major set back for her, and I just had to help her overcome it. I shook my head as I grabbed some toast.

"What are we going to do?" I nodded towards the food so she would understand what I meant, she just shrugged,

"I don't know any more, I guess just try and make her eat again."I nod and then sigh when I see Sonny coming out of her room,

"I ain't hungry." She whispers, I shake my head and start to move towards her, she takes a step back and shakes her head at me,

"I won't fall for it this time."I look down at the floor and in a moment of distraction Sonny runs past me and through the door, before either of us can even get to her to stop her. I look at her mum and she just stands there, pale and wide eyed.

'Don't worry I will bring her home." She nods at me and turns around, probably to hide the tears falling down his face. I take a deep breath, she can't get too far. She is too weak.

I start running, not sure where she would go. **  
**


	31. Chapter Thirty

**Disclaimer: See last chapter**

**~ Chapter Thirty ~**

"**Because each exhaled breathe feels like a silent scream." **

**~ Sonny ~**

I ran as fast as I could away from them, away from their guilt and away from their food. I ran as fast as my legs could go and I couldn't stop. I thought about Tawni and how I was alive and she wasn't. How it didn't seem fair that I was still here when she wasn't. I thought about how I never wanted to recover, how I just wanted to die and I didn't care how I died. I just wanted all the pain to be over, I just wanted to be with Tawni so I can tell her how sorry I am. I just wanted to be normal again.

It wasn't long before I heard Chad calling me. I ran the other way from him, knowing which way he would take. I carried on running, I just made myself carry on no matter how much pain I was feeling.

I started to feel dizzy, but I carried on anyway. I couldn't stop now, I had come too far. I didn't know where I was going anymore, but I had to end up somewhere. I looked ahead of me and tears clouded my view. I tried to shake my head to make them go away but they kept coming back. I pictured Tawni running next to me, I smiled at her and then carried on. Finally, my legs gave up on me and I collapsed on the ground. My chest began to tighten and I found it hard to breathe. I closed my eyes, hoping it was the end.

I felt a pair of arms lift me up but I didn't open my eyes. I heard a car door close and then felt us driving off, but I still didn't open my eyes. I didn't know who it was and I was too scared to find out, this was supposed to be the end but instead someone had saved me. I sighed and let a tear fall down my face, I hated this world. I didn't want to be saved, I didn't want to be alive. But it seemed like every time I thought this, someone would come along and save me.

Just when I wanted to give up, just when I thought I was gone.. Someone else came along.

And the truth is.. I don't think I can live like this anymore.


	32. Chapter Thirty One

**Disclaimer: See last chapter**

**~ Chapter Thirty One ~**

"**I used to believe in happiness..." **

**~ Sonny ~ **

I woke up and looked around me, the room looked familiar. I shook my head and closed my eyes, trying to wake up properly. I sighed, while opening them again. Jumping out of the bed, I looked around and felt a tear fall down my face. I walked over to a bookcase and picked up a photograph I knew too well, I put it back down and looked back around. I went up to a white board on the wall and put my hand gently on the neat writing, I sighed and quickly wiped away any tears falling down my face. I jumped when I heard a knock on the white door, and I looked at the person who opened it.

I remember now, she was the one who lifted me in here. I was only half with it, I couldn't really think about anything, I couldn't struggle against her. I was too weak, I was too tired. I just let her pick me up into her car and take me here. It could have been anyone, I could be laying in some alleyway now. I shook my head at the thought, and watched as the woman came towards me. I took one step backwards and tried to think of an excuse as to why I was laying on the grass.

"I should really go.." She shook her head at me, and then set down the glass of water she had brought up for me on the bedside table.

"I have already called your mum."

"When is she picking me up?"

"She isn't.." She looked down at the floor, I just shook my head and stared at her,

"Why not?"

"You're going to be staying here for a week or so, I told her to give me a chance.. I want to try and help you. Tawni's dad has gone away for a while."

"Because of me?" I sounded hurt, but she shook her head,

"They went away yesterday."

"Why didn't you go?"

"I wanted to stay here, keep an eye on you I guess. You were Tawni's best friend, I want to help you."

"Nobody can help me, I don't want to be helped." I muttered, but she smiled,

"I can try." She held out her arms to me and I gladly let her put her warm arms around my shaking body, I felt tears fall down my face once more and Lisa squeezed me and started to rub my back, as though she knew that I was crying. I didn't want her to have to go through this, she didn't know about Tawni but she knew about me, this had to make it all so much harder. I was going to die soon, I hope so anyway, I didn't want her to watch me die. Not that anyone cares that much about me. I put my arms around her waist and just stood there for a while, I didn't want to let go of her, I didn't want to go back to my own cold, lonely body. I snuggled up and she sighed,

"I am going to take care of you from now on, I will try and make you get better Sonny. I will try really hard." I nodded and just sighed as well, even I knew that if I didn't want to get better then I wouldn't. She must know that as well.

After a while of just standing there, with both of us crying into each others arms, she finally tucked me into bed.. Tawni's bed... her dead daughters bed, my dead best friends bed. I couldn't think of anything else as I lay there, she was dead and I was laying in her bed. She was dead and here I was in her room. She was dead and I was crying about my own problems.

I shook my head and took a deep breath, Tawni would be happy that her Mum was trying to look after me, she would be happy for me. I would be happy if she was alive, but we can't all have what we want. I closed my eyes and tried to think of something else, someone else. I thought about Chad and how happy we used to be, the look on his face when I came out of the bathroom after being sick. The way his whole body tensed, and the way he cried when I told him I wanted to die. All of it was my fault, if he cried it was because of me, if he was angry it was my fault, if he ran away from all of this... It would be to get away from me and the problems I have caused him.

I didn't want to hurt anyone, except myself. I want to feel pain, I want to be punished for what I have done to Tawni. I want to take the blame, I want to be hated and I want to cry because most of the time, it hurts a lot less to just cry than it ever does to smile. I snuggle into the bed covers, and close my eyes tightly. Focusing only on sleep.

- - - - - - -

The next day I wake up to the sound of the door knocking, Tawni's door knocking. I look up and watch as her Mum walks into the room with a tray. I sigh, I knew this was coming. I knew she wouldn't let me go to bed hungry again, I should have ran when I had the chance. She smiled at me and I nodded at her once, she set down the tray on the bed and I looked at it. A cup of orange juice, a mixture of fruit in a small bowl and two pieces of plain toast. I looked at her, and she shrugged,

"I was looking up low fat ideas for you last night, I thought you could start off on these. And we could increase the calorie amount as time goes on." I wrinkled my nose, and thought about it. It was better than mum just forcing food with dripping butter and mounds of fat on. It was better than the strict calorie based diet they give you in the hospital.

It was worse than my own diet.

I sighed and picked up the cup first,I took one sip and then set it down, laying back down when she grinned. I heard her sigh and I just shook my head,

"It's not that I don't want to eat, I just can't eat." I whisper, she nodded and put her hand on my hand. I looked at her and frowned,

"You can only try your best, but I want you to eat at least half this bowl of fruit okay?" I nodded and then sat back up while grabbing a fork and putting it into the bowl, trying to put it in my mouth slowly. I chewed and thought about spitting it back out, but the look on her face stopped me from doing so. She looked... proud and happy, pleased with herself or me.. I am not sure but she was pleased with someone. I finished half of it and then shrugged, I lay back down and then she nodded as she picked it back up and walked out of the bedroom.

"Would you like me to leave the OJ?" I shook my head, too many calories. I watched her as she nodded and then closed the door. I got out of bed and then ran to the bathroom, I looked in the place where the scales used to be. She had taken them from me, she had stolen Tawni's scales, I felt hot tears run down my face as I forced my hand into a tight fist. I looked around for it but found it nowhere. I quickly ran to the mirror and pulled up my top, I looked fatter already.

I wasn't going to be with Tawni if I carried on eating, I shook my head at my own thoughts.

I wouldn't be with Chad if I stopped eating. There was no winning. There was only losing.


	33. Chapter Thirty Two

**Disclaimer: See last chapter**

**~ Chapter Thirty Two ~**

"**Don't make me go back." **

**~ Sonny ~**

My days are spent in bed, I just keep losing weight, every time I am weighed by Tawni's Mum I see the look of sadness and disappointment on her face. I sigh and then look away from her, nothing is going right. I try to eat, I try to please her and everyone else I love but I can't. It's too hard, sometimes I wake up and think about my weight every single second of the day, others I will wake up and think about Tawni. Whatever I think about, it's all the same,it's all about dying and being weightless, I think about nothing else. No one else..

It's gotten to the point where I can't even get out of bed anymore, I can't move, I can't cry anymore. Everything is too much energy, each day I die a little more. Each day a new wrinkle appears on Lisa's face, each day one more sparkle goes out of her eyes. I am doing that to her, I am making it all so much worse. It will all be so much better if I was dead, it would be better for everyone who has ever come into contact with me, for those who ever cared about me.

'It's just a small bit of soup, please Sonny." I heard the desperation in her voice and I nodded my head, slowly. She lifted the spoon to my mouth and I let her put it in. I sighed and then turned away, hiding the tears falling down my face.

"A few more spoons." I shook my head and turned to face her, I was shaking badly and she looked down at the floor.

"Please.." She whispered gently, I started to cry, harder this time and she put the soup on the floor. It had been two weeks since I came here, we were getting close when I didn't want to. I didn't want her to miss me when I was gone, I didn't want her to cry. I pulled away and turned away from her. I didn't want her to get hurt. She sighed and then I heard her get up when the door bell rang. I heard her go downstairs, slow steps. I counted each one in my head, thinking about who it might be.

I sighed when I heard my mothers voice. I made the effort to get out of bed to see her, I didn't want her to look at me like this - just laying in bed, being lazy. I slowly got out of the room I hadn't seen the outside of in about ten days. I stared down the steep stairs and made my way down there.

I looked at the two people who seemed to care about me so much, at the bottom of the stairs, neither noticing I was there.

"She has to be in a hospital."

"She is doing okay."

"No she is not. You told me on the phone that she can hardly move, she has lost too much weight. I am taking MY daughter now!" I watched as Lisa put her hand on her arm and try to stop her from coming upstairs, but she had already seen me just standing there. She shook his head and then looked from me to Lisa,

"How could you let this happen? I thought you wanted to help her!" I saw the anger in her face and I looked towards Lisa for help. She just looked down at the floor and whispered something I couldn't hear.

"She is trying mum.... I am the one who isn't trying." My voice sounded unusual even to myself. I shook my head and then looked at her, I started to walk down the stairs as quickly as I could but she shook her head when she saw me fully.

"You're too thin..." She muttered as she took a step towards me, I stepped away,

"She won't let anyone touch her." I looked at Lisa and she just turned away from me,

"I am trying my best."

"Well maybe your best isn't good enough! Look, your daughter has just died... I know that. You think you can help mine, but she needs professional help." I shook my head the same time as Lisa did. She looked at me and I grabbed her arm, I hid behind her and she took the hint.

"You're not taking her anywhere. Give me another week."

"No, there is no more time. She could be dead then." She came towards me but I moved away from her, I didn't want to go. I don't want to go back to that place, I can't do it.

"Don't make me go, please." Tears started to stream down my face as I said it and she just shook his head,

"I will be back, with an ambulance." I started to shake when she walked out of the house and Lisa wrapped her arms around me. I cried into her shoulder as she rubbed my back and tried to calm me down, but I felt the tears from her own eyes fall onto my back.

"I don't want to go back, please Lisa."

"You need to try to get better then." I nodded, and sighed. Sometimes, the words are easier said than they are to do.


	34. Chapter Thirty Three

**Disclaimer: See last chapter**

**~ Chapter Thirty Three ~ **

"**You're fading away, you're leaving me." **

**~ Connie ~ **

I walked out of that house and just shook my head, tears of anger running down my face. I wiped them away before anyone could see them and carried on walking. My baby girl, my only child was dying and there was nothing I could do about it. I know that putting her into a hospital is not going to help her much but at least they can make her eat. Lisa can't, I can't, Chad can't.. Nobody else can.

I love her so much, when her father left me, I thought it would hurt to look at her. But as it went on, she started to look like her own person, she didn't look like him anymore. I didn't think anything like this could ever happen to my Sonny, she was so strong and brave, she never did let anything like this effect her before. I don't know what happened to that loving, beautiful, strong girl went, I don't know how to get her back.

I sigh as I carry on walking, I need to get her out of there. I know Lisa only wants to help but Sonny just.. she doesn't want help, from anyone, nothing is going to help her. If she doesn't want to eat, then she won't. There is still some of my stubborn darling girl in there, I just got to find the rest.

I finally get to my house and I put my head down when I walk in. It feels so empty, so lifeless since all this came out. Sonny was the one thing I had to live for, if anything happens to her.. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have her in my life. She is my everything, she is the reason I get up in the morning, the reason I go to work and the reason I smile when my head hits the pillow in the night... Well, used to smile.

When my husband left, I felt like my heart had been trampled on. I thought I was incapable of ever loving anyone else, I thought it would be too hard. I turned to alcohol but then I looked at my beautiful daughter one night, she was just sitting there doing homework, staring at me with big, brown eyes and she looked so.. upset. I stopped that for her, I controlled the urges only for her. I had to, she is my baby girl and no matter how old she is she will always be my baby girl.

I went into her bedroom and smiled at the photographs she kept in there. There was one of myself and Sonny when she was about ten years old. She was grinning while sitting on my lap and some tourist had taken it for us, we were on a beach, somewhere Sonny had always loved to be. There was another one of us, but it was of me holding her when she was a baby. The other photographs consisted of her and Chad, and her best friends from 'So Random!'.

I stare at them all, one by one, there was a time when she was happy, there was a time when she didn't care about weight, there was a time she could smile with ease and laugh. There was a time...

I shook my head, I couldn't think about this anymore, I couldn't think about her dying and I couldn't think about how happy she used to be, because she isn't anymore and I didn't see it early enough. I could have helped her, I was so blind to the needs of my only child that I couldn't see her pain, I couldn't understand what she meant by a diet, I didn't think she needed to go on one. But I let her anyway, I thought she is a teenager, they diet all the time. She will be fine, but she is not fine. She is not okay, she is dying and there is nothing I can do to help her. There is nothing I can do, nothing at all.

I just want to be her mum, I want to be here for her but I can't stand to look at her and see her like this. When I saw her today, she has lost at least 15lbs since I last saw her, she was pale, her protruding cheekbones scared me, her eyes were no longer brown, they were lifeless.

She was just this... thing in my daughters body, and I have to get rid of it. And if that means sticking my wonderful Sonny into a hospital, which she hates, then I will do it. Because I love her, and I don't want her to die. I can't let her die, it's not natural. The parent always dies first, Sonny will not be another statistic. I won't allow it.

I love her. She is the only thing I have to life for.

And I will not give up on her yet.


	35. Chapter Thirty Four

**Disclaimer: See last chapter**

**~ Chapter Thirty Four ~**

"**I need to save myself," **

**~ Sonny ~**

"That was your mum on the phone." Lisa walked into the living room, I was laying down on the sofa because I hadn't had the energy to walk back up the stairs, I shook my head and looked at her confused. She looked upset,

"What did she want?"

"She has phoned the hospital, they are sending an ambulance." I looked up at her and shook my head,

"No way." I got up, with a sudden burst of energy and started to walk upstairs, I was shaking badly already and I just closed my eyes and tried to focus through all the pain. Tawni's Mum grabbed my arm, and I could see the tears in her eyes. She was trying so hard to remain strong, but I could see how weak she was. How weak we both are.

"Where are you going?"

"Anywhere, away from the Doctors, away from mum and away from you."

"Sonny..." She grabbed my arm as I tried to walk off and I turned around quickly, tears streaming down my face,

"No! Lisa, don't you see, I want everything to be like it was before, I want Tawni here. I want to be happy, I want to be healthy and I want to be able to eat. But it's all gone. Tawni is dead, I can never be happy and I just... there is this voice in my head... all the time, always telling me not to eat. Always telling me that I have to be thin, I have to have control all the time. I can't handle all this, I want Tawni back but I am never going to. I want my life back, but I can't. I can't be happy anymore, Tawni is gone and it's all my fault, I don't deserve happiness, I don't deserve to recover from this."

She looked down and let go of my arm, I just shook my head and carried on to Tawni's room. I wasn't going to stay here any longer, I wiped away the tears as I walked past the mirror and just shook my head. I grabbed a suitcase that my mum had brought some clothes in a week or so ago, and started shoving stuff in there. I wasn't going to be here when they came, I wasn't going back to that place.

"Sonny, please don't go anywhere." She came into the bedroom and tried to put her arms around me, I shook my head and pushed her away.

"I am not going back there. I can't do it. I don't deserve to be there, it's for people who need help. It's for those who want it. I don't need it or want it. I am not going there." I shivered and grabbed a nearby jacket, I quickly put it on and just grabbed the suitcase,

"I am not going to be here when they come." I went to walk out of the bedroom but Lisa grabbed my arm once again, I just looked at her and shook my head, silently telling her to let me go. She did so but she took a deep breathe. I waited for what she had to say,

"Do you want to die?" I laughed, a cold laugh.

"Yes I do, Tawni didn't have to die, it should have been me."

"Fine! I will let you walk out of here, because I have tried so hard with you Sonny! I can't help you if you want to slowly kill yourself. I can't do it anymore. So walk out of that door and you can be alone." I shook my head and ran off down the stairs, I want to die.. I know I do. I have nothing to live for, I have nobody to be with. I have to die, I was the one who should have died. I should have died that night, I should have spared Tawni, I should have spared her family all the grief. It's all my fault, so I should want to die.

I close my eyes as I get to the door and then drop my suitcase to the floor, I let the tears fall and I slide to the floor. I hear Lisa run down the stairs, but I don't move. I feel her arms around me but I still don't move. I smell her perfume as she cuddles into me but I don't move. I wrap my arms around her warm body, I look up at her and see the tears falling down her face.

"I don't want to die." I cry, she nods and squeezes me tightly.

"I don't want you to die either, and I know Tawni doesn't." I nod at her and let my head rest on her shoulder,

"I will try, I don't want to die, I will try so hard to recover." I whisper, Lisa kisses my forehead and smiles.

"Soup?'I laugh at her and nod, she gets up and then helps me up, I walk to the dining table and just stare at her while she cooks. I remember when I used to love food, when I could eat all the time, and when I wouldn't even think about the calorie amount. It seemed like so long ago, I want to get back to that again. I want to think about other stuff, I don't want to only want to be thin and only want to die. I want to be able to live my life, and I want to be happy. I smile at Lisa as she places the bowl in front of me and she sits on the side of me with a spoon, I nod as she lifts the spoon up and I close my eyes. I can do this, I know I can, I have to recover. If not for myself but for those who love me.

"Ready?" I nod and smile at her as I open my eyes, I swallow the warm soup and nod slowly,

"It's not that hard, is it?" She looks at me, uncertain but I nod,

"No it's not. I can do this." I look at the grin on her face as she gets another spoon and I put it into my mouth, it's not long until we manage the whole bowl. I smile with pride when I see the bottom of the bowl, it's the first time I have actually been proud of myself for eating in so long. I can see the pride in Lisa's eyes as well as she wraps her arms around me.

"Thank you so much." I whisper,

"No, thank you." She closes her eyes and I squeeze her tightly,

"If Tawni knew you would be like this about her Eating Disorder, I am sure she would have told you."

"Thank you, I just wish I had done something about it when Chad said."

"Tawni... became a good liar and as you know she's a good actress. I was hardly surprised when she convinced you I was lying. She was getting good at hiding it all." Lisa nodded and then smiled down at me,

"I know she is happy now, I know she is looking down on you and thinking about how brave you are. She wants you to be safe, it's all she ever wanted."

- - - - – –

We both jump when the door slams open, I look up to see my mum and Chad coming into the house. Lisa looked up at them and pulled away from me as she walked towards them, I shook my head and just looked at the bowl in front of me. Hoping one of them would notice what I had done, and maybe then mum would change her mind and I could stay here. I didn't want to return there, I couldn't do it all over again. I don't want to be tubed again,

"We are going to take Sonny now." I heard my mum say, I shook my head and didn't bother wiping away the tears falling down my face. I looked up at Chad and he just looked straight at me, I sighed and then looked back down at the bowl, hoping he would follow my eyes.

"Please, Connie.. I just got her to eat. Please. She can do this." Lisa was practically pleading with her, I shook my head and bit my lip hard. I felt someone come towards me and looked up to see Chad standing by my side.

"I don't want to go back." I whispered to him, he nodded and then I stood up, I wrapped my arms around him as tight as I could and he did the same to me. I smiled when he hugged me back,

"I don't want to die Chad, I will try so hard. Please say you believe me."

"I believe you Sonny, I love you." I pull away from him and look into his eyes, I feel myself go red and then I look down.

"I love you too." I look over at Lisa and mum and shake my head,

"Make them stop." Chad nodded and then letting go of me he walked over towards my mum and put his hand on her shoulder,

"Maybe we should give them one more chance. One last chance."

"Look at her Chad, she is wasting away." She pointed towards me, I look away from them and start to walk over to them.

"Mum... I don't think I need to go back to that place." She just shook his head and grabbed my arm,

"Yes you do, just look at you Sonny. You're going to die."

"No mum! This is my problem, my responsibility, and I am the only one who can deal with this. I don't need Doctors, I don't need you and I don't need anyone else. It's all on me now, I realize that. I don't need a hospital to get better, I need to believe in myself."

"What are you saying?"

"I am saying, that you or anyone else can't save me. The only person who can save me, is myself."

"I just want you to be okay again, I want my baby girl to be happy." I smiled at her as she hugged me,

"I will be soon. I promise." Chad grinned at me and winked, I laughed and shook my head, rolling my eyes at the same time.

"It will all be okay." I say as he nods,

"Thank you so much Lisa." She shook her head and then looked at me,

"Sonny did this all by herself." I shook my head and smiled at them. Maybe I was going to be okay after all, maybe I could get over this thing once and for all.


	36. Chapter Thirty Five

**Disclaimer: See last chapter**

**~ Chapter Thirty Five ~**

"**I can finally see the sun."**

**~ Sonny ~**

I looked up at the large building in front of me and smiled, I had been recovering for two months now. It was going well, my therapy sessions has gone from once every two days to once a week. I had gained weight, exactly 108lbs now. Only a bit more to go and I would be discharged from the hospital, but I would still have to go to the therapy sessions. I grinned to myself, I never thought this would happen, I thought I was going to die, I was convinced I wasn't going to make it to my 18th birthday. But I am going to, I can finally see the bright side of life. I can finally see that life isn't about being thin, it's about being happy and living it to the full. I realize that now, I wave at Dr Winters as she waits for me at the door, and I walk towards her. She wraps her arms around me and smiles,

"How are you today?"

"Great thank you, and you?"

"I am good." I nod at her and she smiles, I follow her as we walk to my usual room. I smile at the familiar bright room, I look around once more. And think about how I felt when I was first in here, how weird it all felt, how much I wanted to die, how thin I wanted to be. I remember looking into that mirror and seeing someone I wasn't. I didn't see a starving child, I saw a fat woman. Now, I saw the truth.

"Shall we start with the board?" I look up at her and nod, I walk over to the board and think about how I feel. I smile to myself as I write,

_**Happy – like Sonny again**_

And thats all I need to put, I shrug as I turn around and hand the pen back to her. She smiles at me and then nods,

"Thats good." I nod, and walk over to the mirror. I stare at it for a while and think about what I would have usually seen. Wondering if I actually missed my anorexia, I had bad days of course but it wasn't often anymore.

"Have you ever thought about dying?" I look up at her as I ask the question, I look at her face and she shrugs.

"When did you try it?" She looks at me surprised, but she just shrugs it off. I saw the look on her face when I asked, I know that look.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"I have to tell you everything, it should work both ways." I shake my head at her and then turn around,

"When?"

"About six months ago." I nod at her and then start walking around the room,

"Why?'

"Things got hard for me, I was trying hard to fit in with everyone, I was finding it hard to be the Doctor I wanted to be." I nodded at her,

"So you understand when I say about wanting to die?"

"More than most." I shrug,

'I don't know what happened the other night, but I couldn't eat my dinner. It was just a bad day, I went to bed considering killing myself... I was scared of my own feelings to be honest, I knew that I could do it if I wanted to. I knew it all to well, and it scared me."

"Well thats understandable that sometimes you should feel like that and that you should be scared, you know what you are capable of Sonny, you know you can recover and you can control all of this. You will have off days, but you got to keep fighting."

"Did you get caught?" I caught her off guard as she nodded and then turned away from me,

"I tried to hang myself, I was found by two people I work with, two friends. They took me to the hospital and my life was saved. I guess it wasn't my time. Just like it isn't yours."

"Was it Tawni's time then?" She nodded at me and then I sighed,

"I wish it wasn't." I muttered,

"It's hard when you lose a friend like that Sonny, but she is happier now. She would want you to be happy as well."

"I guess.... But sometimes it feels wrong when I feel happy, because she was my best friend and we were so close, and she is not here. It feels wrong to laugh, it feels wrong to smile.. I don't know."

"It will be okay, you need to accept her death Sonny. You need to let go of her, you have to stop blaming yourself."

- - - - - - -

I walk out of there smiling and waving at Chad, he laughs at me and steps out of his car.

"My lady." He says, as he opens the passenger door to me, I shake my head at him and laugh.

"Why thank you, kind sir." He winks at me and then laughs as he jumps over to the drivers seat, I roll my eyes and mutter,

"Show off." He just looks at me and then laughs,

"Studios?" I nod at him,

"The guys wants me to meet them there anyway."

"Okay then."

- - - - -

We soon arrive there and I spot Grady waving at me with Nico and Zora. I grin at them and run over to them, wrapping my arms around the threeof them.

"Wanna grab a fro yo?" Grady seems hesitant to ask, but I just roll my eyes at him and walk off into the cafeteria. I hear him laugh and follow me in,

"Shall I take that as a yes?"He says as he sits next to Zora on the other side of me, I nod at him.

"Yes, but you're buying."

"I always buy."

"And?" Zora smiles at me as Chad and Grady get up to get our drinks,

"How are you now?" She leans over the table and I shake my head,

"I don't know.. good I guess. It's hard, sometimes I wake up and think about how good I felt when I was hungry, I think about running to the scales and crying over the numbers, but other times I think about how good it feels to not worry, and how much happier I feel."

"Are there many bad days?" She shrugs at me, and looks down at the table,

"Not anymore, no. I think as the weeks go on, they get less and less, it just keeps getting easier and maybe soon they will only be once every six months or something." I laugh and then grin at Chad when he places a fro yo in front of me.

I slowly eat it, avoiding the looks I get from Grady, Nico and Zora. Chad knows how I feel so he pretends not to be surprised that I am actually eating something with so many calories. I smile at him and grab his hand under the table, he winks at me and laughs. I look up at the doorway and see the person I was hoping I would see. I look at Chad and then sigh,

"I am going to see someone."

'Who?"

"Just a friend, I just saw them at the doorway. I will just go say hello." I smiled at him and then ran off in the direction of the prop room, I followed my instincts and I soon found her. I walk slowly to the seat she is sitting on and smile at her, she motions for me to sit next to her and I do.

"I miss you." I whisper,

"I miss you too Sonny. But we are both better off this way, it will all be okay." I look up at her, she looks so beautiful.

"Are you happy?" She nods and then grins at me,

"I am finally at peace. You just need to let me go, like Doctor Winters said before, stop blaming yourself." I nod and then look down at my hands,

"I am glad you're happy."

"I love you Sonny."

"I love you too."

"You and Nico need to look after each other, be safe." I nod at her and then turn away for a second, when I look back she is gone. I sigh and then start to walk away, letting one tear fall for my best friend. She was happier this way. I was going to recover for myself and for her, her death will not be in vain this way.

"_**I will always miss you, but I will let you go."**_

_**~ The End ~ **_

**Please review and let me know what you thought about the ending, I thought it was a bit weak but then again I thought it would be a major help in getting Sonny recovered. **


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